Fritz: The Musical
by thebandragoness
Summary: He's a screw-up who's failed at everything he's ever tried. She's a stunningly beautiful ruler of a sprawling kingdom who has more magical power in her left pinky than mere mortals can even fathom. And according to Princess Anna, they're the perfect match for each other. Well, if the queen's own sister thinks that, Fritz's chances with Elsa must be pretty good, right? Right?
1. Job Hunting

" _Hooves, antlers, and too much hair,_

 _On our poor nose bombaaaaaaaarding,_

 _This rancid stench that fouls the air,_

 _From a stinky beast worth he_ _eeeeeeee_ _rding._ "

Picture an endless sea of mangy fur. A symphony of grunting and clomping. A swarming mass of hairy creatures spanning from horizon to horizon. An uncountable number of antlers pointed to the sky. Well, actually, there were exactly twice as many antlers as there were reindeer. That's not uncountable at all, really. The point is, it all looked very majestic.

And lurking around the herd's borders was a team of humans. They were a colorful bunch – It takes a special kind of person to voluntarily live as far north as people can live. The reindeer herders were known for their bright fur clothing, their hand-crafted tools, their pointy boots, and their ability to break into spontaneous musical numbers.

" _We will herd 'em all, far and near._

 _Stay on guard, they can smell fear._

 _Herding these horrid reindeer's,_

 _Not for faint of heart._

 _Look out, it's gonna fart!_ "

The men's words echoed through the fjords as they marched beneath the summer sun:

" _Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Hold your nose!_ "

" _Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Hold your nose!_ "

In turn, the men chanted:

" _Beautiful!_ "

" _Powerful!_ "

" _Dangerous!_ "

" _Stinky!_ "

" _H_ _erding's the job for me, I think-y._ "

" _Stronger than one, stronger than ten,_

 _Stronger than a hundred men! Pee-yew!_ "

They took a brief pause to fan the air before continuing, faster:

" _Hooves, antlers, and too much hair,_

 _On our poor nose bombarding,_

 _This rancid stench that fouls the air,_

 _From a stinky beast worth herding._ "

Now the background music was going at breakneck speed, and they had to sing faster and faster to keep up:

" _We will herd 'em all, far and near._

 _Stay on guard – They can smell fear._

 _To herd these horrid reindeer,_

 _Use your brain and wit._

 _Don't step in reindeer-_ FRITZ!"

The song came to a screeching halt. The eye of every last herder fell on the tail end of the herd – specifically on the little boy trailing behind, gasping for breath. He was about half as tall and twice as thin as was perfectly healthy. A light breeze could dislocate his shoulders. Every step he took risked his life – Sooner or later, the kid was bound to trip over his oversized feet and break his neck. The other herders couldn't wait.

"Would it kill you to keep up with the herd for once?" The biggest, beefiest herder shot the boy a scowl.

Fritz shrank. All he could manage was a stammered, "S-Sorry..."

Once they were done rolling their eyes, the group continued on its way.

It wasn't that Fritz was slower than the reindeer. He was just trying to keep a safe distance, that was all. Remember all that narration before about how majestic reindeer looked? That was all a calculated deception, an elaborate lie to lull poor unsuspecting humans into a false sense of security. Sure, they seemed all cute and cuddly and innocent, but the instant you turned your back, that's when the reindeer struck. You couldn't let your guard down for a second. Reindeer know where you sleep. They know where you keep your knives.

"Hustle up, Fritz!" called out the head of the group. "I mean it!"

Fritz reluctantly scurried closer to the edge of the herd. At his approach, every last reindeer spun their head towards him, a wicked gleam in their eyes. Fritz could practically see the gears turning in their twisted elaphine brains. What were they plotting? What kind of sick reindeer games were they playing?

" _Fritz._ "

Fritz let out a little squeak of terror as the head herder marched towards him – The guy was _exponentially_ larger than Fritz.

Fritz swallowed. "I'm sorry, sir. I-I'll try to keep up."

The man let out a sigh. "Fritz, if you ever want to get out there to herd reindeer, you need to stop all..." He waved his hand over Fritz's plain brown hair, bulging, fishlike eyes, lumpy head, freakishly large nose, and twiglike arms. "... _this_."

"But you just pointed to all of me!"

"And apparently that was too subtle," the man said flatly. "You suck." He jabbed a finger at Fritz's chest. "You suck at everything, and no one likes you."

"Oh," said Fritz.

After that, there wasn't another peep out of Fritz until nightfall. Of course, this far up north, you couldn't really tell nightfall apart from dayfall, so the herders simply considered night to be whenever the reindeer got sick of marching and plopped down for a nap. They'd been a lazy bunch of beasts this year – Usually, the reindeer reached their summer home before the end of spring.

Once the herd slowed to a crawl, the herders set to work pitching the tents, but since that was a job that required upper body strength and basic motor skills, Fritz was forced to watch from the sidelines. He was just about to wander off to find his momma – who was probably busy weaving or making food or doing other antiquated female things – when Fritz was suddenly approached by a group of kids around his age.

" _Psst, Fits_." One of them grabbed his sleeve and tugged him behind a tent.

" _Fritz_ ," Fritz said feebly. Did... Did his peers want to socially interact with him? That couldn't be right.

"Look over there." The biggest, scraggliest kid of the lot pointed behind him. Fritz's eyes followed his finger into the distance. "See that castle?" There was, indeed, a big old castle, barely a speck on the horizon, sitting on an island out in the water. If he squinted, Fritz could just make out the bridge connecting it to the surrounding village on the mainland. "That's Arendelle's capital. As chance would have it, the reindeer's migration goes straight through the heart of the kingdom."

The nomadic herders had worked out a shaky truce with Arendelle, but there wasn't much love lost between them. It wasn't that the people of Arendelle had ever done anything to the herders, exactly, but, uh, let's just say that in the reindeer herders' experience, monarchies run by rich white people didn't have the best track record when it came to _not_ being culture-destroying imperialists. As far as some of the herders were concerned, Arendellians were a bunch of dirtbags who could all go die in a fire.

"Um, yeah," said Fritz, fidgeting with his hair. "What's your point?" (Fritz was half-Arendellian, incidentally).

The scraggly kid grinned. "Word is that castle's been locked up for years, and now they're finally opening the gates to commoners for the day."

"Something about a new queen being coronated," added another. "It's all very technical and political. You wouldn't be interested in sneaking over there, would you?"

"To see some coronation?" frowned Fritz. "It sounds kinda boring."

"Great because you're not invited!" The scraggly kid patted Fritz's back. "Watch the milking reindeer for us and don't tell my dad where we are. Thanks, Fits."

"What? But I-"

But the boys had already scurried off, whooping and high-fiving and muttering, "Do you think they're really as hot as people say?"

Fritz was left alone behind the tent. Well, it was... good that this worked out for all parties involved. Those dumb kids got to see some boring coronation, and Fritz got to guard the bloodthirsty hell-creatures.

Currently, the milking reindeer were being kept in the stables of one of the numerous old abandoned barns littering Arendelle's countryside. These she-deer were a little too domesticated to stay with the regular herd, and if the herders lost track of them, well, everything would be screwed up. Reindeer milk was an invaluable commodity. So, really, when you thought about it, Fritz was the most important person in the group right now. Yeah. He... He hadn't even wanted to go to the coronation anyways. Everything was fine. There was nothing to get upset over. There was... There was definitely nothing to cry about. That'd be stupid and childish.

From the cracks between his dampened fingers, Fritz spared a glance through the barn doors. The reindeer were all situated in their stables. Well, if they were fine, no need to actually go inside there with them, right? That'd be like sticking your face in a hornet's nest, only hornets aren't nearly as deadly. In the interest of self-preservation, Fritz would watch the reindeer from outside.

And watch them he did. Long after the other herders had dozed off, Fritz was wide awake. Sure, no one would know if he nodded off, but Fritz didn't like the idea of leaving so many murderous demons unguarded. Sheesh, how much longer were those kids gonna be? It was dark out, and in Arendelle, being dark out meant it was _late_ late.

Heck, Fritz could see the stars by now. He hardly ever saw the stars. They were awfully pretty. Fritz stared at them, slackjawed, for longer than he'd like to admit. Wasn't there a... a saying about stars? When you wish upon a star, something something dreams come true? For a moment, Fritz's heart went aflutter... but then it slowed. What was he supposed to wish for? Some kind of protection against reindeer? No, no... What did Fritz want? What did he _really_ want?

"I... I wish..." Fritz began, already feeling stupider for opening his mouth, "I wish someone, _anyone_ , liked- Well, not necessarily _liked_ , but, uh, didn't hate me. And I wish I wasn't so lonely, and-" He bowed his head, his eyes clamping shut. "I wish _one_ good thing would happen to me."

A shiver ran down his spine. _Whoa, what the-?_ A minute ago, it'd been muggy out here. And was it Fritz's imagination, or was that star he'd wished on growing bigg-?

 _Thump_. The next instant, Fritz was smacked in the face with a boatload of whiteness.

"Agh! Wha-?" He frantically excavated himself from the mound of powder, swinging his head wildly. Snow. The fjords were filling with snow. In July? They weren't _that_ far north, were they? Fritz shivered again. Well, guess he'd have to pop back to his momma's tent and grab some warmer-

 _Crash_. Before Fritz could so much as flinch, a gust of icy wind smashed the stable door in two. The next thing Fritz knew, a swarm of panicked reindeer was charging straight for him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH I'VE BEEN GOOOOOOOOOOD!" Luckily, Fritz managed to dive out of the way in the nick of time. Unluckily, now the milking-reindeer were bolting off into the heart of the blizzard. The snowflakes were so thick, they disappeared within a few feet.

"No! Wait! Come back!" Fritz hurried after them, but at this rate, he'd need snowshoes to get anywhere. No, no, it couldn't be too late! Maybe if he really hurried, he could still catch one or two of them?

* * *

"Every last reindeer." The head herder was doing his best to strangle Fritz with his eyes. "You let every last milking reindeer escape."

By now, the herders were crowded around a makeshift campfire in the middle of the old barn, wrapped in blankets and whatever winter clothes they'd managed to salvage before the snow buried their tents. The reindeer themselves had only been mildly annoyed at the freak weather – The whole point of migration was to _avoid_ the cold – but the reindeer herders... Well, the way they scowled at him, you'd think the snow was _Fritz's_ fault.

"I- I'm sorry," Fritz muttered, huddling closer to his momma – a gray-haired, beady-eyed, lumpy-headed old woman with the most gaunt, sunken face of anyone present.

"And if that wasn't bad enough, you let _my son_ sneak out to the village?" The head herder clenched his fists. "Now he and his friends are trapped there, and if the reindeer decide to move on before the snow melts, they might lose track of the herd! Why didn't you _tell me_ my son had run off?"

All Fritz could manage was another strangled "I'm sorry..." before burying his head in his hands.

His momma, however, let out a snort that'd impress a reindeer. "It's not _my_ kid's job to babysit _yours_."

" _You stay out of this_ ," spat the head. "We don't ask you two for much. You're only here because Herko couldn't keep himself from fooling around with those airhead Arendelle girls. The least you could do is pull your weight. But you don't – neither of you." His eyes traveled from Fritz to his momma. "You know what? I want you gone. Both of you, out of this barn, _now_."

Fritz's momma made an indignant huff. "Yeah, sure. Like you'd _really_ throw an old lady and her kid out in the middle of a snowstorm."

* * *

The old lady and her kid trudged through middle of the snowstorm, desperately clinging to themselves to keep their blankets from blowing away in the wind.

"H-H-Hey, it's- it's okay, Momma," Fritz managed to say through his chattering teeth. "We didn't want to live with those jerks anyways, right?" He leaned in for a warmth-preserving hug-

" _Shut up_." -and was pushed into the snow. "For once in your life, would you just _shut up?_ " His momma trudged past him, her every step arduous.

"M-Momma-?" Fritz blinked, dazed, as the snowflakes piled on his hair.

"You're just never done screwing up my life, are you?" Somehow, his momma's eyes were far colder than the snow could ever hope to be. "Your father was right all along. You remember what he said before he left?" She pointed a bony finger at Fritz's quivering face. "Herko said he was sick of living with a worthless little loser." With that, she turned around and resumed her march.

After a long battle against the wind, Fritz managed to pull himself to his feet. "He said he was sick of living with a _pair_ of losers..."

" _What was that?_ "

"Nothing, Momma..."

After that, there was silence, save for the howling of the wind and the crunch of snowflakes. Fritz's eyes stung, and not from the freezing wind.

* * *

Beams of sunshine poured over treetops that weren't covered in snow and flowers that weren't frozen and dead. The people of Arendelle had really learned to appreciate that more. One such person, a brunette girl wrapped in a plain tan cloak, was currently making her way through the front door of a little wooden shack.

"Hoo hoo!" She was greeted by a big, puffy, sideburn-wearing man. He was seated behind a counter, his fingers folded together at the tips and a pleasant smile on his face. "If it isn't my favorite customer. Vhat can I do for you, Helga?"

"Just wanted to use the sauna." Helga smiled back at him. "The rest of Arendelle might be unfrozen, but I've still got some thawing to do." She laughed.

"Ooh, you haven't met the new hired help." Oaken leaned over his shoulder and called out, " _Fritz?_ "

"Y-Yes, Mr. Oaken?" Into the room came the mousiest boy Helga had ever seen.

"Meet Helga." Oaken gestured to her. "She's a friend. Lovely lady."

"Oh, right. Uh, hi, H-Helga." Fritz offered a trembling hand, which Helga shook. Somehow, she was reminded of a bowl of cold pasta. "Fritz Herman Gudmund. That- That's me. That's my name."

Helga gave Oaken a look. "I didn't know you hired little kids here."

" _I'm seventeen_ ," Fritz said under his breath.

Helga giggled."Well, I'm pleased to meet you, Fritz."

"Now be a dear and start the sauna, vould you?" added Oaken.

"Yes, Mr. Oaken, right away, Mr. Oaken!" And with that, Fritz scurried off to the back room.

As soon as he was out of sight, Helga frowned. Maybe it was her imagination, but that kid seemed like kind of a creep.

* * *

Helga was his soul mate! Fritz could tell! He had a sixth sense about these things. They were destined to be together and get married and have twelve beautiful children! Did you see that longing gaze she gave him? That spark of electricity that passed between them the first time they laid eyes on each other? Helga was the most beautiful woman in the world. No, the most beautiful woman in the universe! She...She'd said she was pleased to meet him! That had to mean something, right? How many other people in Fritz's life had been pleased to even be in his general vicinity?

Fritz's hands were trembling so much, he could hardly get the stones into the fire. His bucket almost sloshed out all over the floor, but he managed to get enough of it on the rocks to form a nice, thick cloud of steam. There. His first time prepping the sauna, and he'd done a great job. Oaken would be so happy with-

"Hi," came Helga's voice from the entrance. "Is it ready yet?"

"Yeah, it's all set to-" Fritz turned around... and promptly sloshed his bucket out all over the floor.

Once, when the reindeer herd had crossed a particularly massive and intricate fjord jutting out over the crystal clear ocean, Fritz had found himself forced to gaze. So powerful was the majesty of it that he'd been physically unable to turn his head. And now, Fritz was discovering that fjords were not the only scenery with that effect on him.

"D-Don't you want wear a towel?" Fritz was shocked to find his voice still worked.

"No thanks. I just like to sit on them." Helga flashed him the most perfectly innocent smile imaginable, then spread her towel over a bench and plopped her bare butt down.

"Oh, okay." Fritz cleared his throat. "I'd, uh, I'd better get back to work, then." He stayed frozen in place. Minutes passed.

With a herculean effort, Fritz wrenched his eyes away. He had to stay respectful. Being in a sauna was like being in a church. Only without the Sunday clothes. You shouldn't stare at people, anyways. It's rude. _Don't stare. Don't stare. Don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't stare don't-_

HE WAS STARING! IT WAS LIKE LOOKING INTO THE SUN! LIKE LOOKING INTO _TWO_ SUNS!

"Um..." Helga shifted in her seat. "Are you okay?"

What was she talking about? Fritz was fine. He was just getting a couple spots in his vision, that was all... Wait, why did Helga have four boobs? Was that norm-?

 _Thump._ The whole world became blackness.

* * *

After what felt like an eternity, the world came back into focus, and Fritz found a bright-faced man giving him a concerned look.

"Mr. Oaken? W-Wha-?" Fritz sat up, rubbed his eyes, waited for the room to stop spinning, and then looked around. He seemed to be on a mattress in the trading post's back room.

"You passed out in the sauna," said Oaken from the chair next to him. "That's incredibly unsafe, yah? You're lucky Helga vas there to get you out."

"Oh." Fritz's heart sank. He'd just screwed up big time, hadn't he?

"I'm so sorry, Fritz." Oaken patted his shoulder. "I'm not comfortable employing you anymore. Sauna vasn't even that hot. You have a real problem. You should see a doctor."

"But-" Fritz's lip was quivering. "But I-"

"Also, Helga says you stared at her breasts in a creepy vay, so you're fired for that, too."

"But Mr. Oaken!" Fritz found himself grabbing the man's puffy, marshmallow-like arm. "I need this job! Please, just give me another chance-"

"So sorry, lad. Here." Oaken gently placed a jar into Fritz's hands. "For good feelings."

"But Mr. Oaken-"

"Can you valk? Let me help you outside."

"But-"

The next thing Fritz knew, he was being heaved over Oaken's shoulder like he weighed nothing. Before another word could leave his mouth, Fritz was sitting on the trading post's front porch.

"You really should see a doctor. I'm very busy now. Bye bye!" And with that, Oaken vanished behind the door.

Fritz stayed on the porch, staring at the jar of pickled... fish... things in his hands. He couldn't believe it. He'd been fired. For the fourteenth time in a row.

* * *

Fritz entered the butcher shop with a growing sense of dread. After they'd reached the village and the snow had melted, Fritz's momma had scraped together enough cash to buy the old place so she could put her skills with a butcher's knife to use. Other than some dust, the shop had started out pristine. A week later, it had been covered from floor to ceiling in filth. Fritz's momma had that effect on places.

Fritz reluctantly shut the door behind him and slinked to the center of the room.

" _Let. Me. Guess._ " Each word was punctuated by a chop of the knife. "You were fired _again?_ " His momma looked up from the counter to glare into Fritz's very soul.

Fritz carefully examined the fibers of his boots. "Yes, Momma."

His momma set down her knife, marched across the floor, and came to a halt in front of him. "Look at me, Fritz."

Fritz was already wincing before he'd even made eye contact. _Smack_. His face was left stinging. How did she manage to hit the exact same spot every time?

"You come through this door with a job, or you don't come through at all. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Momma..."

Fritz was left standing on the front steps of a building for the second time that day.

He shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and then set off over the cobblestone. Arendelle's capital was filled to the brim with hustling and bustling people, but none who noticed or cared about a little boy limping through the streets. None willing to hand out jobs to some idiot who'd flunked out of every form of higher education he'd ever pursued and couldn't even do menial labor without tripping over himself.

Fritz pressed a palm to his purple cheek. None who'd... who'd even stop to look his way if he started singing, in a trembling voice:

" _Boy, what a big sur-prise._

 _Looks like I screwed up once again._

 _I guess at this point, it's quite plain to see,_

 _The whole darn world hates me._

 _I've got no friends._

 _Not loved by my own mother._

 _I'm one big mistake._

 _What am I gonna do?_ "

"Do you want to guard the Snow Queen?"

"What?" Fritz spun around to find a handful of men gathered in the middle of the street.

"Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself." The tallest, most broad-shouldered man stepped forward. He was decked out in an emerald uniform covered in badges, and the black, cylindrical hat on his noggin only served to make him seem even taller. "I'm the Admiral of Arendelle's royal guard." He extended a gloves hand to shake. "I'm scouting for new blood."

Fritz had to glance over his shoulder to make sure there was no one behind him. "You- You want _me_ to be a guard?"

The Admiral nodded. "If you're in need of a job. What do you do for a living, son?"

Fritz blinked. Was this real? "I... I herd reindeer. Or, well, I _used_ to..."

"Ah, that explains it!" One of the Admiral's friends felt up Fritz's arm. "That'll really build up the muscle mass." His fingers squeezed right against the bone.

"Not to mention all the guarding skills you learn herding reindeer." If Fritz didn't know any better, he'd think the Admiral's other friend almost snickered as he spoke.

"Reindeer _can_ be pretty crafty..." Fritz said thoughtfully.

"It's decided!" said the Admiral, slapping Fritz's back. "Only someone of your competence level is fit to bodyguard the queen. After all, we wouldn't want any..." He gave a dramatic pause. "... _harm_ to befall her."

His friends chuckled to themselves.

"Harm?" frowned Fritz. "What kind of harm would befall her, exactly?"

"Oh, y'know..." the Admiral said idly, examining his fingernails, "there are _some people_ out there who might want to burn the queen at the stake after everything she did."

Fritz was nonplussed. "Why, what'd she do?"

For a second, Fritz worried the men might cough up their lungs from laughing so incredulously.

"Have you been living under a rock?" one of them howled.

Fritz shrank. "I, uh, I don't do the whole 'social interaction' thing..."

"What, did you think last July's little snowstorm was just freak weather?" smirked the Admiral.

"I... didn't think it _wasn't_ freak weather," Fritz muttered. "But what does that have to do with the queen?"

The men burst into another round of laughter.

"What does it have to do with the queen?" As the Admiral spoke, an ominous tune started playing in the background. "Kid, it has _everything_ to do with the queen."

"Wait." Fritz held out his hands. "Are you about to si-?"

" _She's cold!_ "

" _She's bold!_ "

" _She's young!_ "

" _She's old!_ "

" _She's here!_ "

" _She's there!_ "

" _She's everywhere!_ "

" _She's good!_ "

" _She's bad!_ "

" _She's glad!_ "

" _She's sad!_ "

" _She's quick and slick and barking mad!_ "

In unison, the men sang:

" _Snow Queen! Snow Queen! She's a very mean Snow Queen!_ "

Out of nowhere, Fritz was sent tumbling into an imaginary dream world. The Admiral and his men transformed into giant, distorted heads, circling him and chanting while nightmarish visions of a frosty female figure danced before Fritz's eyes.

" _The evil Snow Queen Elsa_ _'s,_

 _M_ _entally_ _un_ _well-sa!_

 _The evil Snow Queen Elsa's very cold!_ "

" _C_ _old!_ "

" _Cold!_ "

" _C_ _old!_ "

" _She's got dangerous magic._

 _It's really quite tragic._

 _Locked in her hold when she was eight years old!_ "

" _O_ _ld!_ "

" _O_ _ld!_ "

" _O_ _ld!_ "

" _She's extra-ordinary, so better be wary._

 _Her ice can come in any shape and size._ "

" _Size_ _!_ "

" _Size_ _!_ "

" _Size_ _!_ "

" _And if you dare displease her, you're sent to the freezer._

 _The only answer might be regicide._ "

Fritz looked blank. "What's that?"

"Nothing, nothing," the Admiral said hurriedly.

" _She's mad!_ "

" _S_ _he's chill!_ "

" _S_ _he's_ _sick!_ "

" _S_ _he's_ _well!_ "

" _She's thin!_ "

" _She's fat!_ "

" _She froze Arendelle!_ "

" _She stole the throne in a horrible plot!_ "

" _Although she's also... kinda hot._ "

"Wait, what-?" said Fritz.

" _Snow Queen! Snow Queen!_ _S_ _he_ _'_ _s a very mean_ _S_ _now_ _Q_ _ueen!_ "

The lyrics came to an end, followed by an instrumental sequence that honestly went on a bit too long. Then, thanks to the power of musical montage time elapses, Fritz found himself standing in the hallway of Arendelle castle, wearing the emerald uniform of the royal guard.

The Admiral gave Fritz another slap on the back as he led him to a door at the end of the hall. "The queen and her sister are just behind this door. You ready to meet them?"

Fritz's teeth were chattering, but... he couldn't say no. At this point, the odds of finding a better job were astronomical. Besides, what would Fritz's momma say if she knew he'd backed out of a perfectly good job opportunity just because he was scared of some girl... who could freeze him to death on the slightest whim. And was probably horribly deformed, covered in warts, with a pointy hat, a broomstick, and a sadistic streak a mile wide...

Fritz braced himself as the Admiral reached for the doorknob. Somehow, he could already tell this "Snow Queen" would be the absolute worst person Fritz would ever meet in his life.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_ **Oh, look, I'm writing Frozen fanfic** **tion** **again. Guess that was pretty inevitable. This one ties in with my** _ **Frozen Wight**_ **fan** **fic, but reading that isn't important to understanding this one. Heck, it's even less important than it was for** _ **Anatomy of a Snowwoman**_ **. This story is pretty much a** **complete** **standalone.**


	2. Dead Letter

_**Author's Note:**_ **Again, I'd like to stress that this fanfic can be understood** **perfectly fine without reading the other ones, but if you've already read _Frozen Wight_ and you're big on continuity, let it be known that this chapter takes place sometime before chapter 39 of that fic (so between parts 2 and 3).**

* * *

Sunlight peeked through the curtains, illuminating the figure of a scrawny boy in long underwear, his chest rising and falling steadily. At his bedside was a scowling portrait of a gray-haired, lumpy headed woman, and wrapped in the boy's arms was a stuffed bear with a sky blue dress and a platinum blonde French braid.

The moment the sunlight creeped to the tip of his nose, the boy's eyes shot open. Fritz sprang out of the covers, and the next instant, he was zooming around the bedroom, brushing his teeth and combing his hair and buttoning up his emerald jacket all at once. He moved with impressive speed, but what was really impressive was that Fritz did it all while singing:

" _Seven AM, and already I just know I,_

 _Will f_ _ind myself right_ _back at the same old scene._

 _Walk to her door with such dread because although I,_

 _Try my best,_

 _I'm a mess,_

 _Soon as I see the_ _queen_.

 _It has been three long weeks, and to my great surprise,_

 _I'm just as awestricken as when I first laid eyes,_

 _'Cause have you seen_ _those_ _hips? They make me want to cry,_

 _And wonder what has my life become?_ "

Finally, Fritz arrived and knocked on a certain door painted with snowflakes. The knob turned itself. Fritz's pulse quickened. And then in a blink, there she was, standing in the doorway like Aphrodite descending from Olympus. Silvery hair. Pillowy lips. Eyes that bored straight through him.

Luckily, this part of the song was a voiceover, so she couldn't actually hear Fritz sing. That would've been kinda awkward.

" _D_ _oor opens_ _up_ _, and then out_ _side_ _comes Her Sovereign,_

 _And_ _had I could, I_ _would have said_ _good morning,_

 _Evenly and coherently._ _Just one problem._

 _My tongue's lead._

 _I'm bright red._

 _Suddenly, no warning,_

 _I feel a weird spasm deep down inside my chest._

 _I'm absolutely sure it's cardiac arrest._

 _And then I smile and nod and try hard_ _not to stare,_

 _'Cause when I'm near her, I don't feel numb,_

 _But_ _can't help_ _wonderin' and wonderin', and wonderin', and wonderin',_

 _What has my life become?_ "

Elsa gave a pleasantly oblivious nod of her head, then made her way down the hall. Fritz really should've hurried after her, but he lingered behind just as the song reached the slow, sappy part.

" _And from this pain,_ _just_ _one way to heal._

 _All I must do is t_ _ell her how I feel._

 _I can't hold back, have_ _to let her know,_

 _My heart, it flutters, soon as she sings Let It Go._ "

Right before Elsa rounded the corner, Fritz called out, "Your Majesty, wait!" She paused and glanced back.

Fritz flushed. Honestly, the words had burst out his mouth before he'd even known what he was doing. After a couple seconds of sputtering, he got out, "Do you, uh, want me to come? With you? To breakfast? Do you want me to come to breakfast with you?"

"That's alright, Fritz." As always, the sound of his name coming out her mouth sent a shiver down Fritz's spine. "Honestly, after everything that's..." Elsa glanced away. "... _happened_ lately, I really don't need a twenty-four hour bodyguard anymore. You can take some time off." With that, she resumed rounding the corner.

Fritz watched, paralyzed, as Elsa carried on down the hall. How had he ever thought some Plain Jane like Helga was pretty? Fritz hadn't known what real beauty was until he'd laid eyes on the queen. It was like Plato's Allegory of the Cave, only more curvaceous.

* * *

Elsa sat at the head of a dining hall flooded with newly-hired staff members. Sunlight streamed in through the wide-open windows. The fork didn't freeze, even when Elsa touched it with her bare hand. And there were absolutely no sword-swinging sociopaths or rampaging monster-snowmen to be found. Life was good.

"Your Majesty?"

Elsa looked up from her pickled herring to find a servant whose head mostly consisted of a nose, chin, and bald spot. "Oh, good morning, Kai. Is something wrong?"

"Well, ma'am, I was going through my papers, and I found a handwritten note from you-" Kai fished through his emerald coat. "-and I thought there must be some mistake." He retrieved a slip of paper, double-checking it. "It says you want me to NOT fire Fritz Herman Gudmund."

"That's right," said Elsa.

Kai chuckled to himself. "Well, with all due respect, Your Majesty, I think you might have him mixed up with Fritz Harold Gunhild – the tower guard I recently let go due to disciplinary issues."

Elsa shook her head. "No, I meant the little boy who's been bodyguarding me these past few weeks."

Kai let out an incredulous huff. "The tiny one?"

"Yes, the tiny one."

"And you're aware he was hired by the old admiral? The one who tried to set you on fire?"

"That's not Fritz's fault," said Elsa, folding her arms.

"Yes, but it doesn't exactly make Mr. Gudmund overqualified for the job," Kai said flatly. "In fact, it was my understanding that he was hired specifically so you'd have an incompetent bodyguard."

At this, Elsa failed to meet his eyes. "I know, I know, but Fritz is trying his hardest, he doesn't have any friends, the other guards pick on him, and..." She sighed, an action that left her herring covered in frost. "...when he's not guarding me, he spends all his time shut in his room."

Kai gave a wry smile. "Why, Your Majesty, if I didn't know you any better, I'd think you're indulging in nepotism."

Elsa smiled back. "I crossed that bridge when I made Kristoff the Official Ice Master."

"Yes, well, if Mr. Gudmund's sticking around for the foreseeable future, might I suggest we train him to do something more productive? We could always use more servants now that the gates are open."

"Fair enough." Really, Elsa didn't need a bodyguard anymore, anyways. The Admiral and his rebels were all in jail, and there weren't any monsters out for Elsa's blood at the moment.

"Well, thank you for alleviating my concerns, ma'am." Before turning around, Kai smirked and added, "I just hope you're not keeping this boy around for more... _amorous_ reasons."

Elsa laughed harder than she'd expected. "I wouldn't hold your breath."

"If you say so, Your Majesty..." And with that, Kai was gone.

As she resumed carving her herring, Elsa shook her head. What was with people always projecting silly fairytale romance onto completely platonic relationships?

* * *

Fritz hugged his Elsa-themed bear and let out a content sigh. He'd only seen Queen Elsa for a minute or two today, and it'd already been enough to make his stomach do backflips. Fritz lied back on his mattress, shutting his eyes. When Elsa didn't need to be bodyguarded, Fritz honestly didn't know what to do with himself, so he usually ended up back in his room fantasizing about his and Elsa's extravagant wedding. He could already picture her sparkling, elegant ice-wedding dress... Fritz's momma would be in the pews, gushing to every last passerby about how proud she was of her boy... And, of course, the maid of honor would be Princess-

"Hi, Fritz!"

" _Wah!_ " Fritz tumbled off the mattress, frantically hiding his Elsa-bear (Bearsa?) under the bedsheets. With growing dread, he turned to look up at the big, bright face before him.

It cannot be stressed enough that Fritz's love for Elsa was the absolute most heavily-guarded secret of his entire life. Not a soul could know about it – could even _suspect_ – until such a moment as he and Elsa actually hooked up, or else Fritz would be doomed to shame and humiliation for the rest of his miserable existence. And of all the people who under absolutely no circumstances ought to know Fritz's secret, one person came to the very top of the list.

"Have you confessed your love to Elsa yet?" Anna vibrated in place, her red pigtails bobbing with delight.

"H-How did you get in here?" Fritz squeaked.

"Your window wasn't locked," said Anna. "Have you confessed yet?"

Fritz glanced out his window... specifically at the tree several feet below it. "I... might not have gotten around to it."

" _Fritz, come ON!_ " Fritz let out an involuntary yelp as Anna grabbed his arm. "What are you waiting for? You two are going to be adorable together!"

Of course, the contact between a girl's fingers and his skin caused Fritz to redden, but it wasn't on _quite_ the same level as with Elsa. Yes, Anna was gorgeous, too, but as luck would have it, Fritz wasn't attracted to girls with boyfriends who could snap him in half like a toothpick. The guy had tamed a _reindeer_. Who knew what else he was capable of?

"Yeah, I know, I just..." Fritz bowed his head. "I just haven't found the right words yet."

"Words, huh?" For a moment, Anna looked pensive... and then her face lit up. "Ooh! Ooh! I've got it! I've got the perfect way for you to confess!"

This had been the song and dance for the past few days – Anna would invent some creative way for Fritz to spill his heart to Elsa, Fritz would try it, and then it would backfire spectacularly and humiliate him.

"You're- You're _sure_ it's gonna work this time?" said Fritz, bringing his fingernails to his mouth.

Anna rolled her eyes. "Of _course_ I am. Have I ever failed you before?"

"Well, for starters-"

"So here's the plan!" Out of nowhere, Anna started shaking his shoulders. "It's a real masterpiece – It's gonna be a way for you to confess to Elsa without her actually knowing it's you! That way you'll be more confident when you see how thrilled she is, and it'll build up your mystique so Elsa's eager to date you!"

Fritz looked lost. "What, like... you want me to wear a disguise?"

"What? No, of course not – That'd be stupid!" scoffed Anna. "Besides, we already tried that last time."

"Oh yeah..."

"This new plan's way better!" Anna leaned in conspiratorially, then said, "Step one – I use my wits and cunning to determine what present would impress Elsa the most."

* * *

"Hey, Elsa!" A pair of pigtails stuck to a princess poked their way into the queen's study. "If, totally hypothetical here, someone was getting you a gift, what would you like?"

Elsa tore herself away from the distressingly large stack of legal documents on her desk to give Anna a look. "Why, what's the occasion?"

Anna laughed. "What? There's no occasion, silly. It's just a hypothetical scenario."

Elsa's lips curled upwards. "Oh, of course, how stupid of me. Well, _hypothetically_ , you can't go wrong with chocolate."

Anna's curled downwards. "But you get chocolate all the time. This is supposed to be a _special_... hypothetical present that you're not actually receiving."

"I see." Elsa gave this some thought. "Well, I hear they've been selling extra-rich couverture at the town market, but I haven't had time to check it out."

"That's perfect!" Anna gave her sister a peck on the cheek before fleeing the room. "You're going to love the fictional present you're not getting _so much!_ "

Alone again, Elsa smiled to herself, shook her head, and returned to her document-stack.

* * *

"But, um, Princess Anna..." Fritz stared at the carpet, shuffling his feet. "Won't that make it a little obvious you're helping Elsa's secret admirer?"

"Don't worry, I'm a master of reverse psychology," said Anna. "Elsa won't suspect a thing. Now, while I'm executing step one, you'll be starting step two – pouring your heart and soul into the most poignant love letter ever crafted."

* * *

"Fritz!" This time, the pigtails attached to a princess poked their way into a certain staff bedroom. "I know the perfect present for her! Now how's that love letter coming along?"

"I, uh..." Fritz sat up in the little chair by his desk, then gingerly handed Anna a scrap of parchment. "I've got something here."

"Hmm..." Anna skimmed the paper, then frowned. "I think you need to come across as a bit more... confident."

Currently, the love letter consisted of nothing more than the words "Do you like me?" followed by check boxes labeled "No," "Nope," and "HA HA HA HA no."

"Well, I don't want to sound presumptuous," mumbled Fritz.

Anna brought a palm to her forehead. "Look, just... start over from scratch." As she spoke, she crumbled the paper into a ball. "The whole point of the love letter is to let Elsa know how you feel without worrying about tripping over your words and screwing up. Just tell her why you like her and why you think she should go out with you."

"I guess..."

With that, Anna turned for the doorway. "Look, I'll go buy Elsa's present for you. Stay here and don't put that pen down until you've got a letter that tells her how you _really_ feel." The door closed behind her.

Fritz sighed, took out a fresh sheet of parchment, and brought his pen to it. Anna was right. Fritz just had to tell Elsa why he felt the way he did. It was less like a romantic declaration of love and more like... an explanation. Why _did_ he like Elsa so much? Was it just because she was pretty?

After an eternity, Fritz found himself staring at the following words:

 _Dear Queen Elsa,_

 _Meeting you changed my life. Before I met you, I thought I was worthless. I thought nobody would ever remember my name or call me their friend. You changed all that. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on, not just because of how you look, but how you hold yourself. Even after everything you've been through, even with all the power you have, you're kind and caring and humble. You've shown me that even when bad things happen in my life, I can still be happy in the end. You've shown me I don't have to be a loser. That's why I love you._

The words stared back at him. Fritz's pursuit of higher education might have ended in failure, but he at least knew how to string together some coherent sentences. Though Fritz was nobody's poet, he thought it wasn't half bad.

...Oh, who was he kidding? It was the hokiest claptrap he'd ever seen in his life! If the queen saw _that_ , she'd just laugh at him for being a girl. Fritz needed to write something suave. Something charming and witty. Something like, "For someone who's supposed to freeze things, you sure know how to make me melt." Yeah, that sounded way better. He'd just crumple up the old note and rewr-

"I'm back!" Just then, a hyperactive princess tumbled in through the bedroom window, triumphantly holding up a basket. "And I got the couverture! Did you finish the love letter?"

"Um-" Before Fritz could hide it, Anna spotted the parchment and snatched it up. Several tense seconds passed. Fritz didn't let himself exhale until Anna had finally put the letter down.

A big, goofy grin crossed her face. "D'aww, _Fritz_ , that's so sweet. Even _I_ want to kiss you." She paused, then added, "But we, uh, probably shouldn't do that... again."

Fritz winced. He hated when she brought up the Incident like that.

* * *

If Elsa had to sign one more document today, her hands were going to pop right off her body. Arendelle was currently trapped in the middle of a blazing drought – as if Arendelle's crop supply hadn't been hit hard enough by the eternal winter – and Elsa was basically being forced to do some impromptu damage control to keep the country from starving to death.

Elsa closed the door behind her and slinked towards her bed. All she wanted to do now was collapse on top of the covers and shut her eyes, but there was something blocking the way – Namely, a big box wrapped in red paper and a pink bow. Attached was a note labeled "From your secret admirer." Elsa resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she unwrapped the present. Inside was a gigantic bag of couverture chocolate, and, right beneath it, a handwritten note. Elsa hardly spared it a glance before grabbing the present and marching towards a certain princess's room.

"Anna."

"Oh, hi, Elsa!" At her approach, Anna sat up on her mattress and shut the cover of _Abysmal in Auradon_. "I've just been reading here on my bed. Haven't moved from this spot in hours."

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?" Elsa held up the couverture.

"Hey, that's the exact same present you suggested to me earlier!" Anna's face was the picture of innocence. "Wow, what a coincidence, am I right?"

Elsa folded her arms.

"So, uh, have you read that letter yet?" Anna pointed to the leaf of paper poking out Elsa's hand. "It's probably super roman-"

"When are you going to stop?" cut in Elsa. She counted off on her fingers. "First it was the stable boy, then the cheesemonger, then that navy captain, then _the queen of Eldora._ "

"There were sparks there!"

"I told you, I have too many responsibilities as queen, and- and I just don't _want_ to date anyone right now!" Elsa threw her hands up, sending out a wave of cold air. "Or ever! I don't know!"

Anna let out a huff. "Well, how will you know if you never try?"

"Look, I'm not having this debate with you again," Elsa said, bringing a palm to her temple. "Tell whoever-it-is-this-time thank you for the chocolate, but I'm not interested."

Anna made a pouty face. "Can you at least read the love letter? It's heartfelt."

"As heartfelt as the navy captain's letter to me?" Elsa scowled at her. "The ones _you_ wrote without telling him?"

Anna's face got a tinge pinker. "Uh, I can neither confirm nor deny-" She was interrupted by the sound of crinkling paper, followed by the sound of ice forming. Anna's eyes went wide. " _Elsa!_ "

Elsa ignored her and spun around for the exit... where she found a certain guard standing in the doorway. "Oh, Fritz, hello. Could you throw this away for me?" She placed the sphere of ice-covered paper in his hand, then walked past him down the hall.

* * *

Anna stayed on her bed while Fritz remained rigid in the doorway. The two of them stood staring at each other for several long, awkward seconds.

"Hey, uh, no big deal, right?" Anna finally said. "Maybe we can thaw it out over the fireplace and then-"

"So, you- you've been at this for a while?" Fritz's voice was shaking. "I'm no different from the stable boy or the navy captain or-?"

"No, no, of course you are!" Anna sprang to her feet and hurried to his side. "I was wrong about all those guys, but I'm right about you! You're the perfect match for Elsa, I promise."

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Fritz turned away, hiding his face, and then trudged away down the hall.

Anna was left alone in her room. Okay, okay, no big deal. Yes, she'd screwed up big time, but... this was fixable. She just needed a new plan.

* * *

"Elsa?" A pair of pigtails stuck to a princess poked their way into the queen's bedroom. "I'm sorry for trying to hook you up again."

Elsa had been lying atop her bedcovers, resting her eyes, but she spared half an eyelid at Anna's arrival. "Apology accepted."

"Okay, um, now for something totally unrelated to romance..." Anna plopped her butt down on Elsa's mattress and put her hands together. "Can we throw a ball?"

"A ball?" Elsa sat up, blinking in surprise. "Why?"

Anna grinned. "What do you mean, why? The gates are open – We oughtta be throwing balls all the time now."

Elsa groaned and rolled over. "Didn't we just have a gigantic coronation party a couple months back?"

"Well, yeah, but..." Anna took a breath. "Okay, look, I didn't want to play this card, but, err... the coronation wasn't exactly the best party ever."

Elsa looked a bit like she'd been stabbed. "I know. I'm..." Her eyes clamped shut. "I'm sorry. I never should have-"

"No, no, not because of you!" Anna said hurriedly. "I mean, so what if it was a little snowy towards the end? No big deal. I'm talking about Hans. Like, ninety percent of my coronation memories involve hanging out with him." She shuddered.

"Oh. I see." Elsa seemed to ease up at this. "So you want a do-over?"

"Yeah!" Anna nodded vigorously. "Balls are, like, the most romantic thing ever, and I wanna, y'know, go to one with my new boyfriend who won't try to murder me."

"Alright, alright, you've convinced me." Elsa chuckled as she brought a hand to Anna's shoulder. "I guess we're throwing another ball."

Anna fist-pumped. " _YES you won't regre_ _t_ _this Elsa it's gonna be the best-_ "

"A _small_ one," Elsa added sternly.

"Right, right, of course. Nice and small. Just a couple friends." Small was fine. Anna could do small. Well, in the sense that China was small compared to outer space. And, of course, if the ball just _happened_ to be the most romantic possible time for Fritz to confess his feelings, well...

"Hey, sorry if I was a little crabby at you earlier." Elsa gave Anna a smile as she reached for something on her nightstand. "I know I threw away the love letter, but, err..." She held up the couverture. "...you don't think it's too tacky to eat this anyways, do you?"

"What, are you kidding?" laughed Anna. "This stuff's expensive. You'd be crazy to let it go to waste."

A huge, shameless grin crossed Elsa's face. "I was hoping you'd say that." She set the bag on her lap, conjured up a pair of ice-spoons in her hands, and offered one to Anna. "Here."

Anna blinked. "Wait, isn't couverture used for, like, baking and stuff? You're not supposed to just eat it by itself."

"Oh," said Elsa. "I guess you're not."

They stared at each other for a minute.

" _OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!_ "


	3. Stolen Heart

**Author's Note: This chapter happens concurrently with _Frozen Wight_ chapter 40, and every chapter after this one will be happening prior to 41.**

* * *

Not sure if you picked up on the subtlety before, but that person at the very top of the list of people Fritz would rather not know about his crush? That was Princess Anna. See, it was cruelly ironic because she did, in fact, already know the secret. Fritz was bringing this up because, just as he was gazing down at the castle gardens and contemplating his own worthlessness, the number two spot on the list waddled onto the balcony.

"Hi, guard-whose-name-I-don't-remember!" Olaf gave a pleasant wave of his twig-arm. "Does Elsa know you're in love with her yet?" A toothy smile crossed his deformed face. "Ooh, ooh, want me to tell her for you?"

" _No!_ " Fritz yelped, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat. "I mean, no thanks."

"If you say so." Olaf shrugged, which basically amounted to his twigs bobbing up and down.

For the most part, Fritz's preconception of the Snow Queen had been totally wrong. Elsa wasn't some twisted freak of nature at all – In fact, she was the most gorgeous creature in this world or the next. But there was one little hiccup... Elsa could bring snowmen to life. That alone was pretty freaky, but what really freaked Fritz out was that nobody else seemed particularly freaked out about it. Were... Were talking snowmen normal? Maybe they were normal. Fritz had never asked. He didn't want to sound prejudiced or anything.

Just then, a high-pitched squeal hit Fritz's ears, and onto the balcony dashed a person who freaked Fritz out way more than any sentient inanimate object ever could.

"Fritz!" Anna tackled him with a hug. It was all Fritz could do to keep from screaming. "I've got great news!"

"Yes! I love great news!" Olaf joined in, too. "Why are we hugging?"

"I convinced Elsa to throw a ball," said Anna. "It's the perfect time for you to confess your feelings to her!"

"But I don't have any- Oh, you were talking to Fritz."

"Wait? A b-b-ball?" Fritz turned whiter than Olaf. "You mean, like, a social gathering? Where I have to stand in the same room as lots of other people?"

Anna rolled her eyes. "It's not that bad, Fritz. Look, take it from me, being alone all the time is _really_ overrated. You could use a social gathering or two."

Fritz's head drooped. "But Princess Anna, you saw her crumple up my letter... Elsa's never gonna say yes to me."

"Hmm..." Anna frowned, scratching her chin. "Y'know, we've got a few days before the ball starts. I could help train you so you're prepared."

Fritz blinked. "What kind of training?"

"Oh, y'know, coaching you on what to say, teaching you how to dance... That kinda stuff."

"And..." Fritz audibly gulped. "...how long will this training take, exactly?"

"I dunno," shrugged Anna. "A few hours, maybe."

"Oh! Oh!" Olaf raised a stick-arm into the air. "Or you could make it go faster with a musical number!"

Anna's face lit up. "Yeah! Great idea, Olaf!"

"No, no, that's okay!" said Fritz, waving his arms frantically. "You really don't have to-"

" _Let's get down to business,_

 _To impress_ _the queen,_

 _You'd best man up because,_

 _She won't date preteens!_ "

Suddenly, Anna was giving Fritz a scathing inspection while singing in the deepest voice she could, which was still somewhere north of tenor (DISCLAIMER: I have no idea how deep Kristen Bell can actually make her voice. She can pull off the manliest of baritones for all I know).

" _Though you're weaker than most other guys,_

 _And your shoe size,_

 _It is quite small,_

 _Mister, you'll ask her out,_

 _At the ball!_ "

There was a quick montage of Anna forcing Fritz to waltz with Olaf and balance books on his head and memorize witty one-liners, all whilst Anna continued to sing:

" _I've got dating advice,_

 _Never tried before._

 _Use it and I promise,_

 _You are sure to score._

 _Though you're_ _feeble, frail, and just might be,_

 _A minor if I recall,_

 _Somehow you'll ask her out,_

 _At the ball!_ "

After hours of time-elapsed training, Fritz stopped to pant:

" _This training is a living death,_

 _But worth it if it brings her to me._ "

" _Bet Elsa can't wait to date this strapping guy!_ "

Anna beamed, but nearby, Kristoff looked less thrilled.

" _Yeah, I might not hold your breath._ "

" _Must you always be so gloomy?_ "

" _All I'm saying is this plan probably won't fly._ "

Then came the refrain, which was sung by a voiceover of some incredibly macho men:

" _Ask her out!_ "

" _You'll have to muster up all your courage!_ "

" _Ask her out!_ "

" _Confess your feelings, then pretty soon-_ "

" _Ask her out!_ "

"- _When she is joining you on the dance floor,_

 _You will sweep her off her feet and make her swooooooooooon!_ "

Fritz was given only a second's reprieve before being thrown back into the training as Anna sung:

" _Time is racing toward us,_

 _'til the ball arrives._

 _Heed my every order,_

 _And your love will thrive._

 _When you think a bit,_

 _Most likely it,_

 _Probably won't work out at all._

 _Still you_ _must_ _ask her out,_

 _At the ball!_ "

"But what does climbing a flagpole with weights on my arms have to do with-?"

"The flag symbolizes Elsa's heart, NOW CLIMB!"

" _Ask her out!_ "

" _You'll have to muster up all your courage!_ "

" _Ask her out!_ "

" _Confess your feelings, then pretty soon-_ "

" _Ask her out!_ "

"- _When she is joining you on the dance floor,_

" _You will sweep her off her feet and make her swooooooooooon!_ "

The chorus repeated an additional time, and then, finally, the song was over.

"Agh!" Fritz landed at the base of the flagpole with a resounding _thud_.

"Almost there, Fritz!" Anna bounded towards him across the courtyard (They'd changed locations during the montage). "Just a few more tries, and-"

"Alright, alright!" It was at this point that Kristoff stepped between Anna and her victim. "Let's call it a day before he breaks his neck." He turned to Fritz, who was busy rubbing his tailbone. "Look, kid, if you want help asking Elsa out, there are better people to go to than Anna." He gave her an apologetic look. "No offense, but you've kinda spent a good chunk of your life in big, empty castle."

"Yeah, yeah..." Anna faltered. "Most of my dating experience _is_ with a murderous sociopath..."

Fritz found himself shrinking under Kristoff's gaze. Of course, the less people who knew about Fritz's shameful crush, the better, but Anna's boyfriend knowing didn't bug Fritz quite as much as Anna or Olaf knowing. He'd rather Kristoff learn the truth if it meant he wouldn't get the wrong idea about why Anna was spending so much time with Fritz lately. They'd even come clean with him about the Incident, and he'd only tried to murder Fritz a little bit, which he was pretty understanding of Kristoff, all things considered. Still, the guy reeked of reindeer, so Fritz was always on edge around him.

"The point is, we're visiting my family today," said Kristoff.

"You mean those 'love experts' you keep mentioning?" said Fritz. "And you want me to come with you?"

"Yeah, but, uh..." Kristoff's eyes drifted skyward. "I should probably mention, my family can be a little... weird. But trust me, when it comes to romance, they're never wrong."

* * *

"She's _waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay_ out of your league," said a troll-child.

When Kristoff had said his family was weird, Fritz had been expecting a bunch of snarky, puffy-faced blondes. Instead, Fritz was standing here processing the fact a whole race of mythological creatures was apparently real. It didn't freak him out _that_ badly, though – Once you've accepted that talking snowmen exist, everything else gets easier.

Fritz backed towards the center of the valley, huddling closer to Anna and her boyfriend – though he kept a safe distance from said boyfriend's antlered murder-beast. They were surrounded, the eyes of every last troll man, woman, and child fixed on them.

"Out of his league?" repeated Anna, scowling. "What's that supposed to mean? You're fine with me dating Kristoff, and _he's_ not royalty or anything."

A bright-faced troll woman stepped in front of the child – Kristoff had introduced her as his adopted mom, Bulda. "Err, I think what Pebbles _means_ to say is that Fritz here might not be a good fit for Elsa, not because he's too poor, but because he's too..."

"Too _what?_ " demanded Anna.

"It's okay, Anna..." Fritz turned away, hiding his face. "I know what they mean."

"No, no, don't cry, honey!" Bulda hurried to his side to give Fritz's leg a pat (It was the highest she could reach). "Look, you're a cute kid, and I'm sure plenty of girls would like you. It's just that Queen Elsa, well..." She trailed off, fishing for words. "Elsa's been through a lot, and I'm not sure you're the right person to help her handle everything she has to... handle."

Fritz wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "W-What do you mean?"

"Well, for one thing, you've got, like, zero self-confidence," another troll said flatly.

"But you don't understand!" Fritz yelped, hating himself every time his voice cracked. "I love her. I... I mean that. I've never felt this way about _anyone_ before." He shut his eyes. Fritz had already worked everything out in his head. He was going to confess his feelings, and he would do it so sincerely that Elsa would marry him on the spot, and then all of Arendelle would love him and Fritz would prove to the reindeer herders and his momma and his father and- and everyone else, once and for all, that he wasn't a loser. It was his only hope. The only thing that kept him going through the day. And now, the love experts, the absolute authorities on love, were saying it was hopeless?

When she caught sight of Fritz's face, something about Bulda's expression seemed to soften. "Y'know, what, dear?" she said. "You sound pretty sincere to me. Maybe you deserve a second opinion. I think we need to bring you to..." She turned to her fellow trolls. "... _the Heart of Arendelle_."

A gasp passed through the crowd. Even Kristoff and his freaky reindeer friend hung their mouths open.

"Are you sure?" asked a troll at Bulda's side – Kristoff's adopted dad, Cliff. "I mean, we can't show the Heart to just anyone. We should at least ask Grand Pabbie first." He glanced towards a burrow in the distance, where the old troll was busy talking with Elsa.

"Oh, you worry too much." Bulda flashed Fritz a smile. "Any friend of Kristoff is a friend of the trolls. We can trust him."

After that, Fritz was led away from the center of the valley, leaving Anna, Kristoff, and the-reindeer-who-shall-not-be-named far behind.

"The Heart of Arendelle's an incredibly powerful magical artifact," Bulda said as she and Fritz wound their way around trees and over streams. "Our tribe's been guarding it for hundreds of years. Almost everything we know about love comes from studying the thing."

"But why do you want to show it to me?" asked Fritz, sounding much less weirded-out than he felt.

"Sometimes, people's feelings can be complicated, and the Heart can help sort them out. From what I've seen of you, I think you really might have true love for Elsa."

Fritz's own heart skipped a beat. "That's- That's a good thing, right?"

"Oh, yeah, it's the absolute best way to feel about someone," said Bulda. "If two people share true love, they can forge the strongest bonds, live the most fulfilling life together... The problem comes when only _one_ person feels true love for the other."

"Oh." Fritz's face fell. "So you think Elsa won't love me back?"

Bulda sighed and rubbed her rocky temple. "The poor girl's been locked away most of her life. At this point, for her to feel true love for anyone besides her family and her snowmen... it'd take something really special."

"She _does_ like me, though," said Fritz. "As a friend, I mean."

Bulda paused their march to glance back at him. "Are you happy being her friend?"

For a second, Fritz envied the trolls. He wished _he_ could curl up into a boulder right now. "No. I... I want more than that." He shut his eyes, his cheeks scorching hot on his face. "I can't get Elsa out of my head. I love her so much, it's kinda taken over my life."

Bulda nodded solemnly. "It's important for _both_ of you to be happy. There _are_ forms of true love besides romantic and familial, but... Well, let's see what the Heart has to say."

After a while, they came to a stop at a jagged cliffside jutting out from a clearing in the trees. It looked normal enough, but something about the place made Fritz anxious. When he closed his eyes, he could swear he almost heard, like, a... a rhythmic thumping sound. _Thump, thump, thump._

"Here we are." Bulda bounced up to the cliff and pressed her stony palm against its face. She closed her eyes, then chanted, trancelike:

" _Oh, great Heart of Arendelle,_

 _I need you so I can tell,_

 _What it is my heart desires._

 _Give me a clue_."

The words echoed through the clearing. Nothing happened, but somehow, Fritz found the hairs on his neck standing on end. Then, out of the blue, the cliffside split apart like a sheet of paper being torn in half, scraping the dirt with a deafening rumble. When the rocks finally stopped, the cliffside had transformed itself into the mouth of a cave.

Fritz stared at the entrance. It was pitch black in there, and the thumping was getting louder. _THUMP, THUMP, THUMP._ Y'know what? He didn't want to see the Heart that badly. Fritz started to turn around-

"C'mon, what are you waiting for?"

-and was promptly dragged inside by Bulda.

As it turned out, Fritz's fears were unfounded. There were no horrible monsters or anything in here. It was a totally ordinary cave, only its rock was bright red and... oddly squishy. Actually, y'know what, Fritz's fears were totally founded. Apparently, the Heart of Arendelle resided in some kinda... meat-cave. Fritz could barely contain his shock. Never in his life had he thought he'd encounter a place even more disgusting than his momma's butcher shop.

The human and troll walked deeper into the cave, their feet making a sickening _squelch_ with every step. Somehow, the cave was causing drops of moisture to accumulate on Fritz's skin. He, uh, tried not to speculate about that. The deeper in they went, the dimmer the light grew. Just as they were about to be enveloped in pitch blackness, Bulda knelt down and lit a lantern the trolls had apparently left there. Now it was just Fritz and Bulda standing in a little bubble of light in the middle of a meat-cave. Not terrifying at all.

"S-So is this thing, like, an actual, living heart?" Fritz asked this less out of curiosity and more for the sake of drowning out the growing _THUMP, THUMP, THUMP_ sound.

"You guessed it," Bulda said as they continued deeper. "Long ago, when this land was first called 'Arendelle,' its prince fell in love with the youngest princess of the Southern Isles. The princess ran away with him to Arendelle, but her twenty-four older sisters-"

" _Twenty-four?_ "

"It was a different time. As I was saying, her twenty-four older sisters came after them. Long story short, the prince of Arendelle sacrificed his life to protect his beloved princess. The act of true love was so powerful that, through some unknown, ancient magic, his wounded heart was imbued with incredible power." Bulda paused, then added, "But the humans didn't realize that, so we trolls had to do some gravedigging. We've been guarding the Heart ever since, making sure its powers are only ever used for good."

They reached their destination just as Bulda finished her story. The Heart of Arendelle was, indeed, a human heart growing out the cave's meat-walls, as if the fjords themselves were one massive organism. There was even a jagged scar running down the Heart's surface, presumably from where it'd been stabbed all those years ago. The sight might have made Fritz want to hurl if it hadn't been so... surreal and dreamlike. He felt lightheaded just looking at the thing.

"This whole cave was forged with troll magic to sustain the Heart," said Bulda, giving it an affectionate pat. "So long as we keep it healthy, it pumps out waves of pure love-magic that Grand Pabbie can study. It's where we get our love expertise from."

Fritz scratched his head. "But... But how can some magic waves tell you how to, like, talk to girls and stuff?"

"We trolls know how to translate their meaning." Bulda held her palm against the beating heart, frowning. "I can do it myself a bit, but it'd be easier if Grand Pabbie was here."

"Speak of the devil, Bulda."

"Wah!" Bulda and Fritz spun around to find none other than the decrepit old troll himself standing before them.

"G-Grand Pabbie?" said Bulda, pebbles of sweat trickling down her stony forehead. "I thought you were talking with Queen Elsa?"

"We finished," Grand Pabbie said tightly. "I was planning on resting before I sensed people in the Heart chamber." His eyes fell on Fritz. "Why did you bring this boy here?"

"He has feelings for Elsa, and he needs to sort them out." As she spoke, Bulda placed herself between the young boy and old troll. "I thought the Heart could help."

Grand Pabbie's eyes narrowed. "Did he hear the password to the entrance?"

"He won't tell anybody," said Bulda. "Look, Fritz is a friend of Kristoff's. We can trust him." She gave a pleading look. "Come on, Pabbie. You know Kristoff needs all the human friends he can get."

Grand Pabbie looked like he'd like to argue the point, but instead he merely sighed. "Very well. I suppose since the boy's already here, we might as well read his heart." He turned to Fritz. "Are you certain you want to hear this? The Heart will tell you how you _really_ feel about a person, whether those feelings are good or bad."

"I..." Fritz took a breath, steadying himself. "I'm going crazy here. I need my feelings sorted out."

"Very well." Grand Pabbie stepped toward the Heart. "I will tell you what the Heart has to say... so long as you promise to keep the Heart's location and password a secret. If the Heart of Arendelle were to fall into the wrong hands, its powers could be perverted." He shut his eyes. "Instead of _explaining_ people's feelings, it could be used to _change_ them. Such a power could cause a great calamity over the land."

"Well, I don't want to destroy Arendelle or anything," said Fritz. "I just want to let Elsa know how I feel, and... and if this Heart thingy can explain what that feeling _is_ , exactly, that'd help a lot, wouldn't it?"

"Indeed it would." Gently, Grand Pabbie put his palm to the Heart, listening intently to every beat. After a moment, he removed it. "I have heard the Heart's voice." With a wave of his arms, Grand Pabbie conjured up a lightshow in the middle of the cave, like a miniature aurora borealis. A mass of blue light appeared in the cavern's center, taking the unmistakable, twiglike shape of one Fritz Herman Gudmund.

"Your love for Queen Elsa is very real and very powerful." The lights changed in time with Grand Pabbie's words, forming a mass of blue Elsa-shaped light next to the Fritz-shaped light. "But it is _flawed_." Suddenly, the light burned blood red. "When you look at the queen, you see all her perfections and none of her imperfections." The light-Elsa split in two, forming a blue Elsa with a flowing dress and a French braid alongside a red Elsa with gloved hands and her hair up. "If Elsa was ever to desire a romantic partner, they would be just that – a _partner_. An equal who could shoulder some of her burden. Right now, all she is to you is an idol. An escape from your own miserable life."

Fritz's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe what Grand Pabbie had just said... Elsa did NOT have imperfections! That was crazy talk!

" _True_ love is putting someone else's needs before your own." The faster Grand Pabbie spoke, the faster the Heart beat. "If you continue to let your heart be guided by such selfishness, your own doubt will consume you, and you will commit a great evil against the one you love most."

The instant Grand Pabbie finished, the lights faded and the heartbeat slowed, leaving Fritz and Bulda to stare at him by lantern light.

Bulda gave Fritz a reassuring smile. "That's really not as bad as it sounds. You _do_ love Elsa. You just need to change the way you look at her, that's all-"

"No, no, I get it." Fritz turned for the entrance, his lip quivering. "The Heart's saying that... _I'm not good enough for Elsa!_ " He fled the cave.

"Wait, Fritz, come back-"

The noise that accompanied Fritz as he ran wasn't his, though. There was just a, uh, little girl somewhere nearby, sobbing hysterically. Totally unrelated.

* * *

Man, the troll's valley must've been thick with allergens because... because Fritz's eyes were really watering. And... And he must've pulled a muscle, which was the only reason he was curled up in the fetal position on the forest floor right now.

Fritz sniffled as he pressed his face against a rock, watching ants crawl over his fingers. Stupid trolls... Stupid Heart... What'd they know anyways? Fritz's love for Elsa was real and pure, and one day she'd realize that, and then she'd marry him and Fritz would never be sad again. So there.

"Aww, poor guy," said a voice.

" _I wasn't crying!_ " Fritz sat up, frantically turning his head to find the voice's owner, but there was nothing here but trees and rocks.

"You look like you could use a pal," said a rock.

" _What the-?_ " Fritz started to stumble backwards, but then the big rock uncurled itself and he calmed down. It was just another troll.

This one seemed different from the others. He wasn't adorned with any flowers or gemstones, but what he did have was an unusually thick coat of moss. A little patch of it had even sprouted at the tip of his chin, forming a moss-goatee, and his body-moss was so thick, it trailed off his back like some sort of moss-trenchcoat.

"Pleased to meet ya." The troll flashed a sleazy grin and extended a hand. "The name's Mossy." Well, huh, that was pretty apt. Even the guy's palm was covered in the stuff.

Fritz politely declined the shake. "Um... hi? I'm Fritz."

"Oh, I already know all about you, Fritzy," Mossy smirked. "I couldn't help but overhear your little dilemma. So, you wanna hook up with the queen, huh?"

"Yeah." Fritz bowed his head. "But I'm not good enough. That heart thingy said so."

At this, a spark seemed to cross Mossy's eyes. "Heart thingy, eh? And what'd it say, exactly?"

"Uh, well..." Fritz thought back. "I guess it said I only love Elsa for selfish reasons. That I need to put her needs before my own. But... But I never thought I was being selfish. I just..." He brought a hand to his eyes. "I just wanted someone special to like me."

Mossy let out an indignant gasp. "Why, the nerve o' that Heart! It really expects you to put some dame's needs before _yours?_ She's a super rich, super powerful queen lady! She's doin' fine! _You're_ the one who's hurtin' inside. _You're_ the one who's been treated like dirt his whole life."

"Yeah. H-" Fritz wiped his eyes. "How did you know?"

An arm extended towards him. Fritz looked up to find Mossy giving a more pleasant smile. "Cuz I been treated like dirt, too. C'mon, kid, I wanna show you somethin'."

Fritz smiled back and accepted the hand, pulling himself to his feet. "Okay. What is it?"

That spark crossed Mossy's eyes again. "A way to even the odds."

* * *

Mossy's home consisted of little more than a big, underground cavern containing a cauldron, some scattered books, and a half-eaten fish. Considering the height of the ceiling, the place had been dug more with trolls in mind than humans. Of course, Fritz had spent most of his life herding reindeer in the open air, so he couldn't have _known_ he was claustrophobic... Fritz just hoped he could get back out of this hole as easily as he'd come in. He didn't exactly know his way back to the castle, so if Elsa, Anna, and Kristoff decided to leave without him, Fritz would most likely be trapped in the wilderness for the rest of his life.

"S-So you're really gonna help me?" he said as he struggled to avoid bumping his head.

"Yeah, of course," said Mossy. "Anything for my pal. I've got a little somethin' that'll guarantee you win the queen's heart, and I'm givin' it to you absolutely free _withonesmallcav_ _e_ _at_."

"Wait, what-?"

"Oh, it's no big deal or nothin'," Mossy said as he examined his own fingernails. "It's just, uh... you wouldn't mind sharing that little password to the Heart of Arendelle's hidey-hole, woulda, _buddy?_ "

Fritz paled. "Why?"

"No reason," Mossy chuckled. "Just, well, it's a funny story, actually. See, Grand Pabbie won't let me in there. The dude's _way_ overprotective of the stupid thing, if you ask me. Only reason you were let in is cuz Bulda went behind his back, I bet."

"But- But Grand Pabbie said if the Heart fell into the wrong hands..."

This only made Mossy laugh harder. "Oh, please, do you really think I'm the kinda guy who'd, say, use the Heart's powers to drain all the love in the kingdom and then watch Arendelle rip itself apart from pure hatred just for my own amusement?"

"I... guess not?"

Mossy leaned in closer, his smile broadening. "Kid, c'moooooooon, have I ever steered you wrong before?"

Fritz pondered this. "Well, we've never met before today, so... technically, no, you haven't."

"Then there you go!" Mossy threw out his arms. "Now, the Heart password, if you please."

Fritz started to open his mouth, but still, he hesitated. "I... I don't know about this, Mossy. Bulda and Grand Pabbie really trusted me..."

"So what? Who cares what that old fart thinks, anyways?" Mossy twirled around his cauldron, and the next thing Fritz knew, the background music was picking up as the troll sang:

" _I admit I'm on bad terms with old Grand Pabbie._

 _In fact, all the trolls, they called me, well, a jerk_

 _Stupid, ugly, mean, and fat,_

 _But I'd have none of that._

 _I stormed out, packed my things, and found new work,_

 _Right here._ "

As he sang, Mossy started swaying to and fro around the cauldron. If Fritz didn't know any better, he'd think it was coming off as vaguely seductive...

" _And I'm fortunately good at brewing potions_

 _It's a talent that I always have possessed._

 _I've decided, just this once,_

 _To give my assistance,_

 _To infatuated, lovesick, and obsessed..._ "

In an undertone, he added," _pathetic_ ," then made his voice all deep for the refrain:

" _Poor, unfortunate Fritz._

 _Clearly in need,_

 _Of some divine intervention,_

 _If you want to get the girl._

 _And with me helping?_ "

He snapped his fingers.

" _Guaranteed._

 _You poor, unfortunate Fritz._

 _So weak, so thin_

 _It's a good thing that you've called in_

 _Help from my great expertise,_

 _Cuz I'm ready,_

 _To begin_."

Mossy settled himself before the cauldron, which flared to life, painting Fritz with a sickening green glow.

" _Now don't get all self-righteous,_

 _Call my methods impious._

 _I do not want to see you throwing any fits._

 _You might touch the moral gray,_

 _But you will not be led astray,_

 _You poor, unfortunate Fritz!_ "

Okay, now Mossy was _definitely_ invading Fritz's personal space. He leaned in close enough for Fritz to smell his breath – which was not unlike freshly-cut grass, actually – then said, "Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will cause Elsa to fall madly in love with you. All you've gotta do is fork over the password to the Heart of Arendelle's cave, and then I sneak in and steal some of its magic love-wave thingamabobs – that's the potion's main ingredient. One sip, and the queen'll be head over heels for you. I've even got another potion that hides me from Grand Pabbie's senses or whatever. No one'll ever know 'bout any o' this 'cept you and me!"

"A love potion?" said Fritz, trembling. "I don't know. Wouldn't that be kinda like... brainwashing her?"

"Fritz, _please_ , brainwashing's such a _strong_ word," Mossy said silkily. "All the potion'll do is make this chick attracted to you. Think about it. How is that any different from if you happened to be handsome or charming or rich or the slightest bit competent in any way, shape, or form? You've been playin' with a disadvantage, and this love potion is just... evenin' the odds."

"Evening the odds?" Fritz repeated slowly.

"Yeah." Mossy flashed another grin. "Come on, man, after all the horrible stuff you've put up with all your life, don't you think you deserve to come out on top... just this once?"

"But..." After a moment's hesitation, Fritz turned away. "...maybe I should wait. I mean, I haven't told Elsa how I feel yet. Maybe I won't even _need_ a love potion."

"What? Are you kidding?" Mossy let loose an incredulous laugh, then resumed singing even faster:

" _A dolt like you can't climb the social ladder._

 _There's no way that you'd ever be a prince._

 _So you see, my ugly friend,_

 _For you to get your happy end,_

 _This thing may be your one and only chance!_

 _Come on, you know you won't be hurting dear sweet Elsa._

 _It's more like you're lending a helping hand._

 _Life gave her a rough deal,_

 _But your love can help her heal,_

 _Cuz w_ _e both know that all chicks just want a man._ _Ha!_ "

Suddenly, the cauldron was boiling over, hissing like a tea kettle, and filling the room with a blood red glow.

" _Come on, you poor unfortunate Fritz!_

 _Go ahead!_

 _Pick a side!_

 _I'm a very busy rock troll, and I haven't got all day._

 _It won't cost much,_

 _Just your pride!_

 _You poor unfortunate Fritz!_

 _It's sad but true,_

 _If you want to cross the bridge, my boy,_

 _Can't wait around and sit._

 _Take a sniff now take a whiff,_

 _Now take the beaker. This is it!_ "

Mossy handed Fritz a beaker of the red liquid. It bubbled furiously, almost like it was begging to have some magic love waves added to complete it.

Slowly, his hand shaking, Fritz accepted the beaker.

Mossy fist-pumped, then sang softly to himself:

" _Ha, I did it, now I've got this boy!_

 _Wow, what an idiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiioooooot!_

 _This poor unfortunate Friiiiiiiiiiiiiitzzzzzzzz!_ "

The cavern's lighting returned to a sickly green as the contents of the cauldron sloshed and spun. Fritz found himself paralyzed with awe as Mossy chanted:

" _Lutefiska, lutfiska_

 _Come winds of the Norwegian Sea!_

 _Cervidae capreolinae,_

 _Rangifer tarandus,_

 _La cor to me!_ "

He pointed to Fritz. "Now sing!"

"What?" said a disarmed Fritz. "Why-?"

"The song symbolizes Elsa's heart, NOW SING!"

Fritz reluctantly started doing the _Part of Your World_ theme with his soft, delicate, beautiful voice.


	4. Glögg

The bubbling pink liquid sloshed against the glass like it was alive, like it was trying to escape. Fritz sat up on his bed, staring at the beaker in his hands, paralyzed. He'd brought Mossy to the cave. He'd remembered the password song thingy. He'd watched as Mossy had waved his arms, drawing love-magic out of the Heart and into his brew. And then they'd shaken hands, and Fritz had tucked the potion into his pocket and returned to his group. Elsa, Anna, and Kristoff hadn't even batted an eyelash at his reappearance. Yes, Fritz had been covered from head to toe in cold sweat, but he was always like that, so they must not have noticed anything awry.

The liquid hissed again, shaking Fritz back into the present. What would happen if Elsa drank this stuff? Would she fall for Fritz right away or would it be more of a gradual, natural romance? Would she notice the change in herself? Would she be happy?

The more Fritz thought about it, the more his hands trembled. He'd already betrayed the trolls' trust by giving away the Heart's password. He ought to cut his losses, pour the stupid stuff in the toilet, and repent while he still could. Slowly, Fritz pulled himself to his feet, holding the potion out before him. He ought to have made a bee-line for the bathroom... but instead, he found his eyes wandering to the bear resting atop his covers. Even as a stuffed animal, Queen Elsa had an otherworldly beauty to her. It took all of Fritz's strength to tear himself away.

But when he did, purely by chance, his eyes instead landed on the miniature portrait resting on his nightstand. The gray-haired, beady-eyed, lumpy-headed woman scowled, staring right out the picture and into Fritz's very soul.

Out of nowhere, incredibly ominous yet epic Latin chanting started blaring in the background. The next thing he knew, Fritz was down on his knees before the nightstand, singing in a mournful voice:

" _I'm sorry, my m_ _omma._

 _I know that when you raised me, you,_

 _Tried to make me be a friendly kid._ "

A chorus of mysterious, disembodied voices chanted, " _Id agat, id agat._ "

" _I'm sorry, my momma._

 _I know you didn't want me to,_

 _Exploit some poor young girl like Poppa did_."

" _Non possum id diutius tenere._ "

As he sang, Fritz moved from the portrait to the bear. He sang louder, stronger:

" _Then tell me, my momma,_

 _Why I see her dancing there,_

 _Why her wintry eyes still soothe my soul._ "

" _Id agat, id agat_."

For a wild, fleeting moment, the Elsa-bear came to life, dancing seductively in Fritz's feverish mind.

" _I feel her, I see her._

 _The snowflakes in her platinum hair,_

 _Are swirling in me out of all control!_ "

" _Averte et ianuam claude._ "

Fritz did a little twirl, putting his hands over his heart.

" _I'm bitten._

 _Frostbitten._

 _Cold as the Ninth Circle._

 _With her I,_

 _Am smitten._

 _And now I'm infernal!_ "

Fritz fell back to his knees, sending a wave crashing over the bedroom. Giant Elsa-bears surrounded Fritz on all sides, towering over him, their beady button eyes watching him. Unblinking. Judging.

" _It's not my fault!_ "

" _Non curo-_ "

" _Not my notion!_ "

" _-quid dicturi sunt._ "

" _It was that weird rock troll,_

 _Who brewed me this potion!_ "

" _Tempestas furat._ "

He tried to run for it, but the rows of bears were endless.

" _It's not my fault_ -"

" _Frigida alio-_ "

"- _If in God's plan_ -"

" _-me numquam vexavit._ "

"- _He gave this woman so much power over man!_ "

The sea of Bearsas fused together, taking on a blue, misty form.

" _Ridiculum omnia quomodo, videntur parva._ "

It was the nude silhouette of Elsa's shapely body, gazing at Fritz lustfully as her hips swayed and her- Wait, _what_ _?_ How was this allowed in a Disney movie, again?

" _Please help me, my momma!_

 _I know the ball is almost here._

 _The best chance that I'll have to spike her drink!_ "

Fritz returned to his knees, tears in his eyes as he shrieked:

" _And then I'll have Elsa!_

 _And I'll just have to shake this fear,_

 _That I would be a bad person – I think?_ "

 _Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock._

"Agh!" Fritz spun around, hiding the beaker behind his back right as Princess Anna waltzed her way through the door.

"Fritz, come on, what's taking you so long?" With her makeup on, her hair tied up with a cute little ribbon, and an elegant gown hugging her body, Anna was almost rivaling her sister in beauty. Almost. "The ball's about to start! Why aren't you dressed?"

"I- I'm about to change," Fritz stammered, beads of sweat dripping down his neck. "Just give me another second."

"Alright." Anna turned for the door, but not before shooting him a wink. "Bet you'd get out here quicker if you knew what Elsa's wearing right now..." The lock clicked shut.

Fritz stared at the closed door. He had a couple particularly vivid ideas of what Elsa might have on, but none of them were very realistic. The queen's ballgowns probably had a bare minimum of fabric required...

As Anna's footsteps grew faint, the music swelled again. Fritz held the potion up before his eyes.

"I... I can't do it," he said faintly. "It's not right. It's not..."

Something in his peripheral vision shifted. Fritz spun his head around... to find himself staring into the bedroom mirror. But what stared back at him wasn't his reflection. It was a snarling, hulking man standing by the exit of a lavvu tent. In the corner, a boy and his momma were huddled together, trembling.

" _I can't do_ _it_ _anymore_ ," said the man. " _I'm sick of this. Sick of living with a pair of losers. Sick of living with my mistake_." His eyes traveled upwards... and locked with Fritz's.

Fritz felt his own face harden. Dimly, he realized he was only glaring at his own reflection, but it didn't matter anymore. He clutched the bubbling pink beaker to his chest.

" _Frostbitten._

 _She's bitten._

 _Now, Elsa, get ready._

 _Just one drop,_

 _Drink it, then,_

 _You'll fall in love with meeeeeeeeee!_ "

He marched towards his closet, where a fancy dress coat was hanging.

" _Timores quae olim imperaverunt mihi-_ "

" _I'm more than a loser._ "

"- _non possunt me-_ "

" _Soon these people will see-_ "

" _-facere ullo modo._ "

Fritz threw out his arms, the music swelling.

"- _Their beautiful queen's,_

 _In loooooooooove wiiiiiiiiiiiith meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-_ "

Fritz broke into a coughing fit. Man, it was really hard to hold the note for that long.

* * *

If he stood in a room with more than three other people, Fritz started hyperventilating, so a packed ballroom wasn't exactly high on the list of places he liked to hang out. Anna had assured him it'd only be a tiny ball, but, being Anna, she'd made sure to invite every villager in Arendelle and their mother. Heck, there were even boats arriving with royalty from those faraway kingdoms with weird nonsense names like Zaria, Chatho, and Vakretta. Vakretta? Was that even a word? Oh no. Fritz was going to mispronounce it in front of all the important rich people, and then he'd be the poor, uncultured laughingstock of the ball! Well, that did it. Fritz had been here two minutes, and it was already a disaster. He was leaving.

"Fritz! There you are!"

Naturally, the exit was blocked by the princess, who was hanging off the arm of her reindeer-sympathizer boyfriend. Kristoff had at least made a passable effort to clean himself up, though, so the stench of his evil, evil beast friend didn't assault Fritz's nose _quite_ as hard as usual. He seemed to be wearing the exact same dress suit as the one Anna had lent Fritz, only Kristoff actually filled his out.

"You got here just in time," said Anna. "The dancing's about to start. Hurry up and ask her before some lame prince does."

"Oh! Right!" Without further ado, Fritz scurried off to find the queen.

Fritz's eyes searched the room... then stopped dead in their tracks. There Elsa was, standing all poised and elegant by her throne, her gown billowing off of her. Anna hadn't been kidding about that dress. Elsa must've made it with her magic just for this ball. It was the kind of dress that knew just where to hug the body so it looked alluring but not shameless. Her shoulders were even showing. Not covered in a teasingly transparent layer of ice-fabric like usual. Elsa's real shoulders. Right there, for the whole world to see.

Elsa caught sight of him and waved. "Hi, Fritz. How are you liking the ball? Is this your first one?"

Fritz hurriedly wiped drool off his face. "Yeah, yeah! It's great! But it's a bit more, uh... social... than I'm used to."

Elsa chuckled softly. "To be honest, it's more social than I'm used to, too."

Fritz tried his best to laugh along with her without giggling like a lovesick maniac. "Really?"

She nodded. "I'm only throwing this ball for Anna. Now that the gates are open, she's really eager to fill the castle with people, but... sometimes I wish it could happen a bit slower." Elsa glanced away. "But so long as Anna's happy, it's fine."

"Do you want to try and slip away from the crowd?" Fritz blurted out. He kicked himself. "Not in a weird way! I just mean, uh, since neither of us are used to all this socialness, maybe it'd be best if, uh..."

Elsa gave a wry smile. "I think people would notice I'm gone."

"Oh, right..."

She kept smiling, but the humor faded from her eyes. "Hey, Fritz?"

"Yeah?"

"Have any of the other guards bothered you lately?"

"Oh." How was it that being in Elsa's presence made Fritz sweltering hot and freezing cold all at once? "Not since Samson, no." Long story short, Samson had been sent packing with a body temperature a bit lower than he'd have liked.

"Good, good." Was it Fritz's imagination, or did Elsa looked genuinely relieved? "You know, with the Admiral and... and everyone else who tried to kill me dealt with, you don't have as much bodyguarding to do anymore."

"Yeah, I guess not," Fritz said idly. Right now, his mental faculty was being spent less on conversation and more on adjusting his collar without looking like he was adjusting his collar.

"My point is, if you're going to have so much more free time now, could you..." Actually, Fritz wasn't the _only_ one fidgeting. "...could you promise me you won't spend all of it cooped up in your room anymore?"

"Huh?" Fritz was disarmed. What was she talking about? His room was the best part of the castle! It had all his books and stuff, and there were no other people to interact with in there.

"We could..." Elsa brushed her braid away from her face. "We could maybe do something together sometime."

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great." Fritz narrowly avoided biting his own tongue out of sheer shock. Did... Did Elsa _actually like_ him? This was incredible! He'd known she considered him his friend, but now she was asking him to hang out with her? As in, the two of them alone together?

Nearby, the royal band started playing a slow, sappy tune. This was it! This was Fritz's chance! He just had to ask her. Just one simple question.

"Hey, um, Elsa, would..." As he sputtered, Fritz's hand brushed something in his pocket. The beaker. Ha! Fritz didn't need that stupid thing anymore. He got this. "Would you like to dance with me?"

"I don't dance," Elsa said automatically.

"Oh, right, right, yeah, of course. Duh. Sorry I, uh... Sorry..." He did not got this.

"Excuse me, please." Elsa abruptly pushed past him. "I need to speak with the Zarian ambassador. We'll hang out together soon, I promise. It'll be fun. Just you and me... and Anna and Kristoff and Olaf." And just like that, Elsa vanished into the crowd.

Fritz stood in place, slackjawed, for several long seconds. Okay, that did it, it was love potion time.

* * *

" _Ow! Anna!_ "

"Sorry, sorry!" Anna hurriedly removed her heels from Kristoff's toes. Actually, she'd been abnormally graceful today, but towards the end of the dance her eyes had wandered towards the sight of Elsa walking away from Fritz. "Uh, can you give me a second?"

Kristoff raised an eyebrow. "You're not gonna pester Elsa about Fritz again, are you?"

"What? _Phht_ , no!" scoffed Anna. "That's crazy, Kristoff. You're crazy."

A minute later, Elsa was glancing up as her sister came towards her.

"Elsa! Why aren't you dancing with Fritz?"

"I don't know," Elsa said dully. "I'm not in the mood, I guess."

Anna folded her arms. "Well, me and Olaf didn't give you all those lessons so you could never dance again in your life. Come on, it's fun."

Elsa's eyes flitted shut. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine, really." Slowly, they re-opened... and caught sight of Anna's face. "Anna? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing." Anna glanced away, then muttered, "It just sounds like 'Gloved Elsa' talking, that's all."

For a moment, Elsa took this in silently. Then, faintly, she said, "You're right. I'm sorry." She put on a smile. "I can give dancing a try."

Anna smiled back. "Awesome. I'll go get Kristoff. We can all dance together – It'll be great!" And with that, she scurried off.

Elsa laughed, shook her head, then made her way back towards Fritz. She found the kid over by the banquet table, hovering near a big bowl of glögg and a silver tray holding several pre-filled glasses. "Fritz? I changed my-"

" _Want a drink, Your Majesty?_ " Fritz shoved a glass into her face with trembling hands.

"Oh, yes, thank you." Elsa accepted and took a polite sip. "Now then, I changed my... mind about..." Her voice trailed off.

That was odd. She was feeling downright lightheaded. From just one sip? Oh no. What had the royal chef _put_ in this glögg? Elsa had given him _specific_ instructions! Anna wasn't allowed near anything stronger than watered-down grape juice after the incident with the blunderbuss and that poor cow.

* * *

Okay, so far, so good. According to Mossy's instructions, once Elsa drank some of the potion, she would fall madly in love with whoever drank the rest of it, and that person would in turn fall madly in love with her. Of course, that wouldn't really be any different for Fritz, but still. Now all he had to do was drink his half of the potion. Fritz reached for another cup – He'd dumped what was left in there so as to look inconspicuous as he drank. The fizzy pink liquid had swirled in with the purple-red liquid until it was indistinguishable from plain old glögg. Fritz raised the cup to his lips, and then...

...and then he caught sight of Elsa. She was just standing there, a blank look in her eyes, like she was in a... a _trance_. The realization hit Fritz like a reindeer stampede. Slowly, reluctantly, he returned his cup to the tray, then put his back to it. He was so stupid. Mossy had lied – This stuff wouldn't just make Fritz more attractive to Elsa, it'd full-out override her brain!

This had gone too far. Fritz had to fess up. Already, he was forming the plan in his head. Kristoff was raised by the trolls, right? Fritz would go to him right now and explain everything, and then Kristoff would tell Grand Pabbie to change the Heart cave's password so Mossy couldn't get in there anymore. Problem solved.

He was about to head for the middle of the ballroom floor, where Anna was making a valiant effort not to step on any more of her boyfriend's toes, but something stopped Fritz. Elsa was still standing there, dazed. Suddenly, a horrible thought struck Fritz. What if the potion had already done something to her?

"Queen Elsa?" he spoke up. "Are you okay?"

"What? Oh, yes." This seemed to snap her back to alertness. "I'm fine."

Fritz sighed to himself. There was only one way to make absolutely sure it hadn't effected her. "Elsa, I... I know you said we're friends, but you've been so nice to me that, well, uh..." His eyes clamped shut. " _Do you want to go out with me?_ "

Elsa blinked. The question had, apparently, left her far more dazed than the potion ever could. There were several long seconds of horrible, deafening silence as Fritz's stomach twisted itself into increasingly intricate knots. Then Elsa laughed. "That's sweet, but I'm twenty-two, and I'll be twenty-three in December." She patted his shoulder – an action that required her to kneel slightly. "You need to find someone your own age."

"Oh. Right." It was weird. Fritz had spend hours of his life planning elaborate fantasy weddings in his head, but that one particular detail had never occurred to him before now. Now Fritz was standing in the bathtub, feeling all his hopes and dreams drain away beneath his toes. His greatest desire turned to dust before his eyes. It was taking everything Fritz had to keep from sniffling. He would never... never be with her. Fritz clutched his heart. This was unquestionably, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the absolute worst feeling he could possibly experience in his entire-

"Who wants glögg?" Just then, a servant came by holding up a tray of cups. Funny, it looked exactly like the one Fritz had left his love-potioned drink on.

...Oh.

Fritz immediately tried to tackle the servant, but he was, naturally, blocked by a wall of partygoers.

"Ooh! I love glögg!"

"Me too!"

Oh God. In all this chaos, _anyone_ could drink it. Fritz's head darted around the ballroom. Okay, okay, he could stop this. It wasn't too late. He just had to think rationally. The universe loved to screw Fritz over, right? So all he had to do was figure out who would be the worst possible person for Elsa to fall in love with and then knock the cup out of their hand.

"Mmm, so good." Gerda the maid downed hers in one gulp.

"Hey, you're right, this _is_ good." Kristoff did likewise. Then he turned to a certain snowman hovering by his leg. "Wait, _Olaf?_ But you don't have a sto-" Before he could finish, Olaf poured the whole cup in his mouth, dyeing his face into a glögg snow cone. "-mach."

Fritz scratched his head. Did that count as drinking it? Because if so, Olaf was obviously the worst possible-

"Ooh, glögg, my favorite!" Anna grabbed a cup.

It was at this point that Fritz started hollering a warning at the top of his lungs. It was also at this point that the band started playing an incredibly loud song.

Fritz struggled his way through the crowd. Okay, okay, he'd found it. He had to stop Anna from drinking that stuff at all costs. She _had_ to have the potioned cup. There was no other candidate on the face of the Earth who could possibly be worse than-

"Hey, Kristoff?" spoke up Anna. "Are you sure it's okay for Sven to be drinking this?"

"Yeah, it's fine." Kristoff poured some glögg into a plate on the floor, which his reindeer eagerly lapped up. "I know what's best for him."

Fritz ceased his struggling out of sheer, terrified awe. What- Why- _How?_

He bolted back to the banquet table. "Hey, Your Majesty, out of, err, idle curiosity, what do you think about that reindeer?"

"Who, Sven?" frowned Elsa. "He's alright, I suppose. Honestly, I'd rather animals not be allowed inside, but, well, I can't say no to Anna..."

Fritz breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't the antlered murder-beast after all. But then... it could still be _anyone_. "Um, random party game question," he said as he wiped a thick layer of sweat from his forehead, "if you had to date someone in this room, who would you pick?"

"What?" Elsa looked lost. "Why do you ask? Is this because I won't date you? I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested in being in a relationship with anybody."

" _Okay thanks bye!_ " Fritz dashed back to the glögg-bearing servant, leaving a confused Elsa behind. From the looks of things, nobody had drunk the potion yet, but there were still a couple glasses on the tray. The crowd had dispersed – This was Fritz's chance. All he had to do was "accidentally" bump the servant to make him spill the drinks, then make sure that hooved spawn of Beelzebub didn't lap any of it up.

Fritz made his way closer to the servant, preparing to shove.

 _Or..._

He froze.

 _Or you could drink the rest of the glögg yourself_ , said a horrible, horrible voice in the back of Fritz's head.

No, he couldn't! He mustn't! But then again... Elsa had made it pretty clear she was unobtainable. And it wasn't like hooking up with Fritz would make her _unhappy_... Besides, Fritz had gotten so far. Elsa had already drunk her half of the potion. Was Fritz really going to back out this late in the game?

As he stared at the glasses on the servant's tray, Fritz found himself singing in a low, ominous voice:

" _A man's gotta do,_

 _What a man's gotta do._

 _Don't plan the plan,_

 _If you can't follow through._

 _All that matters's,_

 _Taking matters,_

 _Into your own hands._ "

He reached for a glass.

" _Soon I'll control the Snow Queen._

 _My wish is_ _her_ _comman-_ "

" _Stand back everyone,_

 _Nothing here to see!_

 _Just a pair of strangers,_

 _Come to join in the party!_ "

Out of nowhere, a man and a woman burst through the entrance.

" _Princess Rapunzel's here,_

 _With her husband Eugene._

 _And boy, am I_ _ever so thirsty!_ "

The man made a bee-line for the glögg-tray, grabbed a cup, and took a swig.

" _No, wait-!_ " The glass was empty before Fritz could get three words out.

"Eugene!" The princess, a short-haired brunette in a pink dress, gave her husband a scathing look. "At least say hi to the queen before you start drinking all her punch."

"Alright, alright, I'll introduce myself to the queen." Her husband, a dark-haired dreamboat in a snazzy dress jacket, skimmed the crowd. The moment he caught sight of Elsa, an almost imperceptible spark crossed his eyes. "In fact... there's nothing in the world I'd rather do." He flashed a blinding grin.

"Wait." Rapunzel blinked. "What do you mean by-?"

" _A man's gotta do,_

 _What a man's gotta do._ "

Eugene glided across the ballroom, literally sweeping Elsa off her feet and into his arms.

" _Seems destiny,_

 _Ends with me meeting you._

 _You just can't know my woe if,_

 _You give me the cold shoulder,_

 _S_ _o first_ _I_ _'ll have to_ _show_ _you my_ _S_ _molder._ "

" _Eugene!_ " said a horrified Rapunzel. "That's _our_ Smolder!"

A curious Fritz leaned over to get a peek at Eugene's face. Whoa. _D_ _reeeeeeamyyyyyyy_.

"Hi, there." Eugene kissed Elsa's hand. "The name's Flynn. Flynn Rider."

"And I'm his wife, Rapunzel. Who he's married to. And is _standing right here!_ "

"H- Hello." For the first time Fritz could remember, Elsa's cheeks were bright red. "I'm E- El- Elsa..." Her voice trailed off. Apparently, Elsa was too lost in his eyes to recall her surname.

In a gentle, heartfelt voice, she sang:

" _How can this be true?_

 _I think I love you._

 _And somehow, inside me, I know,_

 _That you love me, too._

 _A_ _nd, if I may add,_

 _If it's not too bold of me,_

 _You are just really sexy._ "

"Same to you, Blondie," Eugene said quickly, then sang:

" _A man's gotta do,_

 _What a man's gotta do._ "

Elsa, meanwhile, added in her own harmonious voice:

" _You've swept me away._ "

"Are you kidding?"

" _Seems destiny ends-_ "

"Did you go _insane_ , Eugene?"

"- _w_ _ith me_ _meeting_ _you._ "

" _I guess this proves that I'm not gay._ "

"Stop looking at her like that!"

" _You are_ _the bes_ _t, I attest, yes it's true-_ "

"Did you notice that YOUR WIFE IS THREE FEET FROM YOU?"

"- _My heart is beating like a drum-_ "

"- _And I so badly,_

 _Want to be married to you-_ "

" _I_ wed this man! The wedding ring is on his hand!"

" _I am, I am lovestruck!_ "

" _You just can't know my woe if-_ "

" _I swear I will not-_ "

"- _You give me the cold shoulder!_ "

"- _give the cold shoulder!_ "

"Duuuuub teeeeeee effffffff?"

" _S_ _o first_ _I_ _'ll have to_ _show_ _you my_ _S_ _molder._ "

The lovers gazed into each other's eyes.

"Balls!" spat Rapunzel. "If I'd known you were like _this_ at balls, I wouldn't have- wouldn't- I-" Her lips started to quiver. "I thought you loved me."

Eugene cradled Elsa in his arms, letting her drink up every inch of his splendor.

"Just between you and me," Eugene murmured into her ear, "I've got _way_ more of a thing for blondes than I do for brun-"

 _Clang_.

There was an earsplitting ring of metal as something very big and very round collided with Eugene's noggin.

"Pretty... stars..." He hit the floor with a _whump_.

"Flynn!" gasped Elsa.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN HIS REAL NAME!" Rapunzel hoisted her frying pan over her shoulder, readying another swing. "Listen up, missy, I don't know what kind of spell you cast on him, but you're gonna undo it right this second or else-"

"Ha! There's no spell!" sneered Elsa, pulling herself to her full stature. "I guess your beau just doesn't love you as much as you think he does!"

"That's it!" Rapunzel's face was reddening at an alarming rate. "I'm gonna leave you spewing snow out your ears, you frigid b-"

"Bring it on!" With a snap of her fingers, a frying pan of solid ice appeared in Elsa's hand.

"RAAAAAAAAAH-!"

"RAAAAAAAAAH-!"

* * *

"What... What have I done?"

A horrified onlooker watched as the queen and princess charged at each other, frying pans swinging every which way. The royal chef bowed his head. In hindsight, putting all that vodka in the glögg probably hadn't been the best idea ever.


	5. Eugelsa

**Author's Note: So apparently a lot of people didn't get the second song parody last chapter, which is, err, probably my fault for suddenly using a non-Disney song. Sorry about that. Also, you need to stop whatever you're doing right now and go watch Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (And don't worry, I'll include a list of all the songs being parodied at the end of the fanfic).**

* * *

Staff and partygoers alike watched in stunned silence as the gorgeous queen of Arendelle and the adorable princess of Corona charged, shrieking their heads off and attempting to cave each other's skulls in with frying pans.

"Hold still, you hiemal homewrecker!" screamed Rapunzel, swinging with all her might.

"He doesn't want _you_ , you bleached-blonde bimbo!" Elsa spat back, narrowly ducking the pan's flat end.

The crowd held its breath as Rapunzel dodged the ice-pan by a hair. About the only people not transfixed by the spectacle were Prince Eugene, who was face-down on the carpet seeing stars, Fritz, who was sobbing softly in the corner of the ballroom, and Olaf, whose head had fallen into the glögg punchbowl.

" _Yer..._ _Y_ _er mah besht friend, Shven..._ " Olaf's body gave the reindeer a big hug, then toppled over.

"You don't deserve him!" Back in the heat of the combat, Elsa took another swipe with her icy frying pan. It struck Rapunzel's with a _clang_ , but the ice proved surprisingly sturdy. "You're just some pampered rich girl! I spent my life locked away from the world because of my magic!"

" _I was literally just about to say that!_ " Rapunzel took another swing-

"Stop, stop!" -only to find a fellow princess grabbing her arm.

"Both of you, cut it out before someone gets hurt!" While Anna restrained Rapunzel, Kristoff did likewise for Elsa.

Rapunzel scowled, effortlessly breaking free of Anna's grasp. "Your sister put some kind of spell on my husband!"

"Elsa would never do that," Anna said firmly. "Besides, she's got ice-magic, not, like, love-magic."

"She's just as much a victim here as he is," added Kristoff.

"I'm not the victim of anything!" said Elsa, struggling against him frantically. "Anything but a victim of LOVE! Let me go!"

"Are you even listening to yourself, Elsa?" Anna turned towards her, concern crossing her face. "You sound like a complete nutjob."

It was at this point that Elsa started singing. " _Let me go, let me go_ _!_ _H_ _ave to_ _attack_ _this cheap-_ _MMPH MMPH MMPH!_ " Fortunately, Kristoff clamped his hand over her mouth in the nick of time.

Rapunzel lowered her frying pan, her eyes widening. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I- I didn't think-"

"Hey, it's okay." Anna patted her shoulder. "I'd have done the same thing if I was you." She gave a feeble smile. "So, uh, where'd that frying pan come from, anyways?"

"Oh, I keep it on me at all times," said Rapunzel. "For self-defense."

"That's the best idea I've ever heard!"

"I know, right?"

"Girls, girls, let's try to stay on track here. I think I know what's going on." Kristoff caught the attention of the crowd, cleared his throat, and announced, "Somebody slipped the queen a love potion!"

A collective gasp crossed the ballroom.

" _Wh_ _aaaa_ _at?_ A love potion?" Fritz brought a palm to his chest. " _Come on_ , now. Are- Are you sure? I mean, maybe they just had too much to drink?"

"I'm positive," said Kristoff. "This is just like what happened at Cliff and Bulda's wedding. She nearly married Uncle Geode..."

"But why would somebody do such a thing?" asked Kai, stepping forward. "To start a war between Arendelle and Corona?"

Elsa freed her mouth. "Any war is just when it's fought for TRUE L- _MMPH MMPH MMPH!_ "

"Oh, I definitely know who the culprit is. No doubt about it." Had Kristoff been the more observant type, he might have noticed Fritz turn white as a sheet. "It was Mossy!"

"M-M-Mossy?" repeated Fritz. "Who's that? I've never heard of that person before in my life."

"He's nobody," said Kristoff, a note of bitterness in his voice. "Just the slimiest troll in Arendelle. When Grand Pabbie rejected him as an apprentice, Mossy taught himself how to brew potions, then used them to screw with people's love lives. And messing with love is a big no-no for trolls, so he got himself banished." He paused, then added, "Also, not to be mean, but the guy's really, really disgusting. He's got just the _worst_ hygiene, and I mean by troll standards."

"Okay, but I don't see any trolls around here..." Anna peered around the ballroom, but there was nobody present but humans (plus the odd snowman and reindeer). She turned to the guards stationed at the entrance doors. "Did you see anyone come in or out? Specifically, like, a troll, or possibly a big rock?"

"No, ma'am," said the guard, bowing slightly.

"Hmm..." Anna frowned. "And the royal food taster's not making goo-goo eyes at Prince Eugene, is he?"

"Well, not because of the potion, no..."

"Aha!" Anna pointed a triumphant finger into the air. "That means Elsa had to have drunk the potion after the ball already started, which means someone in this room is Mossy's accomplice!"

"Are- Are you sure?" Fritz said through chattering teeth. "Who knows? Maybe he – or she – slipped out during the chaos? They could be anywhere in the castle. Anywhere on the planet, really."

Anna ignored him, turning back to the guards. "Nobody's allowed in or out of the ballroom until we get to the bottom of this. And I'm in charge for now since Elsa's, err... not herself at the moment."

"What are you talking about?" Elsa once again wormed free of Kristoff's grasp. "I feel perfectly fine!" He tried to restrain her, but she fought back harder than ever. "You can't manhandle me! I'm the queen! Guards! _Guard_ _s_ _!_ "

"Elsa, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to keep you from- Agh!" Kristoff ducked an elbow to the face. "I'm trying to keep you from kissing that prince. It'd make the spell permanent!"

" _What?_ " Anna, Rapunzel, and Fritz all spun towards him in horror.

"It'd be, like, a corrupted true love's kiss or something," Kristoff said hurriedly. "That's why the trolls made tampering with love magic illegal. It can mess up people's relationships _for good_."

"Well, then, we've gotta fix this fast!" Rapunzel hurried to her husband's side, cradling him in her arms. "How do you break the spell?"

"I... I don't remember. I was just a little kid last time." Kristoff strained his forehead. "I think a _real_ true love's kiss would fix it."

"Great!" Rapunzel gave her husband a shake. "Eugene, wake up!"

"Ugh..." His lids opened halfway. "Wuh...?"

"It's kiss time!" Rapunzel puckered up and leaned in.

 _Wham._

But at the last second, she was blown back by a gust of freezing wind.

"Hey, what the-?"

"You stay away from MY MAN!" Elsa stepped between them, her hands crackling with magic. A fence of icicles sprouted around Rapunzel, matching the one already surrounding Kristoff.

"Thank you, my love!" Eugene sprang to his feet. "You've saved me from that evil witch!"

"Yes, Flynn," said Elsa, gliding towards him. "Now quickly, kiss me so our love will last forever!"

"Yes, of course!" Eugene shut his eyes, moving his face closes to hers-

" _Nooooooooo!_ " -only to find his path blocked by Anna.

"Get out of the way, Anna!" said Elsa through gritted teeth. " _He's miiiiiiiiiine_."

"I know, I know!" Anna said frantically. "But you can't kiss him yet!"

Elsa raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because, uh, because you're not married to him. It'd look bad for your image as queen."

" _You're_ not married to Kristoff, and you've done a lot worse with _him_ ," said Elsa.

Every last eye in the ballroom fell on Anna. Specifically, on her bright red ears.

Anna let out an anxious laugh. "Wow, the love potion's making Elsa say such crazy untrue stuff, am I right? Ha ha... ha..." She turned back to Elsa. "Okay, but why wait? You love Eugene, right?"

"Flynn."

"Whatever. The point is, why not go ahead and get married right now? And, y'know, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, so you two are gonna have to stay away from each other for a while..."

Elsa stared at her.

"What?"

"I can't marry a man I just met," Elsa said plainly, like Anna was an idiot.

"Oh, come _on!_ " Anna threw her hands in the air. "You've been brainwashed by a love potion! _That_ _rule_ _doesn't apply anymore!_ "

"Besides," added Rapunzel, scowling at Elsa through the icicles of her cage, "it's not like that'd be much worse than, I don't know, _adultery_."

"That's a good point..." Elsa pondered this. "You know what? You're right." She turned to the crowd and said in a booming voice, "I've made up my mind! We're having a royal wedding today!"

"That's great!" Anna grinned, half from fake-cheer, half from genuine relief. "Now why don't we take Eugene to a guest bedroom so he can lie down? He's, uh, probably got a concussion..." The guards obediently carried Eugene off. "Okay, now you run off to your room and get to work on your wedding dress. I'll be with you in a second."

"Alright, Anna. This is going to be the best wedding ever!" And with that, Elsa ran out the ballroom.

Now that the two lovebirds were safely separated, the rest of the ballroom sighed in relief. A couple servants got to work helping Kristoff and Rapunzel climb over the icicles.

"I'll go get Grand Pabbie." As soon as he was free, Kristoff went over to Sven – who'd been hanging out at a large region of the banquet table that served nothing but carrots. "He knows how this potion stuff works better than me."

"Great. And now you can go kiss your husband while Elsa's distracted." Anna took Rapunzel's arm and led her to the door.

"But- But he's not gonna want to kiss me back, is he?" said Rapunzel, her brow wilting.

"Sure he will." Anna gave a devious smile. "You've just gotta use your feminine wiles on him."

"Gosh... I've never seduced someone before..."

"You'll do fine." Just before heading out the door herself, Anna glanced back at the ballroom. "Hey, Fritz?"

" _I didn't do it-_ I mean-" Fritz cleared his throat. "Yes, Your Highness?"

"Come with me," said Anna. "You're used to guarding Elsa, right? Well, this time you need to guard her from herself. Make sure she stays super far away from Prince Eugene."

"Yeah... Okay..." Fritz reluctantly slinked towards her.

"And don't forget-" Anna looked back at the guards. "-no one else leaves this ballroom until we get a confession from the perp. Whoever it is, I'm not resting until they're behind bars."

"Behind bars?" Fritz brought his nails to his mouth. "Don't you think they, uh, deserve a lighter sentence?"

Anna gave him a look. "Fritz, whoever did this needs to punished. I mean, tricking someone into falling in love just to further your own agenda? That's, like, the absolute worst thing you can do to anyone."

"Yeah... You're right." As he spoke, Fritz's eyes drifted to his feet. "They're a horrible person."

* * *

"Nngh..." Eugene rolled over under the bedcovers. Yes, being wacked in the noggin with a frying pan hurt, but the _true_ pain was being separated from the one he loved most. Every moment he spent without his beloved Elsa was simply not a moment worth-

"Oh, Eugene..." said a singsong voice from the doorway. The door creaked open to reveal a brunette girl giving him a crooked smile. Her pretty pink dress had slipped off at the shoulder.

"No!" Eugene snarled, stumbling backwards against the bedpost. "Stay away, vile temptress! I have eyes only for the queen!"

"Are you _suuuuure?_ " Rapunzel batted her eyelashes. "Can't you just forget about her for a little bit? She never has to find out about this..."

Eugene folded his arms. "My love for her is absolute."

Rapunzel giggled. "Yeah, well, I'm your wife. I know things about you Elsa doesn't..." She knelt down, kicked off her heel, and then _slooooooooowly_ removed her stocking. Her bare toes wiggled enticingly.

" _No!_ " Eugene gasped, clutching his hands over his heart. "She's found my weakness!"

* * *

"How's this one?" Elsa twirled around, showing off a wedding dress magically woven from the kind of snow that was so pure and so white, it hurt Fritz's eyes to look at.

"It's good," said Anna, "but is it good enough for your wedding? I don't think so."

"You're right. It needs more frills!" Elsa ran back into her bedroom, leaving Anna and Fritz out in the halls.

"How much longer do you think we can stall her?" asked Fritz.

"I don't know," frowned Anna. "I just hope it's long enough for Rapunzel to get that kiss in..." For a moment, the hallway was silent, save for the faint ticking of a grandfather clock. Then, Anna sighed and said, "I can't figure out why the heck anyone would do this. What's there to gain from setting Arendelle and Corona against each other? Is it to ruin Elsa's reputation? To humiliate her? Or maybe they just REALLY ship Elsa and Eugene?"

"Well..." Fritz glanced away, then muttered, "Maybe the potion was meant for someone el-?"

 _Thump_.

"What was that?" Anna burst the bedroom door to find Elsa's window wide open. "Oh, that can't be good..." Right outside was a walkway of ice extending around the rim of the castle, leading all the way to the window of a certain guest bedroom.

"I'm sorry!" And, of course, bolting across the walkway was none other than Elsa. She glanced back at Anna, a crazed gleam in her eyes. "I can't hold back any longer! I have to have him _now!_ "

"Fritz, after her!" Before he could protest, Fritz was hurled onto the walkway and dragged along by a frantic Anna.

No big deal, no big deal. Fritz just had to run as fast as he could... across a platform of slippery ice... several feet above the cold, hard ground below. Simple.

* * *

"This is so wrong," Eugene said in a hushed voice, "and yet so right!"

"Shh..." Rapunzel crawled closer over the covers, drawing her lips towards his as she shut her eyes. "I know you still love me. No stupid potion can change that. C'mon, don't you remember?"

A gentle, soothing tune began to play as she sang in a soft, delicate voice:

" _And at last I see the light,_

 _And it's like the fog has-_ "

 _Slam._

The window burst open, releasing a torrent of icy wind that sent Rapunzel hurtling off the bed.

"Agh! Hey-" Before she could so much as flinch, she was frozen to the carpet by her wrists.

"Queen Elsa!" Eugene sprang to his feet, hurriedly smoothing his hair. "I was being completely faithful to you, honest!"

"No more games, my love." Elsa pulled herself through the window and deposited herself on the carpet. She walked towards him, her hips swaying with every step. "I want you _now_."

* * *

"She went in the window!" Fritz yelped. He and Anna were traversing the walkway as fast as they could, but every step nearly sent them plummeting. "We're out of time!"

"No we're not!" Anna pulled herself back to her feet, clenching her fists. "Couples never kiss until after their big romantic musical number. It's like a law or something. That should buy us a few more minutes."

* * *

" _Kiss me too fiercely._

 _Hold me too tight._ "

Elsa sprawled herself across the covers, pinning down a shivering Eugene.

" _I need help believing,_

 _You're with me tonight._ "

* * *

"Almost there, almost there!" Anna and Fritz were mere inches from the window. "C'mon, c'mon..."

The music was swelling. That meant they only had seconds left... With no other choice, they dived for it.

* * *

" _And if it turns out,_

 _It's over too fast,_

 _I'll make every last moment last._

 _As long as you're mine..._ "

Suddenly, Elsa drew back.

"What is it?" asked Eugene.

Elsa glanced away. "It's just, for the first time, I feel..." She leaned in again, then whispered, " _frozen_."

" _What does that mean?_ " Eugene whispered back.

"It means my body temperature drops when I'm aroused," said Elsa. "That's part of the reason I didn't want a partner before I met you. I'm about to freeze the spit to the inside of your mouth. Just thought I should warn you."

"Oh." Eugene stared at her for a second. "Y'know what? Maybe we're rushing into things too-"

" _You're mine and I'm having you_ _NOW_ _!_ "

"RAPUNZEL! RAPUNZEL, HELP!"

" _Eugene!_ " Rapunzel struggled with all her might against her icy restraints, but it was no good. She could only watch helplessly as Elsa's mouth drew in closer... and closer...

" _STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!_ "

At the last possible moment, Anna came barreling through the window with Fritz in her arms. She punted him, sending Fritz hurtling towards the bed. With a _crash_ , Elsa hit the carpet, followed by Fritz. The two of them formed a writhing ball of clothes and hair and skin until, finally, their bodies untangled from each other... save for their lips, which had ended up glued together.

"Gah!" Fritz promptly unglued himself, horror on his face. "I'm so sorry, Your Majesty! I didn't want to kiss you like that! We- We were running out of ideas! We were desperate-"

"Nngh..." Elsa clutched her head. "What was I doing...?" It hit her all at once. " _What_ was I _doing?_ " Fritz jumped off her so she could pull herself to her feet. "Princess Rapunzel, Prince Eugene, you have my deepest, _deepest_ apologies! I- I don't know what came over me-" Blushing, she waved her arms, unfreezing the ice over Rapunzel's wrists.

The instant she was freed, Rapunzel sprang to her feet and smushed her face against Eugene's. Then she pulled back and asked, "How do you feel?"

Eugene gave a wry smile. "Like the time I snuck some of Mother Maria's secret stash and then woke up on the orphanage steps the next day with a live chicken on my chest."

Rapunzel beamed. " _That's_ the Eugene I know and love." She pecked his cheek.

"What... What happened, exactly?" asked a dazed Elsa.

"It's okay," said Anna as she straightened Elsa's wedding dress, which had become... dislodged, somewhat. "Some jerk just slipped you and Eugene a love potion, that's all."

" _What?_ " Elsa blinked in surprise, then burst out laughing. "Are you serious? I almost got with- with _him?_ "

"Yeah." Anna laughed a bit, too. "Crazy, right?"

"What on earth was I thinking?" As she spoke, Elsa moved across the bedroom... "Why would I ever want someone else's husband-" ...and grabbed Fritz's arm. "-when the most gorgeous hunk of man meat on the planet is standing right _here?_ "

Fritz squealed in equal parts delight and horror as her lips locked with his.


	6. Never Did Run Smooth

**_Fun Fact:_ I was originally going to make Fritz put the love potion in Elsa's chocolate fondue. That would've been funnier, but it wouldn't really have made any sense seeing as chocolate fondue is more of a dipping sauce kinda thing, not something you just straight-up drink like glögg. Well, Elsa and Anna probably do, but still.**

* * *

"Ugh... Wha... Where am I?"

Slowly, Olaf's snowy eyelids opened up to find the ballroom ceiling spinning above him. He looked down at himself, his head throbbing from the movement. Olaf's carrot was missing, his coal-buttons and twig-arms had swapped places, and the words "PARTY ANIMAL" were painted bright red on his chest. Olaf's head was perpendicular to his torso, and his butt was nowhere to be seen, but wherever it was, it felt _funky_.

"What... happened?"

With a bit of effort, Olaf managed to roll himself upright, though it left his head turned sideways. From this angle, Olaf could see that lying beside him on the ballroom floor was a young, beautiful royal maid. Her cheeks were crimson, and in her swaying hand was a half-empty glass of glögg.

The moment his eyes fell on her, the maid giggled. "Hi, Olaf."

"Um, hello." Olaf gave a polite wave of his new coal-arm. "Have you seen my butt?"

This only made the maid giggle harder. "Olaf, hash anyone ever told yuh yer warm hugsh are _amazing?_ " She snuggled up against him.

"Um..." Olaf inched backwards. "I really need to go find my butt. It was, uh, nice meeting you. Well, I don't actually remember, but I'm sure it was nice." With that, he hopped away by his torso.

"Call me!" the maid yelled after him.

Meanwhile, at the head of the ballroom, the guests were flocking to the entrance doors, where the queen had just pushed her way inside past the guards. An elaborate, icy wedding dress adorned her body, and a scrawny boy in an oversized dress jacket trembled at her side. He tried to escape, but her grip on his arm was iron.

"Change of plans, everyone!" Elsa announced to the crowd. "I won't be marrying Prince Eugene."

There was a collective sigh of relief-

"I'll be marrying Fritz here instead!"

-followed by gasps of horror. One look at Fritz, and the partygoers were protesting far louder than they ever were at Eugene.

"Now, everyone to the chapel." Elsa spun back towards the door, an oblivious smile on her face. "We need to throw this wedding as soon as possible so Fritzy and I can hurry up and spend the rest of our lives in blissful matrimony."

"Are- Are you sure that's a good idea, Elsa?" stammered Fritz. "I mean, shouldn't we at least live together for a while to see if we're, y'know, compatible?"

Elsa looked a bit like a kitten who'd just been smacked in the nose. "Are... Are you saying you don't... _want_ to marry me?"

" _No no of course I do I love you with all my heart and soul!_ "

Her smile returned as quickly as it'd gone. "Aww, I love you, too, Fritzy." She gave his arm a tug. "Now come on, the chapel's right this way-"

" _Stop the wedding_ _!_ " Just then, an out-of-breath Anna burst into the ballroom, followed by Rapunzel and Eugene.

"Oh, come on!" Elsa threw out her hands. "What could the problem _possibly be_ this time? I'm not even committing adultery anymore!"

"Elsa, you _have_ to listen to me!" Anna's voice was bordering on frantic. "I know you think you love Fritz, but that's not what's really going on here!"

Elsa looked lost. "What do you mean?"

Anna stepped forward, wrenching Fritz free of Elsa's grasp. "I know just what's happening."

"What?" asked Elsa.

"And you can't even tell!"

"Well..."

"You think it's love, but in reality... you're brainwashed by a spell!"

Elsa's eyes went wide. "No!"

"I know you know that I'm right! You must be well aware! And so I just can't help but start to fear... that you don't even caaaaaaaaaaaaare!"

No sooner had the words left Anna's mouth than Elsa started to sing, accompanied by that foreign language-chanting chorus who did _Vuelie_ :

" _Feels so wrong and yet so right,_

 _Whenever I'm with him._

 _For the first time since I was locked away,_

 _My life's guided by whim._ "

Elsa twirled in time with the music, grinning blissfully. Fritz, however, looked more troubled. A voiceover of his inner thoughts sang:

" _I know it's just the potion,_

 _But if there is no cure,_

 _Could she be mine at last? Impossible!_

 _I'd burn in hell for sure..._ "

Then Elsa turned to Anna and sang:

" _Who cares if some love magic,_

 _Is what's helping me see?_

 _Weren't you the one who said that I should date?_

 _Just let me be happy!_ "

And then the chorus played again amidst a time-elapse montage of the royal wedding being prepared:

" _Feels so wrong and yet so right,_

 _Whenever I'm with him._

 _For the first time since I was locked away,_

 _My life's guided by whim._ "

The scene switched to Fritz staring at himself in his bedroom mirror, tugging at the collar of the fancy white suit he'd been forced into.

" _Feels so wrong and yet so right._

 _I would pay any cost,_

 _If she'd look this way she looks at me,_

 _When_ _she's not_ _brainwashed._ "

Finally, as the music slowed, the montage came to an end within a packed chapel. Every last partygoer had been ushered in from the ballroom and forced to look happy under threat of freezing. The only thing impeding the proceedings was a desperate Anna, who sang a heartbroken final verse as a guard dragged her away:

" _And if you two get wed tonight,_

 _It can't be undooooooooone._

 _Well, okay, yes, it could, technically,_

 _But it would not be fu_ _uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu_ _n-_ _Agh!_ "

She found her butt plopped into a pew.

"I'm sorry, Your Highness," the guard murmured in her ear. "We don't know what exactly this love potion's done to your sister – We're afraid it could trigger her powers if we upset her. We have to do as she says."

"Yeah, just play it cool," Anna whispered back. "Did you get a fake priest like we planned?"

The guard shook his head. "Even under the love potion, Queen Elsa was too smart to fall for that. She recognizes the real royal priest from her coronation."

"Dang, that's right." Anna slammed her fist against the pew. "Okay, no big deal, we'll just, uh..." As Fritz walked by the aisle, she leaned out and whispered, "Fritz, bad news, you're gonna have to get married for real."

" _What?_ " Fritz's face went supernova.

"Calm down. We'll have it annulled once Elsa's back to normal. Oh, and, err, Fritz?" Anna gave him a pointed look. "If we can't cure Elsa by tonight, then, well..."

Fritz swallowed. "Then what?"

"Then you had an accident cutting firewood when you were seven and now you're totally impotent." She jabbed a finger in his face. "That's your story and you're sticking to it, capisce?"

"Y-Yeah, of course!"

Anna's eyes narrowed. "I'm serious. I'll know if you try anything – I'm putting guards everywhere."

* * *

"Henrik?" A royal guard ran up to the base of a tree in the palace gardens and looked skyward. "What are you doing up there?"

"Oh, hi, Morten!" A second guard waved down at him from the highest branch, which just so happened to be positioned right next to Elsa's bedroom window. "Princess Anna told me to climb up here and watch through that window, and if I see the queen having sex with her bodyguard, I'm supposed to report it immediately to-"

"Okay, okay! Sorry I asked!"

* * *

"I'd never take advantage of Elsa like that!" Fritz's cheeks had gone the color of a particularly abashed radish. "I'm not a bad person, honest!"

At this, Anna seemed to relax. "Yeah, I know, I'm just saying. I mean, with Elsa throwing herself at you, it's gonna be pretty hard to resist-" She patted his shoulders. "-but I trust you. You're a good guy."

"Thanks." With that, Fritz continued down the aisle.

He felt sick at his stomach. Mossy had said the potion would just make Elsa more attracted to him, not that it'd make her want to marry Fritz _that day!_ While apologizing to Rapunzel, Elsa had insisted she'd been planning nothing worse than making out and cuddling with Eugene, but if Elsa ended up actually getting married to Fritz, who knew where she'd draw the line?

But Fritz had meant his promise to Anna just now – He really had. In fact, he was starting to think that as far as breathtakingly beautiful things went, Elsa was the type where it was best to look but not touch. Fritz's spit _still_ hadn't thawed completely...

This should've been a dream come true. As in, Fritz had literally dreamed of marrying Elsa. But the more of the ceremony Fritz watched, the tighter the knot in his stomach twisted itself. He stood paralyzed at the head of the pews, trembling as Elsa glided down the aisle, her elegant dress trailing behind her.

Right before Elsa reached earshot, the priest leaned in behind Fritz and murmured, "Just so you know, son, the people of Arendelle won't recognize this union at all. We're not even noting this little mishap in the royal records." He patted Fritz's shoulder. "But don't worry, nobody has any ill will towards you. None of this is your fault."

"Thanks..." At this point, Fritz would've given anything for Alexander the Great to barge in and untie his stomach for him.

The whole world felt like a haze as Elsa finished her trek down the aisle, then stood across from Fritz, beaming at him as the priest recited all of the painfully cliché wedding lines.

"Do you, Queen Elsa-" The next word in the sentence was Elsa's surname. "-take Fritz Herman Gudmund to be your lawfully wedded husband, 'til death do you part?"

Elsa's eyes locked with Fritz's. "I do."

The priest turned to a trembling Fritz. "And do you, Fritz Herman Gudmund, take Queen Elsa-" He said her surname again. "-to be your lawfully wedded wife, 'til death do you part?"

"I... I..." Fritz took a breath, leaving the whole chapel watching in anxious silence. He glanced at Elsa, who gave an expectant nod. "I..." Fritz's eyes clamped shut. "I can't."

" _What?_ What do you mean you can't?" No sooner were the words out Fritz's mouth than Elsa's lips started to tremble. "We love each other! This is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives!" She sniffled, causing a flurry of snowflakes to swirl around the panicked audience.

" _Say yes, you idiot!_ " the priest said through gritted teeth. " _We'll have it annulled later! Do you WANT another eternal winter?_ "

"No, you don't understand. I can't marry Elsa because... because..." Fritz fell to his knees. "... _iiiiiii_ _it was meeeeeeeeeeeee! I gave her the love potion!_ "

The crowd gasped in unison.

" _You?_ " Anna sprang to her feet, running to the front of the chapel.

"What?" Following behind her were Rapunzel and Eugene. Rapunzel gaped at Fritz, her eyebrows quivering. "Why the _heck_ would you want Elsa to hook up with Eugene?"

"It was an accident," said Fritz, burying his eyes in his hands. " _I_ was supposed to drink that glögg. That's how the potion got past the royal food taster. The queen's own bodyguard stabbed her in the back."

"But why would you bother with a love potion?" asked Anna. "You hadn't even asked Elsa out yet. For all you knew, she would've said yes anyways!"

"Are you kidding?" Fritz uncovered his eyes to scowl at her. "I never had a chance with Elsa! I'm not a prince or a nobleman. I never went on an epic adventure with her like _your_ boyfriend did with _you_. I'm just a-" The scowl faded. "-a nobody. An idiot who screws up at everything. A complete loser." He shut his eyes. "I couldn't even use the love potion right. I screwed up at _cheating_."

"So... So you loved me all along?" said Elsa. "Even before the love potion?"

"Yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I should never have done this to you. _I'm a horrible person!_ _How could I have ever aaaawwahahbuhbuhbuh-_ " The rest of Fritz's words were impossible to decipher.

"Oh, Fritz." Elsa knelt down to meet his eyes. "I had no idea you felt that way." She gave a warm smile. "I forgive you for using a love potion on me."

Fritz gazed up at her through a blanket of tears. "You do?"

"Yes, of course." said Elsa, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I love you no matter what, potion or no potion."

"Really?" Fritz blinked. "You mean that?"

" _NO, she doesn't mean that, you ding-dong!_ " snapped Anna. "She's still being brainwashed!"

Fritz's face fell. "Oh yeah."

"But that doesn't mean we can't get married!" added Elsa, a note of desperation in her voice. "It doesn't matter _why_ I love you. Come on, all you have to do is say 'I do,' and then we can kiss."

"But- But it'd be morally wrong to-"

" _Say 'I do' right this instant!_ " Out of nowhere, the room temperature dropped below freezing, and rows of jagged icicles erupted out between the pews.

" _I do! I do!_ " squeaked Fritz.

"Then, um, err-" The priest took a moment to compose himself. "If anyone has any objections to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"Yes, excuse me, I have an objection." A random servant from the pews raised his hand. "This Gudmund person has had no royal training whatsoever. Giving him authority as king would be nothing but a hindrance to the well-being of Arendelle."

"Ha!" spat Elsa. "True love is more important than your petty politics!"

"But he sabotaged his monarch's mind with a magic potion," added another member of the crowd. "Shouldn't he be arrested for treason?"

"Yes," said Elsa, "but because Fritz was acting in the best interest of true love, I'm officially pardoning him."

"And what kind of royal wedding is this, anyways?" added another. "You just threw this thing together in a couple hours and then forced everyone at your ball to-"

"Don't care, true love!"

"But Gudmund is just a little boy!" added another. "You can't marry someone undera-"

"TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"

" _Please tell me I didn't sound like that when I was with Hans_ ," muttered Anna.

"None of you understand!" Elsa was practically frothing at the mouth. "Fritz has been treated like dirt his whole life, and he has a crush on me, so that means he deserves to have me _no matter what_. Isn't that right, Fritzy?" She gave him a loving smile, swapping from monstrous to bubbly in miliseconds.

"I..." Fritz's voice trailed off. He stared into space, horrified. "I guess that... _is_ what I thought."

"Good." Elsa turned to the priest. "Now finish marrying us!"

"Y-Yes, Your Majesty." The priest cleared his throat, then said, "You may now kiss the-"

"I OBJECT!"

The chapel doors burst open, and in charged a blonde beauty atop his noble steed. Sven flung himself between Fritz and Elsa, allowing Kristoff to hop off and drop a boulder onto the carpet.

"Grand Pabbie, do your thing!" said Kristoff. "Hurry!"

The boulder uncurled before the awestruck audience, revealing a decrepit old troll. The moment his eyes fell on Elsa, Grand Pabbie raised his arms.

"Stay back!" She tried to grab her fiance, but Sven dutifully blocked Elsa's reach. "You can't stop this marriage! It's _TRUE FRIGGIN' LOVE!_ "

"Whoa." Kristoff's eyes went wide. "Elsa's gone nuts!"

" _I am perfectly sane!_ " snapped Elsa. She pointed at one of her guards and barked, "Gunter! Seize them!"

"My name's Robert," muttered the guard.

"This is worse than I feared," Grand Pabbie said gravely. "The potion's taken deep root in her mind."

"Wait, I thought she was fawning over that prince guy?" frowned Kristoff.

"His wife kissed him and turned him back to normal, but Fritz ended up kissing Elsa and now she's in love with him instead!" Anna said hurriedly.

"A corrupted true love's kiss." Grand Pabbie bowed his head. "It's not permanent as Kristoff feared, but undoing its effects is problematic."

"I don't care!" Elsa threw out her hands, shooting pillars of frost towards the ceiling. "If you don't back off and let me marry my true love, _so help me I will freeze every last person in this room!_ "

Pabbie sighed. "Then you leave me no choice." Before she could react, he swished his arms, filling the podium with blinding light that enveloped not only Elsa, but everyone standing nearby. They all flinched, but when the light faded, the room was seemingly unchanged.

Elsa blinked. "Oh my God." She brought her hands to her mouth. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that! I'd never use my powers to hurt anyone!"

" _Elsa_ ," Grand Pabbie said sternly. "Focus. Do you have romantic feelings for Fritz?"

"What?" Elsa let out a laugh. "Don't be ridiculous. You know I only have eyes for _this cutie right here_." She grabbed Kristoff's arm.

"Alright!" Kristoff grinned. "You're _way_ hotter than-"

" _Change her back to liking Fritz!_ " yelled Anna. " _Change her back to liking-_ "

"But Anna!" Suddenly, Fritz threw himself at her feet. "I- I never realized before... all that time I was trying to confess my feelings for your sister, you were with me every step of the way. You're the only one who supported me, who cared for me... Don't you see, Anna? I was never meant to be with Elsa. My _real_ love... is you."

Anna glared at the troll. "What did you _do?_ "

"Oh dear," frowned Grand Pabbie, scratching his chin. "I'm afraid instead of undoing the corrupted true love, I might have accidentally altered the polarity of-"

"My God." Eugene gazed at Sven, starry-eyed. "I didn't think it was possible for any living creature to look so _magnifi_ -"

" _CHANGE THEM BACK, CHANGE THEM BACK!_ " yelled Rapunzel.

"Alright, alright!" Grand Pabbie waved his arms, causing a second flash of light. "There. Now, Elsa, how do you feel?"

"I- I don't know." Elsa blinked again, rubbing her eyes. "But... I don't think I want to marry Fritz anymore." She smiled. "I'm back to normal!"

Suddenly, Anna burst out crying.

"Anna?" said a startled Elsa, running to her side. "What's wrong?"

" _I- I- I've made a huge mistake,_ " Anna choked out between sobs. " _I should've stayed with Hans!_ "

" _What?_ " Elsa's jaw dropped. "Anna, he tried to _murder you!_ "

" _I could've changed him!_ "

Before Elsa could say another word, Kristoff let out a wail. "How could I have ever broken up with Amethyst? Yes, she's a troll and I'm a human, but _we were in love!_ "

"I should've stayed with that Brazilian schooner pilot!" moaned Eugene.

"And I should've gotten with the ceramic unicorn guy!" added Rapunzel. "He was sensitive!"

"What have I _done_ with my life?" The priest fell to the floor, hugging his knees. "I mean, 'vow of celibacy?' What was I _thinking?_ "

Elsa gave Grand Pabbie a look. "I think you'd better cast that spell again. Just let me get back first – I haven't fallen in love with an animal or family member so far, and I'd really like to keep it that way." Once she'd backed up a safe distance, Pabbie waved his arms, enveloping the remaining group in a blinding light yet again. "There, now does everyone feel normal?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I love my wife again," said Eugene, rubbing his eyes, "so everything's probably-"

" _Whoa_." Fritz stared at him, mouth agape. "Eugene, you're so... _dreamy_." A speck of drool trickled down his chin.

"Um..." Eugene took a step back. "Hey, troll guy, maybe you should cast that spell one more time?"

"Very well." Grand Pabbie's hands started to glow.

"Oh, _Rapunzel..._ " All of a sudden, Anna glided over to her fellow princess, taking Rapunzel's hands in her own. "How come I never noticed how hot you are?"

"Not as hot as _you_ , Anna." Rapunzel stroked her hair, sending a shutter down Anna's spine. The space between the princesses' lips grew smaller... and smaller...

"Actually," said Eugene, "on second th-"

 _Flash._ The girls blinked, then drew back, looking befuddled.

"What was I doing just now?" asked Anna.

"Beats me," said Rapunzel.

"There. Everyone's back to normal." Grand Pabbie glanced up at Eugene, smiling pleasantly. "Now, what were you saying?"

"Nothing," Eugene said quickly. "I didn't say anything. It's good that you turned everyone back to normal. That's really... good of you... to do that."

"Yes, thank you, Grand Pabbie." Elsa stepped forward. "I owe you more than I can ever repay. But..." She clutched her forehead. "...my mind's all a blur right now. Could you tell me what's going on, exactly?"

"Indeed I can, Your Majesty," Grand Pabbie nodded. "The trolls possess an artifact known as the Heart of Arendelle. It is a powerful and dangerous object capable of altering the very nature of love. We trolls study the Heart, but our laws forbid us from ever using its magic, not even to try and help control your powers or heal Anna's frozen heart – The risk would have _vastly_ outweighed the reward.

"This morning, I entered the Heart's hidden chamber only to find it missing, cut out of the cavern walls. I suspect that a troll named Mossy, who was banished from our tribe for tampering with love magic, has stolen it for his own purposes..." His eyes drifted to Fritz, who looked distinctly uncomfortable. "...and I believe he had an accomplice."

Suddenly, Grand Pabbie was yelling, " _We trusted you, Fritz Herman Gudmund, and in turn you betrayed the trolls! You've put all of Arendelle in danger, you mindless fool!_ "

"You did _what?_ " Somehow, Elsa wasn't looking at Fritz with quite the same lovey-doveyness as before.

"I..." Fritz paled. "I might have... told Mossy the password to the Heart cave in exchange for a love potion."

In case it wasn't clear enough, Fritz thought Elsa was the most gorgeous thing on the face of reality. But that didn't mean she couldn't also look blood-curdlingly terrifying when she wanted to.

Fritz glanced away from her, eyes fixed on the floor, and muttered, "I, uh, I don't suppose that official pardon's still on the table?"

* * *

" _Ow!_ "

Fritz's butt hid the cold brick with an earsplitting _thud_ , but it wasn't as earsplitting as the sound of his cell door slamming shut.


	7. The Post-Wedding Blues

To be honest, ever since her ordeal with Hans, throwing people in the dungeon made Elsa feel dirty inside. She'd experienced firsthand just how cold, clammy, and impossible-to-sleep-in those holding cells could be. Elsa had even felt bad about having the far wall re-bricked – though to be fair, that partially stemmed from guilt. If she'd known what a chunk it'd take out of the royal planning budget, she would've tried to make a smaller escape-hole...

Elsa was shaken from her thoughts by the sound of sniffling. Fritz peered up at her through the bars of his cell door. With those big, watery eyes, he looking uncannily like a puppy in a kennel. Elsa had to consciously remind herself that she was furious at him.

"Do you have _any idea_ what you did?" Her voice echoed across the walls. "You betrayed the trolls, you hurt Princess Rapunzel and her husband, you embarrassed Arendelle and Corona in front of foreign diplomats, and- and you _messed around with magic!_ Don't you know how dangerous that is?" A fume of frost erupted from Elsa's palm, as if to prove her point.

Fritz shut his eyes. The way he was slumped on the floor, it looked like even lifting his head was a struggle. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty," he said faintly. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone." Slowly, his eyes re-opened to give another pleading look. "Please don't tell my momma about this. If she finds out I screwed up _again-_ "

"I- I wasn't planning on telling-" Elsa caught herself, then injected some confidence into her voice. "Well, I haven't decided what the consequences should be." Her eyes narrowed. "But I think, for starters, you need to apologize to everyone you hurt."

Fritz nodded silently.

"And if you know where Mossy is, you need to tell us so we can arrest him."

He shook his head. "I don't know where he went. I'd tell you if I did, I swear."

"Alright, alright, I believe you," said Elsa. She meant it, too. Somehow, even after everything he'd done, Fritz's voice was still sincere. Ugh, it didn't add up. Elsa just couldn't picture this sweet little kid doing something like this. "Fritz... why?"

Fritz wiped his eyes. "W-What?"

"Why'd you do it?" asked Elsa.

For a minute, the only sound in the dungeon was the occasional drip of water off of mold. Then, finally, Fritz mumbled, "Because you... you crumpled up my letter."

Elsa looked blank. "What letter?"

"Exactly!" snapped Fritz. "You don't even remember! I was just-" His voice broke. "I was so lonely, and... and no one liked me until... until I met you, and you were so nice to me, and- and I thought... maybe... if the princess could date some weird guy raised by trolls, maybe... you would..." Fritz sniffled again. "But I was too shy to say anything, so Anna told me to write you a letter, and-"

" _Oh_." Elsa gave a start. Her cheeks were growing hot, and body heat was _not_ a sensation Elsa was accustomed to. "And then I crumpled it up... right in front of you."

Fritz nodded slowly. "It's not your fault. I wasn't mad at you. I just thought I didn't have a chance with you, and I'd be lonely and miserable forever, and then Mossy found me, and- and he didn't tell me the potion would make you act all crazy, I swear!" He bowed his head. However hot Elsa's cheeks were, she had a feeling they were downright frigid compared to his. "He said it'd only make you more attracted to me, so... so you wouldn't laugh at me if I asked..." His voice trailed off.

" _Fritz_." Elsa brought a hand to the cell bar. For a panic-inducing second, the metal started to frost over, but Elsa managed to hold the ice at bay. "I'm sorry." Her face softened. "I shouldn't have thrown away your letter like that." But it hardened again just as quickly. "But that doesn't excuse what you did. Even if the potion _hadn't_ made me crazy, that'd _still_ be wrong."

"I know." Now Fritz's voice was shaking. "I was so swept up in the moment that... I didn't think of anyone... but myself."

All of a sudden, the background music started to swell, playing a slow, somber melody as Fritz half-chanted, half-sang:

" _I guess that, well..._ _maybe in_ _hindsight,_

 _This whole plan of mine was flawed a bit._

 _That'd explain the trouble that I'm now deep in._ "

He gazed up at Elsa, singing wistfully:

" _I see now... that_ _maybe in hindsight,_

 _You have the right to be furious._

 _And it makes me sad,_

 _to see how bad,_

 _I've been._ "

Fritz sighed, resting his chin on his palms.

" _Well... I let Mossy lead me astray,_

 _And I fed you some weird potion._ "

He sniffled.

" _I should have known there'd be a price to pay._ "

Another sniffle.

" _Someday..._ "

The word was echoed by that weird, antiquated voiceover chorus that always sang in the older Disney movies:

" _Someday!_ "

" _S_ _omeday..._ "

" _Someday!_ "

The next thing Elsa knew, Fritz's voice was hoarse with tears.

" _I guess that, well..._ _maybe in_ _hindsight,_

 _This whole plan of mine... was... flawed a bit._ "

He hid his face in a failed attempt to muffle his sobs.

" _I don't blame you if you now hate me for good._ "

The chorus repeated him in a bouncier, upbeat tone:

" _I don't blame you if... if you noooooooow hate me foooooor goooooooooooood!_ "

"Fritz, I-" Elsa's voice was barely audible over Fritz's hysterics. She sighed. He was just a dumb little kid with a silly crush.

When it became clear that Fritz wasn't going to stop anytime soon, Elsa mumbled, "Excuse me, I... I have other matters to attend to," then slinked away from the cell door and up the stairs, leaving Fritz to stew in a puddle of his own tears.

At the foot of the staircase, an ambush was waiting.

" _Elsa you can't throw Fritz in jail forever he's not a bad person and he loves you!_ "

Anna practically tackled Elsa, nearly sending the two of them plummeting down the stairs to break their necks.

"Anna! Anna! Calm down!" Elsa made soothing motions with her hands. "Nobody's going to jail forever. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet." She clutched her temple. "I don't want to be too harsh, but Fritz needs _some_ kind of punishment. He has to learn to _never_ mess with dangerous magic again."

Anna's lip curled into a pout. "Fritz only did it because his self-esteem's, like, in the negatives. He's hurting inside – He needs to be supported, not punished."

" _I'm_ hurting inside!" snapped Elsa. Anna wasn't the only one surprised by the outburst. Elsa blinked, bringing a palm to her chest. "I- I mean... I can't remember much after I drank the potion, but I at least remember how it felt, and..." She took a breath. "...it was so _real_. I was in love, and... to have it pulled out from under me... to learn it was all a lie..."

Anna put a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry, Elsa. If I hadn't put so much pressure on Fritz to ask you out..."

Elsa shook her head. "It's not your fault. But Anna, _now_ do you see why I don't want to date? If you and Fritz hadn't intervened, I could've..." She felt her cheeks heat up once again. "I could've really hurt Eugene."

Anna's face fell. "But your powers are under control now."

"Well... not completely." Elsa gave her a look. "Do you remember when I scalded my tongue and froze my hot chocolate to the table? Or when I got the hiccups, and every time I hiccuped, it made a little snow cloud above my head?"

"Yeah," said Anna. "What's your point?"

Elsa's face was growing redder by the second. "My powers don't always react well to... involuntary muscle spasms."

"Wha-?" It took another second for Anna to connect the dots. "Oh. _Oh_ _hhh_ _._ "

"I know you want me to be more social," said Elsa, "but I decided a long time ago that I'm never going to have a partner. It's fine – I don't really want one, anyways. The palace doesn't even admit suitors."

"Which is probably good because you'd be swamped," Anna smirked

"Darn right." Elsa smirked back. "Now come on, we'll worry about Fritz later. Right now, we need to finish cleaning up the, err, after-wedding party."

"Yeah." Anna gave her corset a tug. "Changing out of this thing's gonna be an event in itself. Wish _I_ had dress-making powers..." She shot an envious glare at Elsa's clothing, which had already morphed from "wedding gown" mode back to "ice-dress classic."

With that, the sisters made their way back to the chapel, where the guards were finally permitting the guests to leave. Some of them were relieved, though most were simply annoyed. The only partygoer who looked genuinely excited was a teenage girl with curly red locks that'd put the messiest of Anna's morning hair to shame.

"An' here I'd thought this ball was gonnae be borin'!" she said, giving her mother's sleeve an enthused tug. "Did ye see the part where 'at bampot lassie almost took off 'at ice-witch's head wit 'er fryin' pan?"

"Yes, dear," her mother said as she ushered her out the door. "Keep your voice down."

The chapel grew emptier and emptier until hardly anyone remained but the servants taking down hastily strung-up wedding decorations. However, one of the last exiting couples was stopped by Elsa.

"Princess Rapunzel, Prince Eugene!" she called out. The two of them paused and glanced back at her. "In light of everything that, err, happened today, I'm afraid we might have gotten off on the wrong foot. I don't want any ill-will between our kingdoms, so..." She put on a smile. "...could I invite you to stay another day?"

"Great idea!" said Anna. "We can hang out and stuff."

"And I was hoping we could discuss some sort of monetary compensation for the emotional damages you've been put through," added Elsa.

Rapunzel's face lit up. "Hang out?"

Eugene's face lit up. "Monetary compensation?"

"Ooh, ooh, are you any good at chess?" asked Rapunzel, grabbing Anna's arm.

"Oh, I'm only a grand master," Anna said coyly. "Turns out you can get, like, _really_ good at that game when you're locked away for years with nothing to do."

"Ohmigod, you're my soul mate. Let's be besties!"

"Yeah!"

The girls let out simultaneous squeals of delight. They were at the exact same pitch and everything. It was kind of impressive.

Eugene watched them scamper off down the castle hallway. "I'd, uh, better go make sure Rapunzel stays out of trouble." He hurried out the door after them.

Elsa watched them go. She smiled to herself, shaking her head. So long as Anna was having a good time, the ball wasn't a total bust after all.

"Well," said a voice from behind her, "looks like that guy's got a pretty good head on his shoulders when he's not brainwashed."

"Kristoff?" Elsa turned around to find the boy standing there. He'd changed out of his dress jacket into some more comfortable outdoor clothes, and in his hands was a boulder, which he managed to lift with impressive ease.

"I'm just taking Grand Pabbie here back home to keep hibernating." Kristoff nodded at the rock in his arms.

"Thank you for your help, Kristoff," Elsa said with a little bow of her head. "I owe you and your family more than I could ever repay. I just wish all those party guests hadn't had to see Grand Pabbie – I know the trolls like to stay hidden."

"Don't worry about it," shrugged Kristoff. "Grand Pabbie put a glamour charm on himself. He's just gonna kinda fade from their memories over time."

"Oh. I see." Elsa brought a hand to her stomach. Somehow, Grand Pabbie's mind-altering magic always made her uneasy. Back when they were children, the way Anna had simply... _forgotten_ about Elsa's powers...

"By the way," Kristoff suddenly said, shaking Elsa back to the present, "could you have your guards keep an eye out for Mossy? If he's got the Heart of Arendelle, he's really dangerous."

"I can do better." With a flick of her wrist, a flurry of snowflakes flew in from a nearby open window and landed on Elsa's wrist, taking the shape of a white raven. "I'll have my snowbirds scout the area." The bird cooed, preening itself with its icy beak.

"Good idea," said Kristoff. "Just come straight to the trolls if you find Mossy, okay? We don't know what he's planning with that Heart, but if he actually figures out how to use it, well..." He sighed. "Let's just say I hope he's _really_ far away from Arendelle by now."

* * *

" _Psst!_ _Fritzy_ _!_ "

"Gah!"

So apparently the boulder that'd been lying in the corner of Fritz's cell this whole time was actually a troll in disguise. Man, you'd think he'd be expecting that by now...

Mossy uncurled himself in the middle of the cell. He examined Fritz carefully, stroking his grassy goatee. "I can't help but notice you're currently sleepin' in the queen's dungeon and not her bedroom. What happened, kid? Don't tell me Grand Pabbie figured out how to break the spell."

"He- I mean, I- It- It doesn't matter!" Fritz scowled, his eyes stinging with tears. "This is your fault just as much as it's mine! You're the one who offered me that potion! And- And you _lied_ about it! You said it'd make me more attractive to Elsa, not that it'd brainwash her into a love-crazed maniac!" He pulled himself to his feet. Fritz wasn't a violent person, but right now his fists were quaking.

"What's the difference?" snorted Mossy. "Like I said, it's pretty much the same as if you were handsome or charming or rich."

"' _What's the difference?_ _'_ " Fritz let out an indignant scoff. "The difference is, if I was handsome or charming or rich, _she could still say no to me!_ "

"Oh, I see how it is." Mossy rolled his eyes. "You're one of _those_ people. The kind who's all caught up over stupid minor details like 'consent' and 'free will.'"

" _You son of a-!_ " Fritz swung his fist into Mossy's stupid face with all his might. _Crack._ The sound of bones crunching. " _Ow ow ow_ _ow ow_ _!_ "

Mossy hadn't so much as flinched. "Please, kid, what were you expectin' the potion to do, make you grow some abs?" His eyes flitted to Fritz's torso, which was about the width of a wastepaper basket. "I mean, you didn't really think the queen would ever fall in love with you _on her own_ , did you?"

Fritz stumbled backwards, clutching his misshapen hand. "I should never have listened to you! Ugh, I'm such an _idiot_..."

"Well, you're at least right about _that_ ," smirked Mossy. "C'mon, kid, you're foolin' yourself. _You_ accepted my deal – You got no one to blame but you. Look, I'll even be a good sport about this." He reached into the folds of his moss-trenchcoat and retrieved something from his pocket. Something red and glowing and... beating.

"So you _did_ steal the Heart," said Fritz. "But why-?"

"That's nothin' you gotta worry about, pal," cut in Mossy, holding the Heart up to Fritz's eyes. "All you need to know is that now that I've figured out how to harness this puppy's powers, I can make Queen Elsa fall in love with you. Not some cheap infatuation like last time, either. _Legit_ love, totally the same as if she fell for you on her own. Whattya say?" He gave the Heart an enticing wiggle.

"I... I don't..." Fritz stared at the Heart of Arendelle, watching it pulsate in the troll's mossy-covered palm. If he didn't accept the offer... he could stay locked up in jail for the rest of his life. But if he _did_ accept the offer...

Fritz shut his eyes. " _No_. True love is putting someone else's needs before your own. I love Elsa, so... if she ever falls for someone, I want it to be someone she _really_ loves. Someone who's good for her." He let out a sigh. "So... probably not me."

Mossy snorted. "Ugh, you sound like Grand Pabbie. I need his rhetoric spouted at me like I need a fourth nipple. Alright, kid, you've officially ticked me off." The Heart pulsated faster, giving off a blood red glow.

Fritz backed away, his eyes wide with terror. "W-What are you gonna do?"

"Oh, nothing." Mossy gave a wide grin. His yellow teeth were painted orange by the light. "I just figured, if you're so set on seeing the world through the queen's shoes... I'd _let_ you."

There was a fume of scarlet smoke, then a blinding flash, and when it all faded, Fritz was alone in the cell, cowering in the corner with his hands over his face.

"W-What?" He blinked a couple times. Honestly, he hadn't expected to find himself still alive. "What did he-?"

Suddenly, Fritz's eyes lolled back in their sockets. He hit the cold stone floor with a _thump_.

* * *

Elsa didn't even want to know how late it was when her head finally hit the pillow. Straightening out this whole wedding fiasco had taken an _ungodly_ amount of time.

She pulled the blankets over herself. A faint smile crossed Elsa's lips as she shut her eyes. Yes, it'd been stressful, but the day had ended with Anna making a new friend. That was all that mattered.

But then Elsa shifted on the mattress, her brow creasing. Well, yes, Anna had gained a friend, but... Elsa had lost one. What on earth had gotten into Fritz? How could he have done something like this? Had this "Mossy" person tricked him, or had Fritz known what he was doing all along? It just didn't make sense, and now, hours later, Elsa _still_ hadn't decided what to do with Fritz.

Should he be charged and imprisoned like a common criminal? No, Anna was right, he needed to be supported, not punished. But he couldn't just get off scot-free! Fritz had done something _terrible!_ Elsa's... Elsa's insides still ached every time she tried to recall her foggy memories while under the potion's thrall. And now just looking at Eugene's face was enough to make her cheeks flush. And the way all those foreign dignitaries had stared at Elsa when she'd tried to explain the truth to them, so snide and skeptical...

Elsa clinched her fists. No, Fritz was most certainly _not_ getting off scot-free. She drifted off amid half-formed plans of punishments and penalties...

* * *

Fritz yawned and rolled over on his sheets. For having fallen asleep in a prison cell, he felt surprisingly well-rested. In fact, this blanket was way more comfortable than it had the right to be. Was this silk? And why was Fritz freezing cold? And, more importantly, why was he so... unbothered by it? And was it just Fritz's imagination, or was his body... missing something?

Fritz's eyes shot open. Oh no. He knew this room. He'd memorized every inch of it, in fact, during countless hours of bodyguarding. Slowly, with growing dread, Fritz looked down at his hands. With the sunlight streaming in through the window, there was no mistaking it – They were perfectly manicured.

It took everything he had not to scream. Fritz flung out of the covers, ran to the mirror with a far more pronounced gait than he was used to, and looked at his reflection. Or rather, _her_ reflection.

* * *

Henrik rubbed his eyes. He was so stiff by now, he wasn't sure he could climb down the tree on his own. But at least the princess would be pleased – Henrik had watched all night, and he could say with absolute certainty that the royal bed had spent the entire time occupied by the queen and the queen alone.

Wait. Henrik blinked, then took another peep through the bedroom window. Why was the queen standing in front of the mirror with that weird look on her face? Was... Was she screaming? Henrik gave a start. The queen was screaming! Something was wrong! Henrik had to alert the-

Oh, hold up, it looked like the queen had suddenly grown quiet. And now she was... looking down the front of her own nightgown. Okay, weird.


	8. Freaky Frozen

Why on earth did Elsa's hand hurt so badly? And was she... shivering? Elsa never shivered!

Her eyes shot open. This was definitely _not_ her bedroom. She seemed to be slouched against the wall of a musty, dimly-lit space. The royal dungeon? What was she doing in the royal-?

Elsa's eyes fell on the far wall. The freshly-rebricked far wall. No. It couldn't be. She glanced down at herself. Elsa was stuck inside an oversized men's dress jacket, and her body was... a very, very different shape.

Elsa screamed. She didn't know what freaked her out more – the fact that she'd become a man, or the fact that the cold was bothering her. It was freezing in here! Was the cold this unpleasant for _everyone?_

"Hey," said a voice from the other side of the cell door, "what're you yellin' about? Is there a rat in there?"

Oh, thank God, one of the royal guards. Elsa just had to explain the situation to him, and then everything would get sorted out.

She opened her mouth. "I- I-" That was as much as she could manage.

"Don't hurt yourself." Through the bars of the door, the guard gave a condescending smirk. "Hope you're not expectin' _us_ to kill that rat for you. I mean, gosh, you're the queen's big, strong bodyguard. Should be _easy_ for you."

The blood pounded in Elsa's – well, Fritz's – ears. Had that guard just been rude? Elsa hadn't known guards _could_ be rude! If he'd spoken to the queen like that – at least, the queen under normal circumstances – she'd have him fired and blacklisted on the spot!

But, Elsa realized with a pang, the guard _wasn't_ speaking to the queen. He was speaking to Fritz Herman Gudmund. Elsa knew Samson had picked on him, but... did _all_ the guards treat Fritz that way? No wonder he hid in his room all the time. A mix of empathy and pity swelled up in Elsa's stomach. Poor kid. Maybe Elsa had been too-

 _Wait._ The pieces clicked together. If _she_ was in _Fritz's_ body...

* * *

If you thought the freedom to look at Elsa's bra at leisure was compensation for _any_ of this, then you _really_ didn't grasp the gravity of the situation. For the record, Fritz had done it in less of a pervy way and more of an " _I have boobs?_ " way. In fact, the only thing it'd taught him was that while in Elsa's body, he apparently couldn't feel any physical attraction to her.

It was surreal. All of a sudden, the most gorgeous thing on the planet had become mundane. Fritz supposed, when you thought about it, people weren't usually attracted to their _own_ bodies, and since he'd been abruptly thrown in here, Fritz was probably now instead attracted to... whatever it was Elsa was into.

"Your Majesty!" Fritz barely had time to tear his eyes away from himself before squadron of guards burst into the room. "Are you alright, ma'am?"

Of course, Fritz's first impulse upon seeing armed guards charge his way was to cringe and throw out his hands. A bolt of magic erupted from his palms with enough force to knock Fritz onto his disorientingly bulbous rear. Now, between the guards and the queen, there rested a wall of icicles, every last one aimed at the guards' faces.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" The sound of his own voice startled Fritz – It was just as womanly as usual, of course, but it was a bit raspier now. He tried to unfreeze the ice like he'd seen the real Elsa do a million times, but flailing his arms around only caused more icicles to sprout.

The head guard turned to his comrades. "She's lost control. Quickly! You know what to do!" The squad bolted out the room and down the hall.

Fritz backed himself against the wall, causing a layer of frost to cover it. They knew what to do? What did they know what to do? Had Elsa put some kind of procedure in place in case her powers ever went berserk again? Fritz gulped. He had a feeling getting killed in this body wouldn't send his conscience back to his original one...

But when the guards returned a minute later, they didn't have a collection of torches and pitchforks in tow. Instead, they'd brought another person with them. "She's in here, Your Highness!"

She was in drool-dampened nightgown, and her hair was such a mess, Fritz wondered how it _ever_ managed to fit into pigtails, but there was no mistaking her. Princess Anna hurried into the room, pushing her way past the icicles until she was at Fritz's side.

"Elsa?" Her eyes were wide with fear and concern. "What's going on?"

Fritz dropped to the floor, cradling his knees. "I... uh..." Okay, how could he put this in a way that didn't make him sound like a gibbering loon? "I'm not myself."

Anna looked lost. "What? Are you having, like, some weird side-effect from that love potion? Do we need to get Grand Pabbie?"

"No, no!" Fritz immediately yelped. After everything he'd done, that old troll was liable to strangle Fritz to death given half a chance.

He shut his eyes, thinking as hard as he could. If _he_ was in _Elsa's_ body, then it stood to reason that _Elsa_ was in _his_ body. Well, either that or Fritz's body was a vegetable and Elsa's consciousness was still watching from inside her head somewhere, in which case Fritz was _really_ glad he hadn't peeked under her bra. "Uh... Go get Fritz from the dungeon and bring him here."

"Why?" asked a guard.

" _Just do it!_ "

"Yes, Your Majesty..." The guards obediently ran off, leaving Anna and Fritz alone.

"Elsa, talk to me." Anna knelt down to meet his – _her?_ – eyes. "What's wrong?"

"I- It's- It's complicated," said Fritz, glancing away.

Anna didn't seem too pleased with this answer, but she didn't press the issue. "Alright. Try and hang in there, okay?" She held out her arms.

Fritz's eyes went wide. Oh no. Was she-? She _was_. Anna and Fritz proceeded to share the most awkward sibling hug in the history of awkward sibling hugs.

 _Hey,_ spoke up Fritz's subconscious, _remember the Incid-?_

 _Shut up shut up shut up!_ Fritz screamed at it.

Luckily, before there was time to dwell on things, the bedroom door flung open and the guards returned, dragging Fritz into the room. Or rather, someone who looked an awful lot like Fritz. But he couldn't actually _be_ Fritz – His posture was way too rigid, and he wasn't biting his own nails.

"Uh, thanks, guys," the real Fritz said lamely. "You can go now."

The guards looked more than a little confused, but they didn't question the order. Now there was no one in the bedroom but Elsa (in Fritz's body) standing in front of the door, Fritz (in Elsa's body) huddled against the wall, and Anna (in Anna's body) sitting beside him.

Elsa frowned at the growing number of icicles on the carpet. "Alright, it seems clear that-" Just then, her eyes landed on Fritz's – or rather, her own – face, and her voice trailed off. She spent several long seconds staring.

"Um," said Fritz, "what are y-?"

"I'm _beautiful,_ " Elsa said breathlessly. "Why didn't anybody ever tell me?"

" _What?_ " Anna looked back and forth from Fritz to Elsa, her jaw hanging open.

It was apparently taking everything Elsa had not to devour Fritz with her eyes. Had... Had Fritz always been that creepy? Seeing it from the outside, his body looked like it belonged to a particularly skinny twelve-year-old.

Just before she started drooling, Elsa shook herself out of it. "Whoa, that was odd. I don't know what came over me." She clutched her forehead. "Look, Fritz, please tell me you know what's going on."

" _Fritz?_ " Anna pointed a trembling finger at Elsa. "But- But _you're_ Fritz!"

"I... I _do_ know what's going on," said Fritz.

"Good. Then you'd better explain yourself." All of a sudden, Elsa contorted Fritz's face into a far more formidable expression than he'd thought he was capable of. "And if I find out you did this on purpose for some depraved reason-"

"It wasn't me!" yelped Fritz. "It was Mossy! He came back to brainwash you into loving me again, but I told him I'd learned my lesson and I wasn't gonna side with him and stuff, and then he got mad and body-swapped us with the Heart's magic!" Fritz huddled closer to Anna, another layer of icicles forming around them. Despite not actually being his sister, Fritz found Anna's presence a comfort.

"Wait a minute." So Anna, of course, immediately threw him off of her. "Let me get this straight. _You_ -" She pointed to Fritz. "-are Fritz in Elsa's body, and _you_ -" She pointed to Elsa "-are Elsa in Fritz's body."

They both nodded.

Anna's face grew so red that for a second, Fritz was seriously worried her head was about to explode. The next second, she was doubled over on the floor.

" _Anna!_ " Elsa ran to her side, looking as concerned as she did annoyed.

" _This is the best thing ever!_ " Anna's ribcage was shaking with alarming fervor.

Elsa scowled at her. "It's not funny, Anna. Fritz can't control my powers! If he gets too upset, he could make another eternal winter!"

" _I could?_ " Of course, the instant the thought registered in Fritz's brain, the room started filling with snow.

"Calm down, calm down!" Elsa immediately pushed her way through the icicles and brought her hands to his shoulders. "Everything's going to be fine." She started gently massaging them. "Just breathe."

The shoulder rub _did_ help, actually. After a little bit, the indoor snowstorm died down. Phew, they weren't in for eternal winter round two after all. Fritz supposed being trapped in a woman's body just wasn't as emotionally distressing as-

 _W_ _ait._ A thought struck Fritz like a bolt of lightning to his stomach. Right now, it was taking all his willpower too keep the ice from erupting out his bare hands, and even then, the breath of everyone in the bedroom was clearly visible. Is this what Elsa had put up with _her entire life?_ No way. Fritz had known she'd had trouble controlling her powers, but he hadn't realized it'd felt like... _this_.

"Alright, alright." Anna took some deep breaths. "I'm done. Sorry, I know this is serious. Fritz has had, like, zero training with your magic." She made a more solemn face. "He could really hurt someone... _but at least he_ _finally_ _gets to be_ _inside you!_ " For about two seconds. " _Ah h_ _a ha ha ha ha ha-_ " Anna doubled back onto the floor.

Elsa rolled her eyes. "Don't be gauche, Anna."

"Um, Elsa..." Fritz shifted in place. He could feel his cheeks growing hot – which was still _way_ below a regular person's body temperature. "You can stop massaging my shoulders now."

"Oh, right! Sorry!" Elsa immediately drew her hands away. "They're just so... _soft_." She gazed at them wistfully.

"Alright, I'm – _ha ha ha ha_ – I'm done." Finally, Anna managed to pull herself to her feet and form a coherent sentence. "I'm done laughing." She stared at them in silence for a moment. " _Ohmigod I need to show you two to Rapunzel!_ _She'll die!_ "

" _No!_ " Elsa and Fritz yelled in unison.

"Okay, okay, sheesh." Anna folded her arms. "You guys are no fun..."

"We can't tell anyone about this," said Elsa. "My reputation was sullied enough from the love potion ordeal. And we're _not_ -" She gave Fritz a pointed look. "-going to do anything with our current bodies that the bodies' real owners wouldn't want us to."

"But, um..." Fritz's eyes met the floor, his cheeks reddening.

Elsa's brow creased. "What?"

"What if one of us has to..." Fritz glanced away, then muttered, "... _use the bathroom?_ "

"Hold it in," said Elsa.

"But-"

" _Hold. It. In._ "

Fritz bowed his head. "Yes, Your Majesty."

"Alright, alright." Anna let out a heavy sigh. "Well, if you're both so embarrassed that you don't want to tell anyone about this, how do you plan on changing back?"

"We'll have to go get Grand Pabbie again," said Elsa, rising to her feet. "In fact, at this rate, we probably ought to just keep him at the castle until Mossy's stopped." She turned to Anna. "But Kristoff's not back yet. Do you know the way to the Valley yourself?"

"Hmm... No, I don't think- Oh yeah!" Suddenly, Anna's face lit up. "Kristoff drew me a map once. Be right back!" She scurried out the door, leaving Fritz and Elsa behind in the bedroom.

Elsa turned to Fritz, who was still cowering against the wall, his circle of icicles growing gradually larger. "Looks like it's just you and me." She wet her lips.

"Um..." Fritz shrank. "Hey, Elsa, not to be rude, but, err, you're acting kind of... _off_. You don't think Mossy put another love spell on you, did he?"

Elsa laughed, then took a step towards him. "I don't think so. I'm just not used to all your teenage boy hormones." There was that look again, like her eyes were eating up every inch of Fritz's – or rather, her own – face. "I'm so gorgeous, though. I can't get over it." Her – or rather, Fritz's – cheeks had grown bright crimson. Honestly, Fritz wished his face could look a bit less boyish, but still... the way it was gazing at him. It wasn't attractive, exactly, but Fritz was definitely getting butterflies in his – err, Elsa's – stomach. Man, this was confusing...

"Have you _always_ felt this way?" Elsa fluttered her eyelashes, but seeing as she was currently male, it didn't have quite the desired effect. "How do you not spend every waking moment of your life fawning over me?"

"Well..."

Suddenly, Elsa pushed her way past the icicles. She knelt down to meet Fritz's eyes, then put her hands on the far wall, pinning him. "Hey, Fritz?"

"Y-Yeah?" Fritz flinched – His sweat was freezing to his skin. Apparently, the hotter he got, the colder he got.

"I know this is just the hormones talking..." The gap between their faces was shrinking. "...but would it be too forward of me to-?"

She was cut off by a deafening explosion.

" _What was that?_ " Elsa dropped everything and ran to the bedroom window. Honestly, Fritz wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

But the next second, Fritz looked out the window himself and realized he had more important things worry about. Wacky romantic antics generally don't take priority over a mushroom cloud of dark magic swirling over the horizon.

"W-What?"

Before they had time to react, the cloud burst open, shooting towards the castle island like a big, black tornado. Fritz and Elsa hardly had time to brace themselves before the whole world went black...

...but when it came back into focus, nothing had changed.

Fritz blinked. "Um, what just-?"

" _Anna!_ " Elsa bolted out the door. Fritz ran after her, only to immediately find his face squished against the rug. Oh yeah. He was wearing heels.

There was a frantic search of Anna's bedroom, but it was empty. Elsa ended up running downstairs to the castle entrance hall, Fritz trailing behind her. He only face-planted five or six more times before reaching the bottom step.

" _Did everyone see that wave?_ " Elsa yelled at the top of her lungs, but her voice was drowned out.

Quite a large crowd had gathered before the palace doors, and not a single one of them looked particularly happy. There were maids pulling each other's hair, guards jousting with their spears, and even cooks battling with frying pans – Apparently inspired by last night's debacle.

At one end of the mob, Rapunzel had raised her own pan high, shrieking, " _I want a divorce! I want a divorce!_ "

"Fine by me!" Eugene yelled from the other end. "I hate you! I hate everything! _Grrrrrraaaaaagh!_ "

Nearby, Olaf was hopping towards one of the maids by his torso, pointing an accusing twig-arm. "I bet _you_ stole my butt last night! Admit it! Admit it!"

"I'll never give it back!" the maid cackled. "It's mine, all mine! Mwah ha ha ha ha!"

Near the front doors, Kristoff and Sven had apparently returned to the castle just in time to get a faceful of black magic.

"I was lying before!" screamed Kristoff. "Reindeer _aren't_ better than people! In fact, they're- they're _worse_ than people!"

Then he did the goofy Sven-voice in that weird little ventriloquism attempt of his: " _Oh yeah? Well I've always thought th_ _at_ reindeer _smelled better than_ people!"

Kristoff gasped. "You take that back!"

"Kristoff!" spoke up Elsa, her jaw hanging open. "What on earth are you doing? Sven can't actually talk. You're only arguing with yourself!"

Kristoff spun towards her, snarling. " _Don't you judge me!_ "

"Hey, look, everyone!" yelled a random mob member. "It's the queen and her dumb bodyguard!"

"She's the one who nearly froze us all to death!" yelled another.

"Yeah!" added another. "And that bodyguard is highly unqualified for his position!"

"Let's get 'em!"

The mob took a collective step forward.

"N-Now wait just a minute!" Elsa and Fritz took a collective step back. "You can't really-"

" _Stop_ _!_ " A voice rang out over the mob. Every head turned towards a certain redhead.

"Oh, Anna, thank goodness." Elsa let out a sigh of relief. "Please tell me you're not-"

"There's something you guys should know," said Anna, pushing her way to the head of the mob. She pointed a finger at Elsa and Fritz. "Those two magically swapped places! Fritz is in Elsa's body and Elsa's in Fritz's body!"

"Well, we're going to beat both of them up anyways, so it doesn't really matter," said a mob member.

"Oh yeah, good point."

The mob took another step forward.

"W-What's happened to everyone?" Elsa huddled closer to Fritz. He wasn't sure he was comfortable with her head being so near his chest, but seeing as they were about to die painfully, he supposed he'd let it slide. "Did Mossy do this? Why aren't _we_ affected?"

"I- I don't know." Fritz's mind was racing. Why would Mossy make the Heart do something like this? It was like Arendelle was... ripping itself apart from pure hatred for Mossy's amusement. Oh.

No sooner had the thought clicked in Fritz's mind than the mob started to chant:

" _Draining the love,_ _d_ _raining the love,_ _d_ _raining the love,_ _d_ _raining the love..._ "

There was nothing Fritz could hug Elsa tighter as the crowd closed in on them.

" _Draining the love,_ _d_ _raining the love,_ _d_ _raining the love,_ _d_ _raining the love..._ "

When his palms brushed against her, Elsa shivered. Oh, right, Fritz still had her ice powers. But... he couldn't control them the way Elsa could. If Fritz used them right now, all these people could be hurt!

" _The magic Heart is spreading hatred-_ "

"- _Draining the love, draining the love, draining the love, draining the love-_ "

"- _All through_ _out_ _poor_ _Arendelle._ "

On the other hand, if Fritz and Elsa died, these people _could_ spend the rest of their lives as extremely hateful zombies...

The mob was mere feet away from the foot of the stairs now, chanting with alarming speed:

" _I send enchantments of evil,_

 _Over your_ _moms_ _, over your sons,_

 _Over your_ _dads_ _, over your_ _dogs._

 _I cast this curse on everyone!_

 _To make you weak! To make you shriek!_

 _To_ _make your fists clench as you shake._

 _Won't make you nice, won't make you meek._

 _You're going to_ _scream,_ _you're going to_ _quake!_

 _I! Send! This! Curse! Down! From! A-bove!_

 _Draining the love._ "

And at the head of the mob was Anna, giving Elsa a look Fritz had thought he'd see Anna giving her.

" _Once I called you sister._

 _Once I thought the chance to sing duets,_

 _Was all I ever wanted._ "

" _I send the harsh truths you must hear!_

 _I say what all are thinking now!_ "

Anna brought her hands to her ears.

" _It's_ _even now,_

 _Stuck in my head l_ _ike a big blister._

 _You just_ _do_ _not_ _know how_ _old it gets_ _._

 _By your dumb song, I am_ _haunted!_ "

" _We think your song is overdone!_

 _We all agree, all over town!_ "

She threw her hands in the air.

" _So many songs!_

 _All these songs no one remembers._

 _Well, it's 'bout time that you knew,_

 _The people who sing our soundtrack_

 _Include more than just lone you!_ "

The crowd stomped their feet in agreement, chanting:

" _I send_ _my spells of deepest dark,_

 _To fill the blackness in your hearts,_

 _On every child, on every spouse,_

 _Until_ _you tear yourselves apart!_

 _You're!_ _G_ _oing!_ _T_ _o!_ _S_ _hake_ _!_ _Y_ _ou're!_ _G_ _oing!_ _T_ _o!_ _S_ _hove!_

 _Draining the love._ "

Anna outstretched a hand, accepting a frying pan from Rapunzel.

" _You_ _who I called sister,_

 _It's time someone dissed_ _your_ _huge ego_."

" _You're!_ _G_ _oing!_ _T_ _o!_ _S_ _hake_ _!_ _Y_ _ou're!_ _G_ _oing!_ _T_ _o!_ _S_ _hove!_ "

Anna held the pan up menacingly, took a breath, then bellowed:

" _I hate Let It Go_ _ooooooooo_ _!_ "

" _Draining the love._ "

" _Draining the loooooooooove!_ "

Elsa brought a hand to her heart, her eyes wide and watering. "I- I know you don't mean that, Anna," she said faintly. "The Heart's just making you say hurtful things."

Anna let out an indignant laugh, then sang:

" _You who I called sister,_

 _Why's it always_ _on the radio?_

 _By this song I'm haunted!_ "

" _I!_ _S_ _end!_ _T_ _his!_ _C_ _urse!_ _D_ _own!_ _From!_ _A-b_ _ove!_ "

" _And this prob-ly is petty,_

 _But_ _why do I not_ _sing the big_ _solo?_

 _I'm the main hero!_

 _And that is why –_ _I._ _H_ _a_ _aaaa_ _te. L_ _eeeeeee_ _et. I_ _iiiiiiii_ _t. Go!_ "

Fritz and Elsa spun around, but the palace servants were blocking them from the head of the stairs. They were surrounded.

" _Draining the love._ "

" _Draining the love!_ "

If... If Fritz didn't unleash Elsa's magic right this second... Anna was going to hit them with that frying pan. And something told Fritz it'd be hard enough to give them more than just a concussion this time.

" _I_ _always..._

 _Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill haaaaaaaaaaaaaate Leeeeeeeeeeet Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_ "

* * *

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ **I had the idea for the whole "a magic wave makes everyone hateful" plotline in my head way before** ** _Once Upon a Time_ did it. So really, when you think about it, _they_ copied off _me_.**


	9. Someone Else's Needs

Was this how Elsa had felt on coronation night? While Fritz had been sitting on his butt, guarding reindeer, and drowning in his own self-pity, had Elsa been staring down a mob like this one? A whole horde of people glaring at her with loathing and fear and hatred burning in their eyes? Had her hands trembled like this? Had it taken every last ounce of her willpower to keep from freezing the whole mob to death on the spot?

Of course, back then, Elsa had had the option of running away, whereas right now, Fritz was backed up against the wall, the angry mob closing in around him and Elsa, who, as you might remember, was in Fritz's body and vice-versa.

At the head of the mob, the brainwashed Anna held up her frying pan, preparing to swing. Fritz winced. That pan was forged from military-grade industrial-strength steel, the finest in Coronian weaponry. It was funny – Fritz had spent the vast majority of his life positive it'd end with his heart impaled on a reindeer's antlers, but now, he almost wished he was back with the herders. At least there, Fritz had never even had a glimmer of hope that he wasn't a failure. Had never had any expectations to fall short of.

Fritz shut his eyes. He was about to spend his last few precious seconds of life holding his beloved Elsa tight...

But then a voice cried out, "Wait, wait! Stop! What are you doing?" Fritz blinked in surprise. It was... was... that one brunette princess with the incomprehensible name! She was grabbing Anna's arm, frantically trying to wrench the pan from her fellow princess's grasp. "What was _I_ doing? Why'd I give you my frying pan? What's going on?"

"Rapunzel?" Elsa looked just as baffled as Fritz, but she knew an opportunity when she saw one. She nudged him and said in a harsh whisper, " _Quick! While they're distracted!_ "

"W-Wha-?" Fritz's head spun towards the mob. They were indeed totally distracted by the ensuing princess catfight. Anna had even yanked off one of Rapunzel's sleeves while Rapunzel was busy pulling her hair. No brainwashed angry mob could resist the siren song of a princess's bare shoulder.

Fritz turned back to Elsa. "What do you want me to do?"

"There!" Elsa pointed to a window a couple feet above them. "Make an ice-ladder!"

"O-Okay!" Fritz held out his hands, the ice already jumping out his fingertips. "I've never tried to make shapes before, but how hard could it-?"

Crash. When the cloud of frost and dust settled down, there was a big, triangular ramp of snow smashing a hole clean through the window.

"Close enough," said Elsa.

Now all that was left was to run for dear life, which, as luck would have it, was the one skill all those years of reindeer herding had actually taught Fritz. Not a moment later, he, Elsa, and Rapunzel were tumbling out the other side of the window, doing their best to avoid all the broken glass.

"There!" With another wave of his hands, Fritz conjured up a wall of ice to bisect the courtyard, leaving him, Elsa, and Rapunzel on one side and the castle and horde of hate-zombies on the other.

"Alright, alright-" Elsa slouched against the ice-wall, panting. "-we made it outside. Now all we have to do is get to the stables, grab some horses, and then find Grand Pabbie and hope he can-"

"Hold up a minute!" cut in Rapunzel, hands on her hips. "Maybe I'm just slow, but _what the heck is going on here?_ First an eternal winter, then a love potion, and now everybody in the castle goes crazy? Is Arendelle _always_ bananas, or have I just been visiting on bad days?"

Elsa let out a weary sigh. "This has to be the work of that troll we told you about. It's the same magic that affected your husband and me last night." She looked up at Rapunzel, cocking her eyebrows. "But why aren't _you_ affected?"

"Oh, trust me, I am." Suddenly, a twisted scowl overtook Rapunzel's face. "I can't believe I married _Eugene_ of all people. What was I thinking? I could do so much better!" She looked dangerously close to popping a blood vessel. "But I'm not mad at you two." Like flipping a switch, her face returned to its usual calm. "I think whatever spell that troll cast on everyone, it only affects people who love each other." She nodded to a pair of guards nearby, who seemed too preoccupied screaming at each other to notice them.

" _That_ _is IT_ _, Morten!_ _I never want to_ _speak to_ _you again!_ "

" _Fine by me, Henrik!_ _We're OVER, y'hear me? OVER!_ "

Rapunzel turned to Fritz. "No offense, Your Majesty, but I don't know you that well. I'm not your sister or one of your subjects or anything. I don't love _or_ hate you. I feel, y'know, neutral, so when I looked at you, I guess I managed to shrug the spell off."

"Oh." Fritz's cheeks reddened. "I, uh, I'm not actually Queen Elsa."

"Queen Elsa!" Suddenly, a snowbird landed on the cobblestone before Fritz. "We've located Mossy as you asked, ma'am. He's at the royal cemetery, which also seems to be where that wave of black magic originated from. Luckily, most of your birds were high enough in the air to evade it."

"What?" The real Elsa blinked in surprise. "The cemetery? Why would Mossy go there?"

The snowbird turned to her. "I don't know, small child."

"Huh?" Elsa laughed, startled. "Oh, no, I'm actually Elsa. Mossy's magic made Fritz and me swap bodies."

The bird stared at her with its glassy, unblinking ice-eyes. "That's weird. I'm leaving." It fluttered off without another word.

"Yeah, Anna said that, too," spoke up Rapunzel. "What exactly happened to you guys-?"

"That's not important right now," cut in Elsa. "Change of plans – We're going to the cemetery. If we can get to Mossy soon enough, we might be able to stop his hate-spell from spreading too far."

"Sounds good to me." Rapunzel started to walk towards the center of the courtyard. "Which way's the stables?"

"Sorry." But Elsa blocked her path. "You can't come with us, Rapunzel. It's too dangerous."

Rapunzel's brow creased. "I can handle myself."

Elsa shook her head. "This is _our_ responsibility." She gestured to herself and Fritz. "I don't want anybody else hurt. You should go hide until this blows over."

"Alright, alright." Rapunzel sighed and turned away, bowing her head. "I get it."

"Good. Now come on, Fritz." And with that, the body-swapped duo ran off.

Rapunzel watched them run across the courtyard until they vanished from sight. For a minute, she stood by herself in silence.

"I'm totally sneaking after them."

* * *

A gray horse galloped across the fjords, leaving a trail of frost in the grass behind it. On the saddle, Fritz hugged himself, huddling closer to Elsa at the reigns. Fritz wasn't exactly used to wearing a dress, and riding horseback over a bumpy road _really_ wasn't helping matters.

Fritz's eyes wandered towards the sky, which was a tinge more blood red and crackling with magical storm clouds than he would've liked. "D-Do you think we can take Mossy on our own?"

"No," said Elsa from the front of the saddle, her eyes fixed on the road ahead. "I don't have any magic while I'm trapped in your body. It's up to you. You'll have to freeze Mossy's fingers or something so we can wrestle the Heart from him."

"I- I think I can do that..." Fritz swallowed. He'd never done a single competent thing in his life, but surely, when it really counted, he could manage this, right? Right? "Hey, Elsa?" Fritz shut his eyes. "If it's really all up to me... you don't have to come. I mean, you said it yourself, this is dangerous. You should go hide with Rapunzel."

Elsa shook her head. "I'm the queen. I have a responsibility to protect my people." For the briefest of moments, she glanced back at Fritz. "Even you." Well, she didn't sound _quite_ as disdainful as she could've, so that was a plus.

Fritz hugged himself tighter. Behind them, the trail of ice was growing thicker. "Queen Elsa, I'm..." His voice shook in spite of himself. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Is... Is there anything I can do to- to make you forgive me?"

For a second, Fritz thought Elsa might turn around again, but she didn't. The only noise for the rest of the ride was the clomping of hooves.

Fritz stared at his hands, which were still fuming with frost. Dang. Even without her powers, Elsa could still be ice cold.

* * *

Fritz had never been to the royal cemetery before, but judging from the circle of gravestones, the flowers lying atop said gravestones, and the evil troll standing in the center with a pulsating human heart in his hands, he figured this must be it.

"Mossy!" Elsa dismounted and ran towards the troll. "Drop the Heart!"

Mossy's head shot towards her, a great big smile on his face. He was standing in front of the two head gravestones, which had some runes carved on them. Hmm, Fritz had studied those during his laughably brief attempt at higher education. He was a bit rusty when it came to ancient Norse, but Fritz thought the stones read "Agðar" and "Iðunn." Or, uh, maybe it was "Agdar" and "Idun." Or "Agnarr" and "Iduna." Well, okay, he couldn't pin down the exact spelling, but it was something along those lines.

Fritz dismounted the palace horse – which wasn't as easy as it sounded when you're wearing a dress and heels – then hurried after Elsa. The royal cemetery was, apparently, housed at the top of a dizzying cliffside. Just glancing at the abyss behind Mossy's feet was enough to make Fritz's head spin.

"What are you doing here, Mossy?" yelled Elsa.

"Oh my God." Fritz's eyes went wide. "What if the Heart can bring people back from the dead? What if he's turning the old king and queen into zombies?"

Elsa gave him a dry stare.

"What?"

"I hope those zombies know how to swim," Elsa deadpanned.

Fritz went pale. "Oh. Right. Sorry."

"Why shouldn't I come here?" spoke up Mossy, tossing the Heart up and down in his hand like a ball. "After all, this thingy's powers are strongest on the spot where it was created."

Fritz looked lost. "This is where the Heart was created? You mean that Arendelle prince from the story was killed... in a graveyard?"

"Other way around," said Elsa. "The cemetery was started on the spot where he died." She gestured to one of the more ornate tombstones, which towered over the others.

"Of course-" Mossy nodded to Fritz. "-you oughtta know that, bein' the queen and all." He snickered. "Good to see my little body-swappin' spell was such a success. Too bad you couldn't be affected by the hate-spell, too, but these things don't stack. One spell at a time, y'know?"

Elsa scowled at him. "Why are you doing this, Mossy? What have the people of Arendelle ever done to you?"

"What've they done to me? Are you kiddin'?" Mossy let out an indignant laugh. "Just look at me, toots! I'm the stupidest, ugliest troll in the whole darn kingdom!" He gestured to the unseemly moss covering his rocky body. "All my life, I was nothin' to the other trolls but some moron who kept screwin' up, and I'm sick of it!" He hoisted the Heart over his head, causing it to let off a blood red glow. "Well, guess what? If the _world_ screwed _me_ over, then _I_ _'ll_ screw the _wor_ _l_ _d_ over! It's time I get what I'm owed."

"That's messed up!" yelled Fritz, pointing an accusing finger. "Just because you've had a bad life doesn't give you the right to do whatever you want to people!"

Mossy rolled his eyes. "That means a whole lot comin' from _you_ , kid. We're practically the same person, you an' me."

This was the part where Fritz should've yelled something cool and dramatic like, "We're nothing alike!" But instead, he found himself cowering behind Elsa, droplets of ice forming at his heels. "But... But I never wanted to hurt anyone..."

"True, true," Mossy nodded. "That is one difference between us – I got way more of a spine than you." He held out the Heart. "But that's about to change."

"Wait." Elsa's eyes widened. "Fritz, quick, freeze him before-"

Too late. There was a blinding flash of red, then a sound like a rubber band snapping. As soon as the world stopped spinning, Fritz looked down at his hands. They weren't perfectly manicured anymore!

Across from him, Elsa was standing where Fritz had been standing mere seconds ago, and she'd made her triumphant return to womanhood. The moment she collected herself, all her ice seemed to swirl around Elsa's feet joyously, like a dog when its owner walks in the door.

"We- We're back to normal?" Elsa ran a hand through her long, unbraided hair, as if making sure Fritz hadn't ruined it somehow.

Fritz stared at Elsa, watching, transfixed, as her hair glimmered in the daylight. Whoa. How had he ever thought the most gorgeous thing on the planet could look mundane? Fritz would've kept staring at her for another few hours, but the maniacal laughter of a power-crazed troll distracted him.

"There we go." The Heart in Mossy's hands was glowing even brighter now. "Now that you two little lovebirds are back in your original bodies, you're just as vulnerable to the hate-plague as anyone else." It started pulsating faster and faster. "Now, who wants to be the first to get a healthy dose o' hatred?"

"M-Mossy, wait-!" Fritz tried to run, but it was too late. The magic hit him like a punch to the gut. Fritz found himself stumbling backwards, clutching his chest.

" _Fritz!_ "

"E-Elsa-?" Fritz stared at her. Huh, the magic must not have done anything. Elsa was as breathtakingly pretty as ever. Fritz could never hate a face like that.

But... actually... now that he thought about it... It wasn't fair! Fritz had poured his heart out for her. He'd been her faithful bodyguard. He'd written the most poignant love letter ever crafted for her. And how had Elsa repaid him? By crumbling it up and then throwing Fritz in the dungeon thanks to some baseless accusations about brainwashing her with a love potion!

"Fritz?" Elsa held out her hands. "Fritz, listen to me! The Heart's altering your mind! You have to fight it!"

Frtiz stepped towards her. He could feel his entire body quivering. That was the last straw. Fritz was done being pushed around. And if Elsa didn't want him, then Fritz would just get even with her by... by punching her! Really hard! With his fists! That'd teach her!

"Fritz, I don't want to have to freeze you, but-"

Elsa was cut off by more of Mossy's hideous laughter. He sneered at her, leaning against a tombstone. "Fritz can't hear you no more, toots. He's been hit by the hate-spell, and in a second, you will be, too."

Elsa backed away, but Fritz was closing the gap between them at an alarming rate. "You think this will make you feel better about yourself, Mossy? All you're doing is hurting people. That doesn't prove anything."

Mossy merely laughed. "Tell me, queeny, do you know the Heart of Arendelle's tragic backstory?"

"Yes," Elsa said tightly. "Grand Pabbie told me last night."

"Well, I bet he left out the ending." Mossy shook his head. "The other trolls don't like to talk about it. Guess they want to keep things all saccharine."

Elsa's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"

Mossy laughed harder. "You wanna know what _really_ happened at the end of the story? After the prince died to protect the princess and all that?" He shut his eyes, and for a moment, his smirk vanished. "As she cradled her lover's body, watching the life slowly drain from his eyes... the princess _laughed_. She laughed and laughed and laughed. See, the princess had only pretended to love the prince as part of an elaborate scheme to get Arendelle's throne. Dude got himself killed over a lie."

Elsa clenched her fist. "So what? The prince didn't know that – He died believing she loved him. It was still an act of true love."

"Yeah, but what does that say about him?" scoffed Mossy. "Maybe all this 'true love' claptrap's less about bein' brave or noble or whatever and more about bein' stupid! The prince, the princess, _all_ you lovey dovey palookas, you're all losers!" He pointed to the brainwashed Fritz, who had a fist in the air, ready to swing. "And Fritz is the biggest loser of 'em all! He doesn't love you! He only wants to prove he's better than everyone, just like me! He's no better than that princess!"

"I..." Fritz tensed his muscles, his fist like a coiled-up spring fixing to pounce. "I..." He gazed into Elsa's wide, fearful eyes. "...am _not_ a loser!"

His fist fell, and Elsa readied her ice... but at the last second, Fritz spun around and delivered a blow right to Mossy's kisser. His face was made of pure stone, of course, but it was at least enough to distract Mossy long enough for Fritz to wrench the Heart of Arendelle from his grubby little hands.

"Hey, what the-? Quit it, kid!" Mossy yelped, falling onto his butt in shock. "You're supposed to hate her, not me!"

"Could a loser do _this?_ " Before Mossy had time to react, Fritz threw the Heart onto the grass and stomped. His boot smashed into it over and over until the Heart was nothing but an incredibly gross pile of mush.

For a second, Mossy's jaw dropped, but his shock was quickly replaced with smugness. "Ha! You screwed up again, Fritzy! Without the Heart, no one can turn back to normal! The hate-plague's gonna last forever now!" He cackled to himself.

" _What?_ " Both Elsa and Fritz cried out in horror.

"Guess that means there's only one person in all o' Arendelle who didn't get hate-ified..." As he spoke, Mossy reached into the folds of his moss coat. "... _but I got a fix for that!_ "

Suddenly, Mossy was hurtling through the air towards Elsa, and in his hand was a long, jagged, rusty knife.

" _Elsa, look out!_ "

The next few seconds happened so fast, not even Fritz was sure what happened. All he knew was... Elsa was in danger, and she was way too pretty and smart and kind to have her gorgeous body all bloodied. Without thinking, Fritz dived in the way, pushing his beloved to the grass. There was a _snickt_ , and then Mossy went "What the-? Agh!" as his foot slipped on a puddle of blood that'd splattered onto a smooth rock in the grass.

" _Mossy!_ " By the time Fritz tried to grab him, Mossy was already tumbling off the edge of the cliff. Elsa shrieked and conjured up an ice-net between one cliffside and the other, but it was too late. Mossy had already hit the ground below with a sickening _snap_.

Fritz stared down the cliff. Necks weren't supposed to bend that way, were they? Oh God. Had Fritz just killed a man – or, err, troll? No, no, it hadn't been Fritz's fault. Mossy had slipped on that... big puddle of blood at Fritz's feet. Wait a minute.

Slowly, not even daring to breathe, Fritz looked down at himself. Sticking out his chest, right above the heart, was a rusty knife handle. It took Fritz's brain another second to remember that, oh yeah, getting stabbed tended to hurt. And not the "stub your toe" kind of hurt, either.

" _Aaaagh!_ " The next thing he knew, Fritz had collapsed into Elsa's arms. She was beautiful as ever, of course, but had Elsa always been this... blurry?

"Fritz! Fritz! Just breathe!" _Elsa_ was the one who needed to breathe. She was practically hyperventilating. "You're- You're going to be okay." She brought a palm to his chest, sealing the wound with ice.

That stopped the bleeding. At least... the bleeding on the _outside_. With every pounding of Fritz's pulse, the pain grew worse. "Elsa, I... I think he hit my heart."

" _No_." Elsa's breaths were growing ragged. " _No no no no no._ I can- I can get you to Grand Pabbie. Come on." She tried to heave Fritz onto his feet, but the instant he stepped towards their horse, he toppled back to the ground.

"Elsa, I... I don't think I-" Fritz coughed into his fist. Eww, he'd spit up muc- Wait, hold up, was mucus supposed to be this red?

"F- Fritz..." Elsa looked like she'd seen a ghost. She tried to say another word, but her voice was shaking too much. Finally, she dropped to the grass and resigned herself to cradling Fritz in her arms. "I- I can't do this." Her eyes fell on a certain pair of gravestones. "Not again. I..."

Fritz managed to bring a palm to her cheek. "Hey, Elsa? It's... It's okay. This is what I signed up for. I'm your..." He coughed again. "...your bodyguard, remember?" He laughed softly, but the humor quickly faded. "Elsa, I'm... so sorry... for everything."

"Fritz, no!" Elsa squeezed his hand. "I'm the one who should be sorry. This is _my_ fault. I... shouldn't have... crumpled up your letter." Fritz shivered. It was getting so cold, the tears were freezing to Elsa's cheeks. "Do... Do you remember what it... s-said?"

Fritz nodded feebly, then said, his voice barely audible, "Yeah. It said... 'Dear Queen Elsa, meeting you... changed my life. Before I met you, I thought I was... worthless, but... even after everything you've been through, you're... kind and caring and... h-humble."

" _Fritz_." Elsa's voice was barely a whisper.

Fritz's grip on her hand was weakening. "You showed me that... even when bad things happen, I can still be... happy. I don't have to be a loser. That's why I... I love you."

"Fritz..." Elsa wiped her eyes. "I-" She gave a start. Fritz's chest was... _glowing_. "What in the-?"

"I... I think I..." Fritz took a breath, steadying himself. "I think I made a new Heart of Arendelle. Act of true love and all that. You've gotta b-" He coughed again. "-bring that to Grand Pabbie so he can... fix everyone."

"Okay." Elsa nodded feebly. "I will. I promise." She flinched as a couple snowflakes had landed in her hair. There was a flurry coming down. "No! My powers!" Elsa held Fritz tighter. "I'm sorry. I'm... sorry... I..."

" _Calm yourself... my Queen... Elsa._

 _It's time for... me to go._

 _A little fall of_ _snow..._ _can hardly hurt me now._ "

He smiled at her.

" _You're here..._ _T_ _hat's all I need to know._ "

Despite his incredibly heavy internal bleeding, Fritz was bringing down the house with a total showstopper, accompanied by background music that was even slower and sappier than usual:

" _And you will keep me safe._

 _And you will keep me close._

 _And_ _snow_ _will make_ _your features... glow_ _._ "

Elsa hugged him tight as she sang out:

" _But you will live! Your end... won't be tragic!_

 _If I could close your wounds with my magic!_ "

Fritz shook his head. His hand was already bright red from clutching his chest.

" _Just hold me now and let it be._

 _Shelter me, comfort me._

 _Calm yourself... my Queen... Elsa_.

 _It's time for me to go._ "

Then, together, the two of them sang:

" _A little fall of_ _snow_ _can hardly hurt me now._ "

" _I'm here,_ " Elsa said, trembling.

Fritz nodded.

" _That's all I need to know._

 _And you will keep me safe_ -"

" _And I will stay with you_ -"

"- _And you will keep me close_."

"- _Till you are sleeping_."

" _And_ _snow_ -"

" _And_ _snow_ -"

" _Will make_ _your features_..."

" _Will make_ _my features_..."

"... _g_ _l_ _ow_."

Gently, Fritz's eyelids shut themselves. Elsa held him until he went still.

"No... Fritz... _Fritz..._ " She slammed her fists against the ground, sending a wave of frost over the grass. "Stupid ice!" Elsa yelled, her voice hoarse with tears. "Why couldn't I have been born with healing magic?"

"Hey, guys!" All of a sudden, a white horse galloped out of the trees. "Hope you don't mind, but I went after you instead of hiding. Maximus here's great at following people's trails." Rapunzel dismounted her horse, an oblivious smile on her face. "So... what I miss?"


	10. Fritz's New Heart

Apparently, when their brains were overloaded with magically-induced hatred, climbing over a big ice-wall was more than the people of Arendelle castle could manage. With chasing after the queen no longer an option, they simply settled for standing around the courtyard and yelling at each other until they all went blue in the face.

" _You're the woooooooorst boyfriend eeeeeeeeeever!_ " shrieked Anna, flailing her arms wildly. "I can't believe I ever liked some weirdo who pretends his reindeer can talk!"

"I do _not_ pretend my reindeer can talk!" snapped Kristoff.

" _Yes you do_ ," said the voice of Sven.

" _Shut up, Sven!_ "

Of course, the hate-plague hadn't actually affected animals, so the real Sven was simply gaping at Kristoff like he was some kind of moron.

On the far side of the courtyard, Olaf had tackled the maid, trying to wrench his butt from her iron grasp.

"Give it back! Give it back!"

"Never!" spat the maid. "It's mine, all m-"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical wave shot across the sky. It was identical to the one from before, except instead of crackling with apocalyptic black magic, this magic was a gentler, pale blue shade. In an instant, every last man, woman, and snowman in the courtyard grew still, dazed.

"W-What was I doing?" asked Anna, clutching her forehead.

"Ugh..." Nearby, Eugene rubbed his eyes. "Please tell me I wasn't cheating on my wife again."

" _What have I done?_ " The maid let out a terrified gasp, then hurriedly returned Olaf's butt to the bottom of his torso where it belonged. "I'm so sorry, Olaf!"

"Oh, that's okay," said Olaf, smiling. "I think everyone just got really cranky all of a sudden. We probably all forgot our nap time."

"No, no, you don't understand." The maid knelt down and whispered in a breathy voice, "I'd never do anything to hurt you. You're the most important person in the world to me. When you give me warm hugs... _it's like you're hugging my heart_."

"Um..." Olaf slowly stepped backwards. "I just remembered something I gotta go do... over there... away from here." He scurried off as fast as his stubby legs would carry him.

The maid watched him run into the safety of the crowd. Her eyes met her feet. "God, I'm lonely."

* * *

"Uhhh..."

Gradually, the world came back into focus. Unlike the last time he'd awoken from unconsciousness, Fritz was lying on dirt instead of silk, his head was propped up by a rock instead of a pillow, and he wasn't in a woman's body, so overall it was a much worse experience.

"Gah!" Fritz shot up, swinging his head around. "Where-?" From the looks of things, he was back in the Valley of the Living Rock. Every last troll had surrounded him, watching Fritz with concern on their faces. "W-What happened?" Fritz instinctively brought a hand to his chest. What the-? His shirt was wet with blood, but the wound itself had vanished. Fritz's chest felt good as new. Heck, his hand wasn't even broken anymore.

"Rapunzel fixed you," said a voice from behind him. Fritz spun around to find a pair of lovely royal ladies leaned against a tree. Elsa smiled at him. "Turns out she was born with healing magic."

"It's, uh, not as strong as it used to be," added Rapunzel, running a hand through her brunette bangs. "But it usually works right at the most dramatic possible moment."

"And that's not all," said Grand Pabbie, stepping forward. "Your act of true love was powerful enough to make a brand new Heart of Arendelle." He held up a pulsating red blob in his bloodied hand. "With its magic, I was able to reverse the damage Mossy did."

"Shame about that guy." Beside him, Cliff bowed his head. "Yeah, he was a crazy evil jerk, but he was still a troll, y'know?" A solemn silence passed over the group.

"Wait a minute!" But it was broken by Fritz. He yelped and backed away from the Heart like it was possessed. "You- You mean you're- You're holding _my heart_ in your hand? But how-?"

"We dug it out of your chest while you were out," said Bulda. "Then we had Rapunzel grow you a new one."

"It was the weirdest thing I've ever done," Rapunzel said brightly.

"Oh." Every last drop of blood had drained from Fritz's face. He felt his chest, as if double-checking he still had a heartbeat. "Well... good?"

"Don't worry, you should be perfectly healthy." As he spoke, Grand Pabbie stowed the new Heart away in a cloth pouch around his waist. "However, there is one last piece of business to take care of. We wanted to wait until you were awake..."

Fritz's stomach lurched. _That_ didn't sound good. "W-What is it?"

"Luckily, Mossy's curse only reached a small radius around the castle. We were able to stop it before it spread too far, and nobody appears to have been hurt."

"Well, besides Mossy," muttered Bulda.

"The problem is, hatred is processed by _both_ parts of the soul." Grand Pabbie waved his hand, conjuring up glowing images of a human brain and heart. "The head _and_ the heart. The Heart of Arendelle can undo the effects on people's hearts, but their heads were also damaged by the black magic. Therefore, the only way for the people afflicted with the hate-curse to fully recover is for me to remove their memories of the past few days."

"Wait, what?" Fritz gave a start. "Like, you're gonna mind-wipe us?

"Basically, yes," Grand Pabbie nodded. "To put it in simple terms, my own magic can travel backwards along the threads left by Mossy's magic, then server those threads from the memories of all they touched, regardless of their distance from me in the physical world. Every last party guest, even the foreign dignitaries who sailed off already, will cease to remember the love potion incident. Those affected by today's hate-plague will simply go about their business as normal. It'll be as if none of this ever happened."

"And you won't remember that the Heart exists, either," added another troll, scowling at Fritz. "Not that we don't trust you anymore."

"Yeah." Fritz bowed his head. "I guess that's fair..."

"Think of it as a second chance," said Grand Pabbie. "A way to start fresh after all the mistakes you made."

"But..." Fritz's mind was racing. A memory wipe? Just thinking about it made his head spin. "But if I don't remember everything that I've been through these past few days, won't..." He shut his eyes. "...won't I still be the jerk who'd use a love potion on Elsa? Won't- Won't I go back to being a bad person?"

Elsa immediately moved towards him. "You're not a bad person, Fritz. You had insecurities, and Mossy took advantage of them."

Grand Pabbie, however, merely smiled. "Memories are stored in the head, but morals are stored in the heart. And, unlike the head, the heart isn't easily changed." He gave Fritz a reassuring pat on the thigh. "I think you may find yourself a better person than you were, even if you can't remember quite why."

Fritz clutched his forehead. "I... I _guess_ so..."

"It's too bad Eugene and me won't remember you guys after this," spoke up Rapunzel. "We only met you because of this love potion stuff. By the time we get back to Corona, we won't even remember we left. Weird, huh?"

Elsa sighed. "It's alright. I'm sure we'll meet you the next time we invite foreign royalty here."

"Besides," Rapunzel added darkly, "there are some memories from this whole mess that I'm not exactly gonna miss..."

"Well-" Suddenly, Grand Pabbie held up his arms. "-we haven't time to waste."

"Wait, wait!" But at the last second, Elsa grabbed Fritz's arm. "Can I have a minute to speak with Fritz alone?"

Pabbie's arms lowered. "Of course, Your Majesty."

* * *

The next thing he knew, Fritz was in the middle of a clearing in the forest, sitting side-by-side on a fallen log with the queen of Arendelle herself. Any other day, he'd be debilitatingly tongue-tied by now, but instead, Fritz felt... _bleh_. This whole situation gave him a headache. Now, not only had he screwed up royally, but he wouldn't even remember that he'd screwed up. How the heck was he supposed to learn from his mistakes if he didn't even know he'd made him?Every time Fritz got close to not being a loser, it was two steps forward, one step back!

"Fritz." He was shaken from his thoughts by the most wondrous voice in all the heavens and Earth. "You saved my life today."

The color returned to Fritz's cheeks. "I... uh... I was really only trying to grab the knife out of Mossy's hand. I didn't mean to, yknow..."

"Well, I..." Elsa brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. Fritz wasn't used to seeing it all unbraided like this. He wasn't sure his heart could take it. "I went ahead and dropped all the charges against you. There won't be any record of anything. I'd be too confusing, anyways, what with the memory wipe and all..." Her voice trailed off.

"Are- Are you really okay with Grand Pabbie doing this to everyone?"

Elsa let out a huff. "Of course not. I hate when he wipes people's memories. He-" She took a breath. "He did the same thing to Anna when we were little. Made her forget I had powers. It was so... _unnatural_." She shuddered.

After a minute, Elsa seemed to collect herself. "The point is, before we all forget everything, I wanted to make sure you know..." She brought a hand to Fritz's shoulder. "...I forgive you."

Those darn troll valley allergens. They'd struck again. "You don't have to do that, Your Majesty. I mean, all the things I did..." Fritz wiped his eyes.

Elsa gave a small smile. "Mossy took advantage of you. It's not your fault." But the smile was soon replaced by something more somber. "I... I knew you'd been lonely, but I hadn't realized you were hurting so much inside. Not until I was in your body, and I saw firsthand how the other guards treated you."

"What?" Fritz gave a start. "But- But _you're_ the one who's hurting inside! All this time, I thought you were this perfect, amazing, magical queen, but... when _I_ was in _your_ body, I..." He faltered. "...felt what it was like to have your magic. And to not have control." His eyes met hers. "Did you really have to live like that your _whole life?_ "

Elsa nodded slowly. "I guess we've _both_ been lonely."

"Elsa..." Fritz sighed. "I love you, but until now, it's been like the wrong kind of love. That's what the Heart was trying to tell me. I need to think about what _I_ can do to make _your_ life better, not the other way around. Like what your sister did for you."

"It works both ways, Fritz." Elsa smiled again. "Anna needed me just as much as I needed her. True love means putting someone else's needs before your own, but that person also puts _their_ needs before _yours_." She gave his shoulder a squeeze. "If you ever feel lonely again, I'm here for you."

"Really?" Okay, _now_ he was getting debilitatingly tongue-tied. "You mean that? And- And if you ever, I don't know, want to hang out some time, we could, like, go get dinner together, maybe-?"

He was cut off by a groan. "Platonically _._ I'm here for you platonically."

Fritz's face fell. "Oh. Right, I knew that."

Elsa shook her head. "That doesn't mean I care about you any less. You're my friend – I don't have many of those. And a good friend is all I want right now."

"Yeah. Yeah, I get it. It's cool."

"I guess it doesn't matter, anyways." Elsa scowled to herself. "In a minute, Grand Pabbie will wipe our memories, and then I'll go back to being stupidly oblivious to your crush."

Fritz nodded, but the words hadn't truly registered in his head. For the record, it was most certainly _not_ cool. In fact, it was about as far from cool as humanly possible. Fritz respected Elsa's choices, and he definitely knew better than to use a love potion to brainwash her again, but- but Elsa had brushed Fritz off so flippantly, like his feelings meant nothing to her! Didn't she understand? Didn't Elsa realize how Fritz's heart ached every time he so much as looked at her precious face? He couldn't just get over her at the drop of a hat! Even if he tried his hardest every day for the rest of his life, Fritz would never love another woman. Not in a hundred years. Not in a _million_ years!

* * *

 _One year later:_

"Fritzy!" A woman wrapped her arms around Fritz from behind.

"Agh! Mary!" He came dangerously close, but Fritz somehow managed not to spill a single blueberry from the breakfast tray in his hands. "I'm working right now!"

Mary's lips curled into a pout. "You're _always_ working. Can't we spend some time together?"

Fritz sighed. "Hey, it could be worse. I used to follow Elsa around twenty-four seven." His eyes flitted to his emerald uniform. The standard issue hat and spear of the royal guard had been traded in for a fancier dress jacket with a white ascot. "Look, Kai takes over my shift in an hour. I'll see you then."

Mary shook her head. "I'll be with my violin tutor in an hour."

"Oh."

"It's alright. I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart." She kissed his cheek, then glided out the room.

Fritz's cheek was left bright red, both because he'd been kissed in front of all the staff in the dining hall and because Mary's lips happened to be made of freezing cold ice.

* * *

"Here you are, ma'am."

"Thank you, Fritz."

Fritz set the queen's breakfast before her, then hurried off. Elsa was about to reach for a fork when she noticed someone hovering by her chair at the royal end of the table – It was Kai, and he had an unmistakably troubled look on his face.

"Kai?" Elsa frowned. "What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing, Your Majesty, nothing," said Kai. "It's just... Well, the snowman who's dating that Gudmund boy-"

"Snow- _woman_."

"Yes, pardon. The _snowwoman_ who's dating that Gudmund boy... You didn't design her..." Kai hesitated before saying, "... _specifically_ so he'd have a girlfriend, did you?"

Elsa laughed. "What, no, of course not! I made Mary by accident. I didn't 'design' her to be Fritz's girlfriend – She's her own person. They fell in love naturally."

"Good, good." Kai sighed in relief. "That's a load off my-"

Just then, one of the maids walked by, stroking the chin of an unusually hunky snowman and whispering, "I love you, Snow-Boyfriend. As long as you're here, I'll never be lonely again..."

Kai stared at the couple until they were out of sight. Then he turned back to the queen.

Elsa shrank under his glare. "Uh... They fell in love naturally, too."

 **The End**

* * *

 **Epilogue:**

It was a beautiful June morning in the Southern Isles. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Prince Hans was shoveling a big pile of horse manure.

"Razzin' frazzin'..." He hurriedly wiped his boot off on the cobblestone. Disgusting. Was this to remain Hans's lot in life? A prince of the Southern Isles reduced to a mere caretaker for pack animals? Oh, well. At least out here by the stables, he could finally get some precious solitu-

"Little brother! How great to see you!" Hans cringed, then slowly turned around to find a man heading towards him. He was tall and broad-shouldered with a face much like Hans's own, only far more smug.

"Caleb," Hans said dryly. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Caleb grinned and shook his head. "Not just me, little brother." He gestured to the seething mass of people behind him.

Hans's eyes went wide. They were all here. All twelve of them: Caleb, the eldest, Lars, the third eldest, Rudi and Runo, the twins, and the assorted miscellaneous brothers who also had names.

Hans's grip on his shovel tightened. "What are you doing here?"

Caleb's grin only widened. "What, we can't spend some quality time with our beloved little brother?"

"We came to watch you do menial labor," said Rudi.

"Best show in the Isles," added Runo.

Hans swore under his breath. Who did they think they were? These guys had tormented the wrong brother. _No one_ mocked Prince Hans! Disowned. Arrested. Publicly humiliated. Why, it was more than he could bear.

"More beer?"

"Sure! Can't watch our loser of a brother do menial labor on an empty stomach!"

Hans found himself gritting his teeth as he shoveled another load. "I'm disgraced."

"Who, _you?_ " smirked Caleb. "Never. Prince Hans, you've got to pull yourself together."

The other eleven brothers nodded in agreement. Hans was about to retort, but before he could open his mouth, Caleb was singing:

" _Gosh it disturbs us to see you, Prince Hans,_

 _Looking so down in the dumps._

 _Every bro here'd love to be you, Prince Hans,_

 _Even when taking your lumps._ "

A snicker ran throughout the group.

" _There's no man around as admired as you._

 _Beloved throughout the Southern Isles._

 _Everyone's awed and inspired by you,_

 _And I guess... it's cuz you've... got such styyyyyyyyyyle._ "

Suddenly, all twelve of them were chanting in unison:

" _Noooooo ooooooooone's slick like Prince Hans!_

 _No one's quick like Prince Hans!_

 _No one's punched in the face by a chick like Prince Hans!_

 _For he's always so cool, never pissed off._

 _Perfect, a pure paragon._

 _If you ask her to choose him or Kristoff,_

 _We can tell you which team the princess would be oooooon!_ "

Hans rolled his eyes.

" _N_ _ooooo_ _o o_ _oooooooo_ _ne_ _plans_ _like_ _Prince Hans!_

 _Gets banished like Prince Hans!_

 _No one finishes Anna's sandwich like Prince Hans!_

Runo bellowed in his deepest voice: " _He might even be worthy of cruuuuuciifiiiiiiixion!_ "

" _My, what a guy, that Prince Hans!_ "

" _Give him a hand,_

 _And wish him well!_

 _Prince Hans's the biggest,_

 _Crim-in-al in Ar-en-delle!_ "

Hans tried to move away, but one of his larger brothers cornered him. He slapped Hans on the back, leaving Hans dangerously close to face-planting into the pile he'd been shoveling.

" _Noooooo ooooooooone's lame like Prince Hans!_

 _Douses_ _flame_ _s_ _like Prince Hans!"_

" _No one treats a marriage like a game like Prince Hans!_ "

" _For all we know, he might be a murd'rer!_ " said a brother.

" _He's real great at pretending to care,_ " said another.

" _I suspect he's some sort of sociopath._ "

" _That's right!_ " said a third.

" _And he's real butthurt because he's not the heir!_ "

Then, in unison, they sang:

" _No one hits like Prince Hans!_

 _Matches wits like Prince Hans!_

 _No one denies a hot girl a kiss like Prince Hans!_

 _He's especially good at gettiiiiiing conviiiiiictions!_ "

"Screw you guys-!"

" _No first base for Hans!_

The fattest brother stepped forward, bellowing:

" _When he was a lad he had one dozen bros,_

 _Who were better than him at all things._

 _And now that he's grown, all of those dozen bros_

 _Know most likely, he'll never be kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!_ "

In unison again:

" _Noooooo ooooooooone's stooge to Prince Hans!_

 _Screws the pooch like Prince Hans!_

 _No one's sideburns are stupidly huge like Prince Hans's!_

 _He will only get redeemed in baaaaaaaaaaad fanfiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiction!_

 _My, what a guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy... Prince Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans!_ "

"That is _it!_ " Finally, Hans grabbed his shovel and stormed off to another region of the stables, where he set to work furiously shoveling a fresh mound onto a cart. He'd just about had it with each and every last one of the horde of bipedal baboons passing themselves off as his relatives.

 _Ugh,_ thought Hans, _can_ _today_ _GET_ _any worse?_

And then a gigantic snowball struck him down from the heavens.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_ Okay, I admit it, that epilogue has nothing to do with the actual story. I just wanted to work that song in somehow. Now then, I believe I promised to include a list of songs parodied in case anybody missed one. Here you are, sorted by chapter:**

 **1\. "Frozen Heart" and "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from _Frozen_ , "Heffalumps and Woozles" from _Winnie the Pooh_.**

 **2\. "When Will My Life Begin?" from _Tangled_.**

 **3\. "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from _Mulan_ , "When You Wish Upon a Star" from _Pinnochio_ , "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from _The Little Mermaid_.**

 **4\. "Hellfire" from _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_ , "A Man's Gotta Do" from _Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog._**

 **5\. "At Last I See the Light" from _Tangled_ (for about two verses), "As Long As You're Mine" from _Wicked_.**

 **6\. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" from _The Lion King_.**

 **7\. "Very Good Advice" from _Alice in Wonderland._**

 **8\. "The Plagues" from _The Prince of Egypt._**

 **9\. "A Little Fall of Rain" from _Les Mis_ _é_ _rables._**

 **10\. "Gaston" from _Beauty and the Beast_**

 **(Yes, I realize this is way more songs than most Disney movies actually have.)**

 **A** **s for the future of my Frozen fanfics, well... Here's the deal. I have one more fanfic idea in my head right now, a short** **one** **focused on Anna. It** **'** **ll be in the "Frozen Wight-verse," but my original characters will probably be a lot less prominent in it than usual.** **The thing is, I'm a little burned out right now, so I won't be writing Frozen fanfics for a while. I imagine whenever Frozen 2 comes out, it'll renew my vigor and give me lots of new story ideas, but** **if I happen to get back into a Frozen mood before then, I'll go ahead and write the Anna spin-off.** **Until then, I'll be back to working on my Spider-Man fanfic.**

 **One more thing, concerning the character of Fritz: I really like Fritz, and obviously a lot of you guys do, too. He was only supposed to appear in one scene as a joke, but reviewers and family members liked him so much than I ended up turning him into a main character, giving him his own spin-off fanfic,** _ **and**_ **making him prominent in Mary's spin-off fic,** **too** **. Well, to put it bluntly, I've milked Fritz for all he's worth. It's not that I like his character any less, but I consider** _ **Fritz: The Musical**_ **to be his swan song. I mean, he's got his happy ending.** **He's over his crush on Elsa, which was, like, his defining character trait.** **I'm not saying Fritz won't show up ever again, but from now on it'll just be short** **cameos** **for the** **occasional** **punchline** **.** **What** **else** **am I supposed to do with him?** **Have him and Mary throw a big wedding and then have freakish half-human half-snowman babies?**

 **Of course, I don't really know what kind of stories I'll write after Frozen 2 hits theaters in a couple years, but what'll most likely happen is that I** **bench** **all my Frozen Wight** **original** **characters and come up with a brand new** **supporting** **cast. Or maybe I'll just promote Henrik and Morten to main characters. I don't know.**


End file.
